Day 11: Swelling is Going Down?

Hello internet! (:

So it's been 11 days been since my surgery which is crazy to me. On the unfortunate side, I definitely feel like I can still feel the fact that I've had surgery. Which I guess is to be expected!

I haven't really done much. . . except I have managed to have some normalcy back into my  life. I've been able to go get gas for my car and make a complete fool of myself in front of a cute guy--you know because that's always pleasurable. Hahaha. 

And supposedly the swelling on my nose has gone down! I can't really seem to tell only because I see my nose every single day, but according to my mother that's what she believes. 

I'm really excited to be getting my splints out on Friday and I'm really, really looking forward to the fact that I can start using my new nose! Apparently,I was a really bad snorer (which I was never told) and I'm really excited to see if that gets any better. So far, it's kind of hard to tell since I am so unbelievably stuffy and congested. But on the fortunate side, I'm actually not feeling much pain at all so that's really nice! 

My nose, however, has decided to become super sensitive to anything. . . so even if I lightly touch it, everything just feels rather odd and even slightly putting any pressure on it really hurts. So that's rather unpleasant. 

In all honesty, I'm still getting used to the way my face looks with my new nose. It's definitely a lot straighter in my opinion and just the fact that my nostrils are the same size kind of is unfathomable to me. It's always rather been annoying actually. 

Of course, along with having that silly cast on my nose came some acne. And the only reason this bothers me is because I never, ever have acne as severe as what I have and while they're only small, I really hate the feel of them and I really don't like the fact that my nose is really dry and it's like peeling skin. 

And now I must go because I'm "packing" for college. (Not really). I'm having to go through my room and throw away things because somebody will be using my room once I leave in two weeks. Quite frankly, it makes me kind of sad and nostalgic to go through all of my old stuff. I've been looking at old yearbooks and looking at old toys and books and old journals and to me, it's crazy to be thinking that I won't be in my room anymore in 2 weeks--in fact, I'll be living with someone who I don't know, who isn't even from this state and then I'll also be sharing a small living space with her. As excited as I am to go to college, it kind of makes me sad and it kind of makes me nervous to be an "adult". However, I do think that at the end of the day, I'm prepared and I'm ready to just be on my own and figure out who I am independently. 

Now. . . 

Here's the picture for the day: 

I hope all of you are having a good day!

Cheers!

-Kendahl x

Before/After Pictures/Cast is off!

I apologize for not having an update yesterday, like I had promised but unfortunately, as soon as I got done with getting my cast off, I went to go get food and then I ended up going to get my car and then I ended up hanging out with a friend and giving her a ride to go pick up some stuff for herself and then I ended up hanging out with some family. So in other words, I had a busy day and I really didn't have time to do much so I apologize!

Anyway, the cast is off! Unfortunately, I was not able to get rid out of the splints so I'm still extremely congested. I'm getting those splints out in another week. I'll be getting them out next Friday--which I'm extremely excited about!

So. . . here's the reveal!

I can totally see a different in how straight my nose is now. . . however, the unfortunate side of all this is that my nose and even my cheeks are very, very swollen. My surgeon (who I've known since I was a wee baby) told me that my nose is still swollen and it'll take about a year and a half for me to see the actual results and what my nose should look lik. 

I've also noticed that my nostrils are much more evenly size which is really awesome! I think that my surgeon did an awesome job and again, I'm super excited to see what everything is going to look like when it's all said and done! 

And more so, I'm more excited to USE my new nose more than the way it looks like! I've never been able to breathe through my nose all that well and it's been really hard just to sleep without snoring because how hard it was to breathe through my nose! Hopefully when the splint is out, I'll be able to start actually using my new nose! (:

I hope all of you are doing well! This was just going to be a quick update because I've got to start packing and cleaning my room for college! Whoopee!

Day 7: One Week Since Surgery!

Hello there!

So today is day 7. . .meaning I got my surgery basically a whole entire week ago! We went from counting days to starting to count weeks to me which is absolutely insane!

Anyway, here is my total update on today!

So today, I woke up with no pain again, which was nice! Unfortunately, I'm still having some slightly. . . bad bowel movements (too much information?) which is absolutely aggravating. But I feel really happy that basically I no longer have any pain and I'm very hopeful on getting off my splints tomorrow as well as getting out my splints or whatever that's in my nose. 

All day I've done a good job is sitting here and watching the classic Breakfast Club multiple time (I've tried to watch it multiple times this week except due to heavy pain meds, I've fallen asleep during it multiple times). I've also just drank tons of water and actually put something in my stomach which makes me super optimistic. 

I'm really looking forward to seeing my nose tomorrow! And I promise to update you all with pictures! I'd give you a picture today but I basically look the same as I did yesterday. . . including my clothes! Heh. 

Hope you all are having a good one!

Cheers!
-Kendahl x

Day 6: The Hump Has Passed!

So another day has passed and I'm forever thankful for that! 

I am currently on Day 6 to the road to recover and I officially believe that I have gotten over the hump that is this damn surgery! Yesterday seemed to have been the worst of the worst from nausea, throwing up, horrible suppository pills, headaches, and a lot of crying. 

Today, I managed to wake myself at about 9:30AM and I was pleasantly surprised. My headache was gone and my stomach was no longer wanting to be ripped out! My nose pain is basically gone and I'm a pretty happy camper! However, my stomach has decided that it would be a good idea to still be kind of upset and I haven't really eaten all day as I'm deathly afraid! (: Ha! Anyway, my swelling, I've noticed has been going down day by day, which is a blessing! And I've decided to keep the gauze off my face and this is what I look like: 

Excuse my horrible hair and my lack of style, but I have been extremely lazy for the past few days and I'm still going to be doing that until that stupid cast is off my nose! And lemme tell you, as soon as I get the hold of the camera I took my before pictures, I'll start posting those as well! (Side note: I was actually looking around in attempt to procrastinate from blogging and found some rhinoplasty blogs and one of them had absolutely NO pictures. I mean. . . what the HECK? I totally saw no point in a blog with no pictures. . . )

So today has gone quite well. My pups have decided to keep me company on a rainy day and I've been quite happy. I'm still afraid to eat and I haven't decided what to eat so that should be a fun adventure as I try and look through my kitchen. 

And I'm beyond excited to get this stupid thing off my face. . . as I've already said! My appointment is scheduled for this Friday (August 1, 2014) at about 11AM! And I seriously cannot stress how anxious I am! I am nervous about seeing the results and wanting to cry. I'm afraid that I won't like the results and I'm also afraid that it will just plain hurt to get all this stuff off/out of my nose! So if any of you have gone through this, please post comments! (:

Anyway, today has been pretty good and I've been pretty happy with a side of anxiety with eating so that's my update! 

Pain: 1/10
Emotional Status: Pretty good! (:
Dizziness/Nausea: Pretty much gone!
Headache: Slowly going away completely!

Hope you all are having a fabulous day!

Let's Talk

Sometimes all I need to do is just sit here behind a computer screen and vent and just kind of talk to. . . someone who is willing to listen. And sometimes, nobody is really willing to actually take the time and read a long post from some random person who is either whining or complaining. And I totally get that. But I think I just want to just explore where this post will go because of how today went. This post will be a little "whiny" but it will also be reflective and something that I can look back and learn from. 

After my jaw surgery, I had become a little depressed--and some of you can see that if you look back at some of my posts from about a year ago. I felt really lonely and just very distressed, anxious, and I had a very low self-esteem. I felt like I had been getting that surgery for my family instead of myself. It seemed as though they had been more excited about the surgery than myself and I was kind of tired of hearing it. 

So of course, as time went on, I became to get on board with the whole idea of the surgery too. I looked forward to breathing through my nose more and more and I looked forward to having a nice smile and being able to play my beautiful clarinet a little bit better. I got closer to God during this time and ever since then, I've gotten closer and closer, I feel and I feel blessed and thankful for that as well. God brought me some awesome friends and showed me what it's like to have Godly friends. And yes, there were complications along with all those great things too. I couldn't play the clarinet for almost 3 months and I hated sitting there in band and watching people play. I hated not being able to eat because of how much I love food. I hated looking like a squirrel with about 8 nuts in her mouth. (Excuse the pun. . .). I also hated the fact that I felt like I was changing my appearance for someone else. Again, I also felt lonely and just depressed some of the time. There were great days and there were really awful days to go along with those great days. It happens.

And now I've gone full circle with recovery from my jaw surgery. I've recovered and I got my braces off (which was amazing by the way). The swelling is 100% gone from that surgery and I've graduated high school! It's been a long journey and I've like to say that I've forever thankful for that surgery and all the things that I've learned from that surgery in particular. I've learned the beauty of pain. . . shockingly enough. I learned that all my scars are just proof of healing and strength. I personally got stronger because of my past surgery and all the little ones in between (all the ones involving my gums) but you know. . . it's gone full circle now. 

I am now here with another surgery and it's been 5 days post operation, not including the surgery, 6 days including the surgery. I went in on surgery at 7:30 in the morning and had to get there at approximately 5:00-5:30ish. I was exhausted and was happy with the steak that I had the night before with a good friend of mine and my dad. So surgery was about 3 hours and 45 minutes (or so I was told). I went into my pre-operation appointment thing-a-majig by myself without my dad. I changed into my hospital gown (which I also hate) and then was put into these stupid-ass compression tights that were knee-high to help blood flow with those non-slip socks which I think are gross. Then they put this massager thing on my calves to help with blood flow. They asked me a ton of questions and then they gave me IV. She started out checking out my right hand and said that I have pretty bad veins for IVs which I've been told before. My veins disappear as soon as they get them to show up. Anyway, she ended up only pricking me once (Thank Goodness for that) and it honestly wasn't that bad. . . I just took a deep breath. It definitely hurt and it was unpleasant but that was to be expected. My surgeon came into explain exactly what she was doing and asked to make sure if it was okay if they took cartilage from my ear and decided it would be from my left ear. She also was debating whether or not to use my rib which apparently is painful. She also said that there was cartilage that was on hand somewhere that was cleaned and everything that was made up somewhere. I don't know. They didn't use it so I guess that's good. The anesthesiologist came in and put some stuff in my IV and that was it. I was put on a hairnet and then they sent me off.

 I woke up in the recovery room at about. . . 12 something. I'm not sure just because I was super tired and groggy, despite the fact that I had a clock on the wall right in front of me. Anyway, to go actually go into detail. . . I woke up and from what I can remember, my nose was a little sore and I immediately could tell that something was on my face. And actually there was not only my splint and the gauze and splints in my nose, but there was a mask on my face as well. And to top it all off, my throat was absolutely killing me. And as a singer, I absolutely hate when I have a sore throat. No joke. I hate it. It makes me feel horrible and it makes me nervous. I was also really hot from my surgery. . . as I feel like I am always so she put a fan underneath my blanket. I also had a wrap around my head for my ear. It turns out that they only got cartilage from my left ear and they bandaged my ear and use some wrap to keep it on. I sat/laid there and was given an ice chip to suck on for my throat. The nurse asked how my pain was and also put some cold compresses on my eyes for swelling before I actually physically woke up. Anyway, then she gave me some pudding which really helped my throat. And then after a while of resting, I got to see my dad and was put into this other room for them to give me the low-down on my prescriptions. I had a popsicle and kind of just sat there. I was very, very dizzy unfortunately and I really didn't enjoy it. And then I basically went home. They put me in a wheel chair and I was sent home. And the ride home made me grumpy. . . needless to say. And that was my day at the  hospital from what I can remember!

Now on to the real reason as to why I wrote this post:

Today has been a really shitty day. It just has been. Last night, at around 1:00AM, my stomach wasn't feeling so good and it decided that it needed to get rid of whatever was in it. So in other words, I puked. I managed to fall asleep fairly easily and then woke up at around 10AM. I gave myself 2 Tylenol and my antibiotic and then decided to put something in stomach--so I ate my cereal. Wheat Thins to be exact. I needed some pain meds for my nose so I decided to take a half a Percocet.And then I threw up again. And it was not fun. I now had a headache and I just threw up any medicine that I took. And I was now nauseated. I called my parents and my dad came over to just lend me some help and some medicine and then we called my surgeon's office. She told me to take one of the suppositories and as soon as I heard that, I basically cried. And cried some more. I really didn't like the idea of that. . . and for any of you who doesn't know what a suppository is, I'd advise you to look it up. So I wasn't feeling good, I had a headache, my stomach was killing me, my nose was killing me, and I just felt like crap today. I finally had enough courage to use a suppository and then fell asleep for about four hours and then woke up later and sat there until my dad came over again and I ate some saltine crackers with some peanut butter and jelly. I was basically very afraid to eat all day because I hate vomiting and I certainly hated it more when it really hurt my nose and head. Anyway, I didn't really take much medicine today and I felt the after affects of it tonight and my nose and head really hurt.

Needless to say, I felt really bad all day and there was quite a bit of crying. I was scared and I was tired of the pain and just the overall experience of going through surgery and then having to recover from it. I was just really tired and wanted to get rid of it all. And I just learned that there were definitely going to hard times coming my way and I realized that I might just be a little scared to be going off to college on my own in just a couple weeks. My mom has been taking care of me and I can't be thankful enough for her and what she's done for me not only the past 5 days, but the past 18 years of my life. She's been so supportive during the times where I've gone through some difficult surgeries and she's nursed me back to health. And lemme tell you, I did a really shitty job taking care of myself today and taking care of our dogs. It was just bad. And it made me realize that not only do I need to be a little more self-confident in taking care of myself but I need to just gain back some of my independence. In the past surgery, I hated not having my independence and in some ways, I hate that now too. . . but I think I've done a much better in letting my mom take the reins and it's been bad. I've relied so heavily on other people to help me feel better that it just isn't working. 

I've learned a lot today and I also really hated today and now I'm really needing to go to bed considering the time. I'll probably write about this tomorrow, but I did just want to talk to you guys and just let you know how poorly my day went and kind of reflect. 

I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the very last few bits of summer! (:

Another Day Down

Surgeries are never really any fun, are they? 

Well, since that's the case, then this daily update should be no surprise to you. I woke up this morning in more pain than normal and not only that, but my stomach was just not having it today. I woke up with extreme dry mouth which I hate with a passion and I've been stuck with a ton of blood/mucus build up in my throat. I also woke up with a headache and my left ear was bothering me. (My surgeon took cartilage from that ear). 

Anyway, I had some soup and some grits this morning and then took some of my strong pain meds and took a nap with my doggies. And I have to tell you, those dogs have been the only thing that's been making my recovery a little bit easier. They're constantly sleeping with me and laying next to me and they're always being very gentle with me. They've done a great job comforting me and just giving me some sort of company. And I love them dearly for it. 

As for the pain, the pain has now subsided as I write this. My ear is fine and my stomach feels a lot better as well. However, my mouth is still dry as ever and I'm a tad dizzy. The swelling still exists and it will continue to exist for another year and a half, but in the end, I guess it's worth it. Fortunately, as I've said before, I've been blessed with no bruising except for in my left ear. I'm constantly changing the gauze underneath my nose and unfortunately, since the blood usually dries, it likes to stick to my nose and it can really hurt to take off. 

Overall, it's been an okay day. I'm kind of tired of having something on my nose/on my face all this time. And I'm really tired of breathing through my mouth when I sleep just because of how dry my mouth becomes. I've been a mouth breather for basically all my life but I've never had to come across dry mouth as severe as it has been for the past couple of days. 

So. . . another day has gone by and I'm anxiously waiting for the rest of the week to be done as well. 

My daily scale:
Pain (currently): 1/10
Swelling: Pretty darn bad. . . it's just my cheeks and my nose though. 
Nausea: 1/10
Headache: 3/10
Dizziness: 4/10
Emotion: I'm overall pretty good now. Every once and a while, I'll be extremely frustrated and just angry because I no longer want to have to put with my splints and a congested nose, but it hasn't gotten to a depressed state this time around which is really good. 

I look the same as I have for the past few days so there won't be any new pictures today, but maybe there will be some tomorrow!

A Typical Update

So because it's been two days since my surgery, I thought I'd do an update for all of you who are new to me or this blog in general.

So here's a little bit about me:

I'm going to be a freshmen in college next year and I will be studying Neuroscience with a minor in biochemistry. I'll be moving away from home and onto main campus on August 17th and I very much am looking forward to it. I even have a blog on Tumblr that's dedicated to students just like myself. I basically am writing an advice blog for college and high school students. I write about stuff like: study tips, the importance of homework, how to stay optimistic, how to stay stress-free, college applications, what to expect when going into high school, the 'do's and don'ts' of high school, and plenty more! I will also be blogging about my own college adventures including: moving out, living with a roommate, my classes, the food, what I'm bringing to college, and a whole lot more! Anyway, I also answer questions on that blog if you need any advice, let you guys give your own advice, and let you guys give me topics to write about it underneath the ASK tab at the top of the page! Anyway, if any of you would like to check that part of my life out, feel free to check it out at: http://collegechickadvice.tumblr.com

Anyway, enough promotion of that! (;

I was born with cleft lip and palate and for those of you who don't know that is, it's basically a birth defect in which your lip and the roof of your mouth (your palate) isn't completely developed when you are born. Typically you will have surgery when you're just a wee little baby and you may continue to have surgeries throughout, like I have. My first surgery was done when I was about 3 and a half months old and I had a couple other surgeries as a baby and as a child. 

I have had about six and a half years of braces. The first year of braces included one year with an expander and ONLY braces on my upper teeth. The following year, the expander was removed and my bottom braces were put on. I've had plenty of other orthodontic work as well over the years and I also got my wisdom teeth out in January of 2013.

Following that, I had a maxillary jaw surgery. This took care of my underbite. It was about a 6-7 hour surgery. I did stay overnight for that surgery, as I believe all do. It was not the most fun thing I've ever done, as I very much remember having thrown up blood and I had a headache. Anyway, since then, I've been very happy with the way my teeth look and we've been planning my current rhinoseptoplasty for a while now. 

So I underwent my rhinoseptoplasty on July 24th. It was approximately 3 hours and 45 minutes long. She used some cartilage from my ear to help shape my nose and everything and I look forward to getting all of this stuff off my face and out of my nose!

I am a tad nervous about getting out as far as pain goes, but I'm intrigued to see what it's going to look like. 

Anyway, that's me in a nutshell! I've had many, many surgeries and this is basically what this blog is about. I started this blog to not only share my own experiences and kind of 'vent' but I've also done it to help other people who have had to deal with the same kind of experiences that I've had to deal with. There have been times when I'm extremely frustrated and sad about getting the surgeries done. And there have been times when I'm extremely excited and just overwhelmingly positive. 

This particular surgery has had it's ups and down right now. . . as I'm unbelievably congested, just as I was for my last surgery. I have splints in both of my nostrils along with a splint on the outside of my nostril. I also have gauze on my upper lip to catch any drainage of course. . . which again, I also had for my previous surgery.

I have to be honest though, right now, I'm more frustrated more than anything. My left ear, which they took the cartilage from feels clogged, my nose has a throbbing, dull pain, and I'm super groggy. AND my throat has old, disgusting blood in it and that's by far is the MOST annoying part about this surgery. I had a breathing tube down my throat during the surgery and that made my throat extremely upset and as a singer, I've hated it a lot.

I'm not as upset emotionally as I was during my previous surgery. I've learned a lot from the past surgery, as a lot of you might know from reading previous posts, but overall, I'm just more excited to get all of this over with. 

I have learned that I will always be somewhat anxious and nervous about my outward appearance. . . especially because every surgery that I've had has changed my outward appearance in some sort of way. So that must be a given. 

So yeah. . . that's me in a nutshell. 

As for how I'm doing right now. . . I'm doing okay! I am no longer working which I am thankful for and I am basically going to be recovering right up until I head off to college and I think that's what's helping me be motivated. 

I've slept A LOT in the past three days because of all the medication that I've had and fortunately, I haven't nauseated at all. My throat is aggravating and nose kind of hurts, but it isn't something I can't handle. I am fortunate enough to say that I do not have any bruising on my face except for on my ear. My nose is swollen, but I can already see a difference so like I said, I'm excited to see what it will look like next Friday!

And here's an updated picture:

Last Surgery is Done!

Hello everyone!

Well now that I'm awake, I'd like to update you all on what my surgery was! Basically, I got a rhinoseptoplasty and some other crap that has to do with the turbulences in my nose to help me breathe better! 

And unfortunately. . . here's what I look like. . .

My doctor (who has been with me since day one) did my very last surgery for me and what she did was take some of the cartilage from my left ear to help shape my nose and then she helped a ton with the breathing for my nose. 

So here's an actual. . .update on what's happened since yesterday: 

I woke up super early because I needed to get to the hospital by like 5:30-ish to start my pre-op stuff and sign some consents. As usual, I had to get an IV and like usual, I've been told that my veins are very hard to see, but my nurse was very sweet and tried her hardest to make sure she only needed to prick me once and thank god she did. I changed into the typical hospital gown and then they gave me some compression stockings and those "stylish" socks that had grips on them so I wouldn't fall. Then she put these things on my legs for the circulation. 

Anyway, my anesthesiologist came in and put some sleepy stuff in my IV which was. . . nice I guess. He was very dry, which was rather weird and boring. I didn't like him too much, but I guess that's okay. He did what he needed to. 

To clear things up, this surgery was for me both as an aesthetic surgery and for a functional surgery. I've never really been able to breathe through my nose that well, and this is what this surgery did for me. As soon as I woke up, I could actually tell that I could breathe through my nose a lot better, but other now. . . I really can't. 

Anyway, they gave me several types of pain medication including valium, Percocet, and celebrex. And then I also have my antibiotic medicine which is Keflex. 

So yeah. The surgery was about three hours and forty five minutes long. My surgeon has known me since my very first surgery when I was only a couple months old. She was understudying during my first cleft lip and palate repair so she's known me for quite a while. 

So the surgery, she said, went really well and that there might still be a bit of an unevenness on the left side of my nose which is understandable. Anyway she said that is probably one of the best surgeries she thinks she's done. . . and who knows if she says that to everyone, but I do trust her and she's always been very supportive of me and just has done a very good job in the past. 

So the pain wasn't that bad when I woke up and neither is it right now, however I woke up last night at 12:30AM last night and I was in a lot of pain and I had a ton of blood all over my face and it took a while for me to feel better, after taking more medicine but you get the idea. 

And that's basically it! I will be getting out my splints next Friday at some point. My doctor has said that the swelling should go down completely in about a year and half--that should be about the time that I should be able to actually see the full results of the surgery. 

My nose is super stuffy right now and I'm overall, very groggy, but you get the idea hopefully. I'm not in too much pain, but my nose is swollen and my ear (where they got the cartilage for my nose for shaping) is a bruised. I've also been taking naps all day long because of all the medication so that's been kind of nice. Unfortunately, my mouth is super dry all the time because I have to breath through it and I have a patch on my arm that makes me have dry mouth as well. . .so that's not very nice either.

I've gotten a lot of support and love over Facebook from a lot of the friends that I went to high school with (as I graduated in May) and I'm also getting some support from my future roommate and some of my friends from church! So I definitely feel like I'm being well taken care of and everything!

Now, let's get on with the scale:

Pain: 3/10
Dizziness: 2/10
Sleepiness: 7/10
Swelling: I'm definitely swollen, but I really can't tell how swollen because of all the gauze, splints, and tape,
Breathing/Congested: I'm very congested and my mouth is super dry. I'm supposed to only be breathing through my mouth anyway, so that's really frustrating.

And that's about it! I'm really glad that this surgery is done with and now all I have to do is wait for it all to heal just be patent! 

My jaw surgery was by far a lot worse than this when it comes to this one, but partly it's mic just because I'm able to eat normal foods and such. I think if any of you are worried about getting any more surgery after your maxillary jaw surgery, then I honestly wouldn't worry about it being any worse than that one!

I love you guys, as a lot of you have given me a lot of support! (:

Another Surgery Down One More to Go!

Hello people of the internet!

It's been a while since I last updated, but things have been busy with me as I've been finishing up my last year of high school (woo-woo!). Anyway, I thought I'd give y'all a very quick update on what's going on in my life as far as surgeries and any orthodontic work and I guess what's going on in my life in general.

I have decided to make an advice blog on Tumblr and I thought that maybe some of y'all could go check it out. It's for anybody going into high school and needing advice and I will be sharing some of my own insight as I go on my journey through college! 

Here's the link: http://collegechickadvice.tumblr.com/

Anyway, I have graduated high school (finally!) and I am so happy to be done. I feel like getting surgeries in high school and even in middle school can be scary for people and they can really take a toll on you--especially when you're trying to catch up on school and stuff like that. However, any maxillary jaw surgery can be quite frightening no matter what your age because everyone has to put their life on pause to recover. 

So, I have graduated high school and I am currently looking for a silly job for the summer so I can start saving up for some spending money for college. I will be majoring in Neuroscience and I am super stoked about it (despite the fact that some people seem super awed by it and some people look at me like I'm weird. . .but whatever). I will be going to a 4-year university and I really am excited to start a new part of my life and meet new people and most of all. . . be DONE with surgeries!

So that's where my surgeries come in! So I just got one with a frenectomy with my periodontist which surprisingly wasn't as bad as it sounds! The shots definitely hurt than the actual "operation". For all of you who don't know what a frenectomy is, it's basically removing some tissue so that my lip can move farther and stuff. Anyway, it was a 30-minute procedure and it really just involved some cutting and some digging and then a little bit of stitches! So yay!

Anyway, there's like a triangle of my face that's numb, which I guess compared to the jaw surgery, is really nothing, but I really never have enjoyed the feeling of being numb on my face. . .but I guess you do need it. Of course, there will be some slight swelling and the recovery time probably a couple days to about a week and then I'll be all done with that surgery.

However, my orthodontist is really nervous about this bone that's showing in my gums from my jaw surgery so she wanted me to ask my periodontist about it and apparently, he just said that it was dead bone and it really wasn't going to affect anything. . .but I will probably ask my orthodontist about what she wants me to do about it if it's really not that big of an issue. But I'll probably find out in the next week. . .

Anyway, I have one more surgery that I've scheduled for this summer and it is for my nose, in other words I'm getting a rhinoplasty which. . . is basically a nose job.

Now before y'all start getting judgmental in your heads when reading this, I thought I'd let you know that my nose has always been just fine in my own view. There are times when I really hate how asymmetrical that it is but it was the way God made me and that was one thing that took me a really really long time to accept, but I think it's time I just get it fixed and most importantly and what I'm more excited about is that it should be helping me fix my breathing! I've said this before in previous blog posts, but I've had a really hard time breathing through my nose throughout my life and I've always been a mouth breather, but of course, the jaw surgery really did help, but I do want to be able to help it as much as I can.

I will be updating my recovery time for that as I go toward it, but I don't think I'm looking forward to the post-op stuff for this surgery either. I think I'll look more like crap than I did after the maxillary jaw surgery which isn't something I'm looking forward to, but I think I'll be happy with it after a year, just like the jaw surgery.

Anyway, that should be my very last surgery which makes me ecstatic, you have no idea. It's been a long journey for me and I'm really excited to have that all behind me and just look forward to enjoying the rest of college and everything else.

Anyway as far as the pain level for this last operation. . . 

Well, I'm starting to feel a little, tiny bit of pain which is like a 3/10 but I am still pretty much numb. If anything, the shots hurt the most and I really don't really like shots. . . ever so yeah. The recovery time is quick and I look forward to healing easily from this little operation!

Hope you all are enjoying your summer!

Updates and My Personal Thoughts on New Years

Well hello internet!

So, my last blog update wasn't my nicest blog ever but sometimes I just need to vent so I apologize for that. I really just needed to get out what I was feeling. However, that doesn't mean that I am forever grateful for being able to get my gums fixed so I wouldn't get an infection or for something worse to happen.

Anyway, this blog is kind of a two one. Right now, it's 11:02 where I live. . . almost new years and I figured I'd do an update for you guys and do my thoughts on "New Years" and all the ideas that come with it. Some of you might agree with me and some of you might disagree with me and that's okay, but this is just sort of a reflection update for me over what New Years is and just this past year or whatever.

So my update. . .

My gums are feeling better. It still hurts when I smile or when I put any kind of pressure on my upper lip. And what's funny, is because my graft was taken from two locations on the roof of my mouth, it feels better for me to have my retainer in because it puts pressure and makes the pain non-existent there, but when it's out in the open, without the retainer, everything is super sensitive.

Looking back at the surgery, I didn't like it. Obviously. And when I was going through it, I was thinking, "Man, if this is is what they're doing for this small kind of procedure (I put 'small' lightly) then what the heck did they do during my jaw surgery?" And you know what, that brought back some bad memories and that's probably why I ended up writing that interesting blog post this last week. I think I'm still learning to deal with surgeries and what it means for me to have them.

I may or may not have mentioned that when I finally got out of the office and went into the bathroom I broke down into tears. I deal with physical pain pretty well. However, I don't deal with emotional pain very well. I don't really know why. . . maybe it's just me but there are moments when I feel kind of broken down and I don't want to have to put up with going through surgery after surgery or problem after problem when it comes to my mouth and my teeth or even my face.

I still have at least two or three surgeries left, as far as I can see. My dad told me to look for noses I like. Why? Because I can get a nose job after everything's all done. And inside, that kind of makes me sad because I just can't seem to be okay with a lot of what that sentence means in context. Do I not like my own nose? Why can't I just accept my own nose? Sure, it's crooked. And definitely not symmetrical but it gives it a little bit of character, I guess.

But compared to where I was, last January, I definitely have a lot more self confidence and a lot more perspective on things. Surgery was a major deal. There were a lot of down and very few ups at the time I got it down but I love my new smile and even more so, I love that I can breathe! It's done loads for my playing the clarinet and it's done a ton for my singing.

Overall, surgeries are my least and favorite thing about my past. They've helped me in more ways I can say. They've also hurt me in more ways I can even think about. I've had a lot but at the same time, it's kind of something I have to go through. What's funny though, is one of my classes at school, I met a boy who was also born with cleft lip. No palate. I don't think, from what I can remember. He had six years of braces--pretty much like me. But no surgeries. And he's one of those guys that people like in high school and also. . . hate. He's cool. He's an athlete. Or. . . he was. He switched schools his senior year. But it made me think about how circumstances are always different and it's kind of interesting to see how other people have dealt with the same ordeals as me.

Anyway, from what I can see, I'm pretty okay. Pain is minimal except when smiling. My dentist said it looked good today. I was supposed to get a cavity filling in today but she didn't to mess around the grafting site so they decided to postpone it. Which in my mind, is totally okay because I really hate shots that go in my mouth. I really do. Like. . . with a passion.

**********************

New Years--it's a big "thing" around the world. It gives people the opportunity to change who they are and it gives them hope that change can happen.People make resolutions and plans such as, "I'll eat healthier!" or "I'll be more organized." "I won't procrastinate." "I'll work on my love life." Whatever they may be--it's kind of something most of us do and over the past 17 years, I've realized how silly they are. People will be so excited to get to it for the first past few weeks and then suddenly, things go back to normal.

Raise your hand if this has happened to you? **awkwardly looks around the room and raises hand slightly** Yep. Me too. I think the problem with New Years is it gives me a fake version of hope for change. Change can be great. Sometimes you're thrown into it and you have no word in it and then there are times like New Years. We have complete control over this sort of change. Change is a touchy thing because if you have the ability to change something then that means you're deciding whether or not happens and sometimes, it won't happen only because you aren't ready for change. You're not committed to making the change--despite the fact that you seem like you are because New Years has psyched you up for change. Hell, it makes sense! Change for the better makes all of us excited and proud of ourselves. We get motivated. But here's my question for me and the rest of you: If you wanted to change so much then why didn't you change some other time in the year?

Sounds harsh, but I definitely think I make sense. I could have ate healthy back in the summer. I could have started being organized yesterday. I could have stopped procrastination several years ago. But I didn't. And a lot of the times, I make the same resolutions every year and it just never happens. Why? Because I don't think I actually care.

New Years Resolutions are great. But only if you're ready for them. . .

Now, onto a different topic: Reflection.

Reflection through any mile stone is just kind of a natural extinct for us humans to do. We're emotional creatures. We're social creatures. So we look back at our year and say, "Wow. Thanks [fill in important people here] for making this year such a great one! Here's to another year!" Or maybe, "Wow. This year sucked. Next year will be better." Or "Wow! I learned so much through this year. I've met new people and I've had my heartbroken. Despite all of that, this year was great and I really hope next year will be just as great!"

I love reflection--as you can see. And here's my hypocritical side coming out of me--why the hell do we have to do this every year? Why can't we reflect every day? Or every month? Or every 6 months? I don't get it. What makes the fact that the number of the year changes makes us reflect on the past year?

I personally look back at 2013 in both a personal way and a social media way or pop culture way. Two totally different things but I feel like reflection isn't really much until we actually take it and really learn from it. Here's what I have to say about both pop culture of 2013 and my own life.

Pop culture? Crap. Don't get me wrong, this year had some intriguing things in it. Miley Cyrus and her tongue. The U.S Government shutting down. A shooting nearby. The Harlem Shake. "What Does The Fox Say?" More war. More hatred. More technology. Sexist music and videos. Great movies. Bad movies.

All of it isn't all that memorable sometimes. Personally, I hate Miley Cyrus' public image. I don't know about her as a person but to me, she really just wants to be remembered. And she will be. I don't know if she will be memorable for really genuine moments, but who knows. Politics aren't even worth discussing. People are always going to be hateful and spiteful. Catastrophes all over the world are always something that I think are touchy. People remember them but I don't know if anybody really change because of them. I say this because I look back at my own school shooting from when I was in 8th grade and sure, protection has gone up but I feel as though community only happened because of the tragedy. And in ways, it's both good and bad. Community should always be there--it shouldn't matter the circumstance. But in the same way, tragedy always ends up bringing out the absolute worst and best of people. It's crazy to me. Pop music will forever be something that I either absolutely HATE or love. That's just me. Catchy tunes make me happy. However, music is something that means the world to me. So when I see artists doing crazy things. . . well, to me, I don't think it makes sense to call themselves musicians just because that person can look psychotic on a stage while sing well. Real music is music that makes you reflect on life. Pop music is a great way to have fun with, but it isn't music that touches my heart and my soul.

On a personal note. . . this year has had some major ups and some major downs. As you all know, surgery has just taken over my life. My face looks different because of it. I sound different because of it. I loved the overall outcome of it. I hated it at the moment. I think, it just goes to show that if you're too closely involved in a situation, sometimes it's impossible to see things clearly until you take a step back or ask for some guidance from an outside perspective. 

This year, I saw a friend leave my life. We're still in contact but it's certainly not the same. At the same time, I made two really awesome gals who have really helped me kind of become myself. They're just as crazy as me but the three of us are so different that it's good because we balance each other out.

I got closer to God. I met some really great Godly people who I truly admire and look up to because they've helped me through some really hard times. I met some really awesome girls at camp from youth group who taught me a lot. And some of them were several years younger than me. They taught me that it doesn't matter your age--God is always there and if you let Him, He'll bring some really awesome people into your life. You just have to want it. And because of that, I met some really great, Women of God who changed my life.

I grew a lot in passions that I love.

 Marching band was tough on me emotionally this year. The friends I met came from marching band. Despite the fact I wasn't really fond of it, they were there and dealt with my venting and pushed me as a clarinetist. And hell, as a marching band, we put on one HELL of a last show. It was memorable.

Choir . . . has been. . . interesting. Since it's been two school years in the last year, there was a dramatic change. I don't love school choir anymore so much but I learned a lot from the gals who were in it last year. I'm learning how to be more of a leader. I'm learning that I don't deal with people very well and I need to asking for patience. I've learned what it means to become more of an independent singer. I learned that failure is okay. . . especially when it comes to auditions. In the past three years, I auditioned each year for my school's musical and not ONCE did I make it. However, I decided to do tech for musical. Yes, there are people who annoy me there too (that's just my personal nature) but I still loved some of the people who I did meet and make bonds with. I learned that just because I didn't get into something doesn't mean I won't have a talent somewhere else. And even though I failed several other auditions, I managed to get into ALL STATE CHOIR and be the ONLY girl from my school who got in. Which is a HUGE deal. I learned to have confidence in myself in ways that means I need to be okay with my failures. Music is always going to be a part of my life--small or big. I love it. I love doing it. But I don't do it so I can do great things with it. Even if I'm not very great in say, acting and singing, I still love being able to sit in my room and pluck out some beautiful sounds on my guitar in my room in private.

Most of all, I've really just learned acceptance. Hell, I'm still learning it. I'm learning what it means to accept myself and my own flaws. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. I need to learn to be patient still. I need to learn how to just take things as it goes and just kind of go on with things. I need to learn to understand people a little bit better. I need to learn to deal with things better. But this year was full of well, just a lot of events and a lot of memories. I took them and made reactions out of them and lessons. That's what every year is. But mostly, I've really learned what I need to work on.

In this next year, I don't really have resolutions. I just hope that I can learn them and not force them upon myself. I hope that college will go accordingly. I hope that All State Choir will be bombtastic. I hope that I learn to survive more surgeries. I hope that graduation will just come and go and I won't have to see people from high school EVER again. I hope that other people plan to change things because they want to NOT because they feel the NEED to.

As for me, I'm going to go and read Harry Potter and enjoy myself. I don't care that I didn't do anything special tonight. Most people feel so upset because they didn't do anything enjoyable. But to me, tonight is just another night. I've reflected tonight just as much as I did, if not LESS, than I did when I got my surgery done.

It is now 11:59. My last moment in 2013 and all I can say is I just hope throughout my life, things go well. NOT just 2014. Or 2015. ALL OF IT.

Happy New Years everyone and I hope I enlightened some of you.

Procedure Done

I'm home!

Unfortunately, I'm in a good amount of pain. And I really, really, really, really, REALLY hate doctors. For so many reasons.

If anything, this blog post might be a venting post if not anything else. So, I had tissue grafts done which means I had two areas of the roof of my mouth taken apart and put somewhere else. I don't know about you, but that sounds PAINFUL! And it is! Especially when your doctor doesn't give you enough Novocain to begin with! Second of all, my periodontist was all, "Oh there's this new technology that we use! It vibrates and it makes sure the shot that you put in for the Novocain doesn't hurt at all!" WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, the vibrating stick DOES NOTHING for the pain when you get a shot--ESPECIALLY when it's on the roof of your mouth! WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! What?!?!?! HAVE YOU TRIED IT ON YOURSELF! I DON'T THINK SO DOC!!!!!!!!!

Second of all, I just feel the need to say something about how doctors just randomly talk to their freaking assistance as if the patient isn't there! NO DOCTOR, I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW AT THE DAMN DRIVE-IN! It's completely irrelevant and I don't care about it! And quite frankly, your making the procedure sound super nonchalant as if it's no big deal! Uh. . .no, doc, sorry. . . it IS a big deal!

Third of all, this procedure? Yeah. . . LOTS OF BLOOD. And because I was completely aware of everything that was going on around me, I was NOT a fan of having the damn assistance jab a freaking suction thing in my mouth every chance she got! I'D MUCH RATHER SWALLOW THE BLOOD than having you freaking choke me with a freaking suction thing!

Fourth of all, after going through jaw surgery, I don't even want TO KNOW what they did during my jaw surgery and what that felt like during the surgery. Because these grafts were NOT fun. All you hear is freaking chipping going on in your gums and scraping and they prick YOU A TON! It's not fun! Quite frankly, I miss my doctor for my jaw surgery because at least he was personable. This guy? OH NO. He was just "let's do this and go from there." In my own opinion, I don't think that's the best way to go about something as painful as a tissue graft.

Anyway, now that I'm done with my venting here's how it went:

I got there. They brought me back and the used that STUPID vibrating crap in my mouth while they were giving me the Novocain shot (which did NOTHING) and then they waited a little bit for it all to settle in. All in all, I think I got around 4 shots. All of them hurt. After that, they did a lot of poking and prodding around my tooth that was getting the graft and then they a lot of poking and prodding on the roof of my mouth where they were getting the tissue for the graft from. That DID hurt. And only one graft took about. . . hmmm an hour and like twenty minutes or something. I was gagging on my own blood it was FANTASTIC. Then they moved on to the other graft which was just as annoying as the first one. All in all, it was the same thing. They cut out tissue, they poked me, stitched four areas in total in my mouth and now I'm done.

Quite frankly, going through it just reminded me of jaw surgery and that experience. . . isn't something I like to remember. It was painful and it made me feel very vulnerable. And that's basically how I'm feeling now.

So let's start to gage some stuff:
Pain: 4/10 (It's throbbing pain)
Emotional state: I'm a mess. Let's be honest. It brought back bad memories.
Diet: I'm on a liquid diet for the day. WHOOPDEEFREAKINGDO.
Numbness: I'm basically numb anywhere in my upper lip, my gums, and like the first part of my palate which is where they got the tissue from.

Overall, I'm more annoyed than anything else. Nevertheless, I'm still a sarcastic person who doesn't like doctors.

I am now going to spend the rest of the day in my bed, reading Harry Potter, watching Harry Potter, and going on Pottermore and be taking strong meds.

Another Surgery

Why hello!

It has definitely been a while and I really had to go back and think about all the things I've been through for the past few months. I have to say, things have been going well since the last surgery that I had. Jaw surgery is a major surgery. It's a big deal and it definitely can have it's impact on you. It made an impact on me, that's for sure.

Anyway, recently, just about two weeks ago, I got my braces off. . . if you couldn't tell by the last post! It felt so great to get them off, but of course, my upper teeth (since I had upper jaw surgery only) are still a bit unstable. Hell, I had my braces on for seven years so getting them off was a big difference to me! I felt myself running my tongue over my teeth all the time after I ate because I was afraid I had food in them! Haha. . . how ironic.

Anyway, as a real update for all of you, I would have to say that jaw surgery is definitely well worth it. I look into the mirror and I feel really proud of my smile and it's definitely been a long journey for me. I've had MULTIPLE surgeries, including the jaw surgery, as well as seven years of braces. I had them on since fifth grade and I am now a senior in high school. However, I started with only braces on my upper teeth and I also started out with an expander (also not very fun) but all in all, it was all really worth it. It's definitely been an emotional roller coaster for the past few months, but with some really great friends, an even more amazing GOD, and my family, I've been able to get through it. Sure, my best friend moved away, but I managed to get closer to new friends and God and that has really proven to help me become stronger as an individual. Oh. . . and using jaw surgery as my college essay was a huge help too (; hahaha.

For the most part, the feeling in my face and upper mouth is back. If I touch it, I can definitely feel that I've been touching it.  However, my upper gums don't really have their feelings or sensitivity back, which in ways can help sense my teeth are still sensitive. I still find it hard to eat certain things, because my teeth are sensitive and I definitely find it hard to play clarinet sometimes because I do bite with my upper teeth.

One thing I did fail to mention (or so I think) is that after my jaw surgery, I had a tooth root showing in my upper gums. Basically, it looks like gums. My surgeon, from my jaw surgery, assumed that it would close up after a few months and that just never happened. And on top of that, it seemed as though I have either one or two dead teeth from the jaw surgery which is kind of disappointing. Because of that, I had to go to the periodontist last week (Tuesday to be exact) and now. . .  well, tomorrow morning, I have two tissue grafts planned. I have to say, I'm nervous but I'm definitely not as nervous as I was for the jaw surgery.

The jaw surgery scared me to pieces. As most people have told me, I have a HIGH tolerance for pain. It's just who I am and I've been through a lot of pain because of other surgeries and I manage to deal with it. (Except when I fall, I'm sick, or I get hit, then it all hurts like hell). But of course, despite my high tolerance of pain, I was extremely nervous for my surgery and looking back at it, I certainly had every reason to be. It HURT. And it was not fun at all. Of course, that morning of my jaw surgery, I basically broke down into tears when I went to go change into my hospital gown. That's how scared I was.

However, now I'm looking at tissue grafts which also. . . don't seem to sound that pleasant. I mean, for all of you who don't know what tissue grafts are. . . well it's basically taking a piece of your tissue on your palate and taking it and putting in your gums. I don't know about the rest of you, but that really doesn't sound that pleasant. And of course, my friend's aunt had the same operation, and she said it hurt like HELL. She said that it took months for it to heal because it's healing in an area that's wet and damp (your mouth). However, my periodontist said that it only takes a few days for it to feel better and just a couple of weeks for you to feel better. And let's be honest, I think my friend's aunt's condition was rare and was an exception.

Just like I did for my jaw surgery, (I was stupid) and I decided to look stuff up about it just now and it turns out, it really isn't that bad. It really does take a couple weeks to heal and the most pain you feel is like having a really bad burn on the roof of your mouth.

After having a week to process it (well 5/6 days), I've realized that it really can't be ANYWHERE nearly as bad as jaw surgery. The pain will be nothing. The emotional damage will be NOTHING. The diet will be nothing. Overall, I feel pretty confident in myself. I feel pretty good about going in tomorrow morning and being okay with everything. I think at the end of the day, I think it's more important to get it done. I mean, the jaw surgery I don't think was NECESSARY for my health but this is and it'll make my smile look even better than it already is.

I think after going through a ton of other stuff, I think I'm more than well prepared for this surgery. It's amazing what past experiences can do for you. I actually decided to get two surgeries in one day and I also decided to only get numbed up instead of having an IV or even having laughing gas which just means I'm not as nervous which definitely brings comfort to myself.

For any of you going through jaw surgery or any surgery at all, I wish you luck. . . especially as I go in for another one tomorrow morning! (:

Braces are off!!!!

Hi guys!

I thought I would do a very, very quick update and tell all of you that my braces are finally off! I've had them on for seven years and I just got them off today! And what's really funny though, is that I didn't know I was getting them off today! Haha. Anyway, the retainers are kind of annoying and they really kind of bother me when I take the upper retainer out because my teeth are still sensitive from jaw surgery, but other than that, it feels great to have them out!

Here's a picture!

Judgment and Priorities

The title of this particular blog has one the words I hate the most. It's the word that people keep saying I do. It's the word everyone does and everyone resents. It's the word that scared me the most during my time of my surgery.

The second word is what we dictate our lives over and such. Right? We prioritize. We decide what we need to and what we don't need to do. And part of that can relate to the first word. We set priorities and we judge those who don't have the same priorities. You get the idea.

It's annoying. It's aggravating. We all hate it. And if you like it when people make judgments about you then I'd say that you were a big. fat. liar. Nobody likes to be judged as something they aren't. Nobody likes to be told what they can and cannot do based off of someone's judgment. Hell, nobody likes it when people set your priorities for you. Right? Or am I just generalizing things?

I have set my priorities--especially as a high school students. I also have my own opinions. I also can judge people. As do most. It can be a good judgment or a bad judgment. Either way, we all know that in the back our own little heads, judging others is never okay. So why the hell do we all do it? Why do we put our expectations on others? Is it just to judge other people?

As most of you know, if you've been following this blog enough, you'll know that I'm a Christian. I'm a strong Christian and I love all the fellowship I've made through being a Christian. I believe in God and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It's a stereotype that Christians though are probably one of the most judgmental people. Why? Because we expect others to act the way we do because we assume that our beliefs are the right beliefs. Logically, that makes sense but biblically it doesn't. Christians, as most people would also assume, shouldn't judge others. Nobody should and yet I feel like Christians can be the most who do just that.

The more I go to church the more I feel like people are expecting to know more about God and such. I know that's what's supposed to happen. I know that I should be working on that but when I have other expectations that lay on my shoulders, it's hard to do that. I'm trying not to make mistakes. I don't have the time and I'm not making the time. I'll be honest about that. But what I don't understand is why people can't be understanding of that. No. I can't be a perfect Christian like you. I have other priorities. Yes, God is my top priority but at the same time, it isn't right for others to make my priorities for myself.

I'm a high school student. I'm applying for colleges. I need sleep. I go to church all of Sunday. I go to Youth Group on Wednesdays. I try to prioritize things right now in a way where I won't get bored or frustrated. And it isn't okay for anybody to ask me to prioritize things differently. It's hard enough for me to have down-time, let alone read. I realize I should read the Bible. But randomly asking me what certain means from the Bible is just plain out rude. Especially when my priorities are different than others. I KNOW I need to make time. I also KNOW that I won't do it when people are pressuring me to do so. Being Christian is a choice and asking me to do things for the better of me isn't the same thing. I have to want to do it.

God has made me stronger. I believe that--especially after this surgery. But one of the hardest battles all Christians have is making God our top priority. It's hard. And for someone to go and put pressure on me to know things from the Bible almost throws me off because they just assume things about me. They put weight on my shoulders that I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR.

See what I fail to understand is why Christians seem to assume that we're all perfect and judge others who aren't even though deep down, we all know that we aren't.

Quick update:
Emotional: Okay. Annoyed, but okay.
Swelling: Gone, I'd assume.
Pain: 1/10 ( I still get the occasional pain in teeth when playing clarinet and eating.)
My fistula still kind of has a small opening and the stitches around it are sore.
My diet is back to normal.
Congestion: Bad. I was sick all last week so yeah.

Anyway, that was my rant for the week. Hopefully, I won't have to too many times for that.