A Little Setback

Thought I'd do a quick update for all of you for the day, as it is Saturday, so high-ho let's go!

Anyway, so last night, I could literally feel myself getting 'sick' as my throat was getting hoarse and dry and a little annoyed and I woke up this morning with a sore throat. However, I don't think I'm technically sick. I didn't have a fever so I think it's my allergies bothering the living daylights out of me. ): 

I'm currently just relaxing as I just took a bunch of Ibuprofen and decongestant as I had this huge headache. Let's just say I'm a tad bit grumpy right now. ): Okay, may not grumpy . . . how about uh, restless? Frustrated? I don't like having to deal with a massive headache, a bit of a sore throat, and a runny nose along with the numbness and soreness in my face that I'm currently having. I really just want to hide underneath a blanket and cry . . . bahaha. 

So yeah, that's my update!

Have a fabulous evening/day/morning. Whatever. Meh. Stupid time differences.

Another Doctor's Appointment and One "Week" Done of School

I have such an original title for blog posts, don't I? Hah. Not. 

Okay, just a quick update on what I managed to do today. . . 

I had a doctor's appointment, as it seems like I'm going to be having one with him every week, I guess? Anyway, he said that my gums look really good and clean and stuff so I was really, really happy about that! (: He also said that my gums are slowly going over the bone for my teeth and stuff where they made the incisions above my canines so I was really, really happy about that. They also managed to poke me in the face. >:( I didn't like it. Although it was 'necessary'. They wanted to see how much feeling/sensation I was getting back in my face, so they used a piece of paper on both sides (I felt more on my left . . . which I guess kind of makes sense) and then they managed to take a pointy stick (which I'm just going to call a toothpick) and poked me in my cheeks and stuff. It honestly hurt. I was surprised that I could feel anything but my skin felt over sensitive. He also said that my swelling has gone a lot, but obviously, still there. Let's be honest, it won't be completely down for a while. He also said my side profile looks different, so I guess that's good? I don't know. I really hate my nose right now. Since I was born with cleft lip and palate my nose has always been asymmetrical but now I actually see it slanting. Let's make it short and say it brings my self-confidence down a bit. . .

Anyway, moving on . . . today was the same as the last two days, but I did to get miss the first two classes due to a 'wonderful' doctor's appointment, which I guess isn't a big deal. Um, I managed to kind of sing in choir and I skipped a freaking hard Pre-Calc test. Ok. I didn't skip it, I got to 'opt' out of it because I wasn't ready for it . . . yet. **shutters** I also managed to not have to take that World History test so that was kind of nice. It gives me the weekend to study for it. Oh the joy. Um, that's about it. My day was boring. I noticed that I also feel self-conscience about showing any sign of happiness--laughter, smiling. Why? I feel like my smile is beyond stupid right now and I don't know how to smile. That's sounds really sad, but it's true. I feel like people look at me funny when I'm smiling or laughing nowadays and I just don't want to smile anymore, not at school at least. I also don't like talking still and I also found myself feeling pretty lonely. Since my best friend moved, I haven't really had anybody to talk to so now it's really just me and the few 'acquaintances' that I have. I don't feel comfortable talking to anybody about this because they honestly won't get it. They don't understand why this is a big deal for me because they don't know my past or my history when it comes to my braces or my smile or my cleft lip & palate. I do a good job of hiding it. 

On that note, I'd just like to say that I'm glad I have this blog to vent because I have nobody else to vent to. I guess I'll be happier later when this is all over. For now, I'm holding on with the amount of sanity and happiness I still have. :P haha. 

Hope all of you have a lovely weekend! (:

Quote(s):

Being strong is facing the truth and not falling apart when everyone expects you to.

Life is full of challenges, but these challenges are only given to you because God knows your faith is strong enough to get through them.

I am a strong person, but every now and then, I also need someone to take my hand and say everything will be okay.

I am strengthened by my weaknesses. I am brave because of my fears. I am greater because of my mistakes. Life goes on, forget the past.

"Back to School, Back to School . . . "

Howdy internet world! (:

So I'm really sorry for those of you waiting to see what my 'back to school' experience was since it seems to me like I'm one of the few people who actually go back to school only a week and a half later post-operation. 

So I'd just like to officially say that I'm not dead and I'm okay. So whoopee for that . . . 

Actually, it wasn't terrible. There wasn't as much as staring as there was a lot of questions for why I missed a freaking week of school, which I guess is understandable. A few people who nice about it, asked about my face and why it was so swollen and I simply responded with, "I had jaw surgery." Let's be honest now, it got old to tell after about the third time. And not only that, a lot of people had follow up questions because some people knew that I was having surgery. They asked how it went. (Fair warning: I'm going to just let out all my pent out frustration from today and yesterday.) HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW IT WENT? I was out for six hours, stupid people! I mean honestly, if I'm alive and I'm back at school, then yes, it went fine. Now if went bad, do you honestly think I would be back after a week from such a major surgery. HELL NO. Geez! 

Okay . . . I'm done. (Maybe . . .) A lot of people had follow up questions after I said I had surgery. Sometimes I would just say I had jaw surgery. Other times I just said I had surgery, period and hopefully they'd understand that I didn't want to talk about it. Nay. The follow up questions tended to be: "What exactly did you have done?" "How long are you going to be numb?" "How long will you not be able to sing in choir?" "How long can you not play in band?" "Are you on a liquid diet?" "How long are you going to be on a liquid diet?" "Does it hurt?" "Did it hurt?" "How long is the recovery time?" and you know, my favorite: "Why did you have this surgery?" (to which I wanted to reply with, 'Oh you know, I really wanted to get corrective jaw surgery). 

I was trying to stay positive and I didn't reply to any of these questions with sarcasm--honest. I just wanted to punch people in the face after a while. I'm a pretty sarcastic person so when people ask stupid questions (and yes, there is such a thing as a 'stupid question) then I want to just roll my eyes and turn around and walk away. I understand a lot of people are curious but you know, if you didn't originally talk to me before the surgery, don't talk to me now just because you noticed a change in my face or my absence at school. It makes no difference to me if you care or not. I mean, of course it's nice to know I was missed by certain people but goodness gracious . . . 

On a physical note, I did get dizzy a lot and I really don't know why I always get dizzy. Does that happen to anybody of you? I get dizzy whenever I have any sudden movement at all and when I leave over or sometimes, it's just random. It's weird for me. Also, I noticed that I do NOT like it whenever anybody is more than a foot close to my head, or even me anymore. I feel the need to put my arms up and push people out of my way because I'm so afraid of the amount of pain I would get if someone were to be reckless and run into me. Two girls were horseplaying in a pretty 'narrow' hallway and they ran into me. I about lost my patience for the day, as it was after school and wanted to tell them to be more careful. Instead, I held up my arms and rolled my eyes to myself and carried on with getting my things together so I could get the heck out of dodge.

On the emotional side of things, I felt kind of happy about getting back to normal but I felt unusually more self-conscience about the swelling I have. I need to post an actual picture when I get the chance but I'm waiting for a while. When I'm at home, I feel okay about my face and I feel comfortable as it's just me and my mom and my two lovely puppies (dogs, whatever) but when I'm surrounded by people, I feel like my face is more swollen than it really is and I have to look in the mirror just to see what I really look like, as I'm still numb. It's a weird feeling. I also feel like a complete and utter idiot when I talk to people due to my splint. I want it out, let's just say that. I sound like I have a really weird lisp and can't pronounce my words because well . . . there's something constantly in my mouth, ha. I hate talking and I actually have to give a presentation in Spanish--yeah, screw that teacher. Blegh. I felt okay but there are times when I just want to give up and cry. It's not me and it bothers me. :-/ 

Now, finally, for the real part . . . school. I missed five days total, as I had a snow day on Tuesday of this week and then came back Wednesday and I am actually more behind than I wanted to be. I have at least two tests to make up, a presentation to make up, all of my math homework to catch up on, book notes for Honors Chem to read and annotate, an in-class essay and multiple choice for AP Language and Comp., and I can't freaking play in band or sing in choir due to the fact I'll make the group sound horrible with my splint and my horrible talking/pronunciation. 

Music is a really big part of my life and it's hard not being able to do that after a while, actually. I mean, I can sing on my own terms but not with the choir. I can play the guitar whenever I please at home and the piano, but I can't play clarinet. It's weird to think about and I think I'm deprived! Blaaaaaah. 

Anyway, that's a semi-quick update! I must go and study for a HUGE World History test so tah-tah-for-now!

Surprise, Surprise and A Little Deep Thinking

So, it turns out . . . my gap in my smile is gone! WOOOOOOOO!

So, to actually explain what this means, I'll actually try to explain this, hahaha. So, for . . . the time that I've gotten my braces, I've had a gap in my smile. A big. Gaping. HOLE. This is also where the fistula was in my mouth. It was between lip and my gum of where my canine tooth or whatever was supposed to be. Actually, I once had that tooth, but the dentist and orthodontist at the time thought that it would be best to take that tooth out and then we'd replace that tooth with a fake one. 

It turns out, now that I can kind of smile (although it still definitely hurts and it strains my face because of the swelling I still have) I can actually see that the gap is gone. It's filled with a tooth!!!! I think what they ended up doing was moving my jaw in a way that filled the teeth in where that hole was and now, I have a 'complete' smile. Well, kind of. 

Anyway, I was actually really happy to see that because I've always hated that gap. It was really wide and I felt really self-conscience about it because well, everyone else I know has a normal smile. A 'normal' face. A face that everyone is so used to seeing while mine definitely has it's differences from everyone else due to me being born cleft lip & palate.

So yay! It makes me even more excited to see what the future has in store later for my smile and my face. I'm just hoping that it won't make more self conscience . . . which I guess, leads me to my next part of this post. 

So I'm going back to school tomorrow. I'm officially twelve days post-op and I'm definitely feeling strong enough to go back to school, as my surgeon/doctor said that it would be okay to be going back to school. However, I still get random dizzy moments and I still feel self-conscience about my face partly because I know for a fact that I look different from what I used to look like. At the end of the day, I know I should be happy about this surgery, but at the same time, I'm so nervous about the results. 

I didn't tell that many people about this surgery . . . just a few teachers (not even all of them) and my best friend who's a thousand miles away and obviously, my family knows about it. The only difference was that I know that somebody was listening to me talking to a teachers so they know about it. So yeah . . . 

I guess what I'm most afraid is people will be judging my face more than I do and even though I know it's not 'right' to care about what others think about you, it's kind of impossible. I think everyone has at one point in their life, dwelled on the flaws about them. I want people to think that I am strong and I'm okay with this process because truth is, I am. I'm keeping an open-mind but I'm afraid people who don't know anything about this kind of operation or my life will end up just going straight to a conclusion about my face and who I am and that is never going to be okay with me. 

I think what's going to end up happening is people are going to want to talk to me and people are going to want to ask how I am and stuff and just observe me but that makes me feel like some stupid science project. I don't feel like being social, although I'm sure a lot of people feel like they should be social after this . . . or maybe they do feel like me? I don't know. I just know that talking makes it even more evident that I'm different and I've got a new scar in me both emotionally and physically and I don't think I can handle that at this point in time. 

I'm hoping I will learn to not dwell on this and I'm able to keep my head held high and hopefully, managed to go back to school unscathed and okay in the end. 

I'm also anxious to see how homework is going to ruin my life. ): Ugh. For all of you wondering, I'm definitely an anxious student who works hard at whatever I can to keep my grades up and being away from school has taken it's own toll. It's hard not to fall behind while missing about five days of school and let's be honest, I'll probably be buried in homework and stuff and that is going to be the death of me. I'm anxious to see how I hold up with the stress.

I'll keep you guys updated and hopefully, I'll be able to post something after I get back from my first return to school.

I hope all of you are wonderful and for those of you also dealing with the recovery of this surgery, I pray that you guys are all recovering nicely and feel just as confident as you should. (:

Beauty in the Breakdown/Being A Friend/Supportive

Hey all!

Sorry I haven't really updated everyone in a while. It's been hectic at my house with all the stuff that we're doing to fix up the house while someone is here. We ended up having to take out the internet router to paint my room and pretty much all of upstairs so that's why I wasn't able to write at all yesterday!

Just a quick update on me physically: The swelling is still present. My mom and I have decided it has gone down somewhere between 33%-45% but it's mostly on the right side of my face because that's where they made the incision to move my jaw. I was also really dizzy yesterday and I had a MASSIVE headache and I wasn't very happy and managed to have a little breakdown of my own. It's definitely frustrating when I can't eat what I wish I could eat and it's also frustrating when nobody can understand what the heck I'm saying. This surgery definitely makes things difficult on you but it's all about keeping your eye set on the end of the tunnel. 

So I thought I'd make a little post about what it means to have a friend or people being supportive throughout this surgery. I have to admit, there are times when I'm so thankful to have my family with me through this, as my best friend moved away about a month ago. Since then, I have not taken the time to make a new one because I've never been social but I still keep in touch with my best friend, obviously. 

The one thing I noticed though, was that whenever anybody has decided to make fun of the fact I can't talk very well or something I'm not exactly very happy about it. I mean, why wouldn't I? You try going through six hours of surgery and then get back to me. 

I'm usually pretty independent as I've said before in previous posts and a lot of people say I'm really good with taking the heat with things and just 'rolling with the punches' but that doesn't mean what people say don't get to me. I think that goes for everyone, actually. 

All I'm saying is that if you know of anybody who will be going through this surgery or is going through the recovery process, it would probably be appreciative if you would be supportive as you can. I mean, that doesn't mean I wish people would say, "Dang girl, you look hot now!" as I know that's not true but giving me words of wisdom always helps or when people say that things are going to get better is always helpful. I don't like it when people say, "I'm so sorry," and I hate it when people who usually would never give a flying f*** about me tend to ask me what happened to my face. It doesn't help because I'd rather not talk at all, let alone to someone like that and even then, it sounds rude. Just know that something happened and all you have to do is treat me like you normally would . . . I would much rather go back to how things were pre-op than people to act differently because they feel sorry for me just because they knew I went through this type of surgery.

Having relationships in this surgery is always helpful. (I'm talking having people in your life . . . not like having a boyfriend/girlfriend, by the way). It lets me know that I'm not going through this alone and that if I'm struggling to cope with this surgery then I can 'talk' to people about it and know that they'll be listening to me and helping me get through this. That's all that matters. Especially when I've read that some people have gone through an amount of depression when people go through this surgery.

For those of you reading this who are in the same boat as me, I wish you all a speedy recovery that goes really well without any bumps in the road. I also hope that your results come out really, really well and you are happy with your new smile! Stay positive and things will get better in no time. (:

Quotes:

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” 
― William Shakespeare

“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.” 
― Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.” 
― Helen Keller

Supplies and Such

Hi everyone!

I thought I'd do a certain part of my blog personally to go into detail as to what I would get for the hospital stay and more importantly, when you get home. These are all some things that I either would want personally or things I got personally for food, health, comfort, sleep, etc. 

For those who are wondering what my case is, well, to be more specific, I had an underbite and I couldn't really tell you specifically for the name but I got my upper jaw moved forward a few mm and I got a bone graft and a fistula closed. My jaw is NOT wired or banded shut yet but it might be shut later so my teeth can line up so to be fair, some of these suggestions will only apply to me as this surgery is all based on your own case.

So high-ho let's go!

For food/drink:
Mashed Potatoes (yes!) and gravy (if you like it, if not, it's not really that important).
Apple Sauce
Gritz (I put cheese in them after a while but they're really good if you don't get tired of them)
Yogurt
Milkshake items (yogurt, fruits, milk, etc)
Icecream
Pancakes (Some people won't be ready to eat these, as well as the rice and the scrambled eggs. It all depends.)
Any drink that you like (for me: Gatorade, Tea, Water, stuff like that)
Rice (this one I will tell you that you aren't probably going to want that much so it isn't necessary for you to get them. It's just a suggestion if you want something different.)
Scrambled Eggs
Soups (just the broth though)
Macaroni & Cheese (I mushed this up a lot to eat it)
Baby spoons (as a supply)
Syringe (most doctors supply this when you leave the hospital I hear. It makes eating certain things and drinking things a lot easier.)
Straw (I've officially been able to drink from a straw since, two days ago, I think, and it's a little easier than the Syringe.)

As I said, this is my case and what I like but they are ideas because I know some people will probably a little upset about not being able to eat what you normally can.

Health/Comfort:
A kind of stand up pillow (I have one and it's really nice to use to sit up when I sleep and just for my back in general)
Lip Balm
Mouthwash (I have prescribed crap but it's definitely helpful)
baby toothbrush
icepack/heatpack
lotion (my face gets really dry these days now)
And pretty much anything else you're probably going to want that's obvious like comfortable clothes, blankets, etc.)

Hope this was of any help to some of you but if I think of anymore, I'll update this portion of the blog.

Doctors Visit and a Trip Back to School

Hey all! 

Thought I'd give a quick update on today. I'm still fine pain wise and such and stomach still seems to hate me for taking that nasty liquid Ibuprofen and Tylenol but oh well. I'm not much a fan of anything that goes into my stomach these days. A good steak dinner sounds nice right about now, actually. 

So today, I went back to the "lovely" doctor's office to get a big check-up and I have another next week and it was really rather funny because I refused to smile. Why? Because it FREAKING HURTS! I found it quite amusing because the current resident surgeon or whatever was like, "I don't think she likes us. I think she hates us." And I really don't. I'm just trying not to laugh or smile because it hurts a lot and quite frankly, I'm not a social gal and I don't like talking to people . . . let alone trying to talk with a splint in my mouth. Which, according to my doctors, said it was put in too far back or something and also, my speech is different now. I don't know if it's good or not but they could tell I didn't quite care.

As for everything else, um, the doctor said I need to be brushing my teeth to be fighting infection because where the were closing the fistula in my mouth and where they made the incision to cut into my bone are pretty big 'cuts' and also, apparently, you can see bone. Which I find rather gross and I really didn't need to hear that. 

I can honestly say though that I hate going to the orthodontist and them though because of how NOT gentle they are with my mouth. I understand that they need to look at all of this stuff in my mouth but quite frankly, they are not gentle at all and they just yank my lips like I'm such rubber band that'll spring back after it's all said and done. NAY. And them having to lip my upper lip to look at my gums and my fistula wasn't fun although it was numb. I found it weird because it still hurt even though I was numb. I'm not really fond of it. 

Lastly, I went back to school to get some updates from my teachers and stuff to catch up on it all and lemme tell you, if you're going to get this type of surgery done or any major surgery done like this and you go to school (high school, college/university, etc) I would advise you to do it during the summer. It gives you time off to rest at your own pace. I'm not saying I'm not ready to go back or anything but I do have A LOT to catch up as I'm a student. Okay. I'll be honest. I'm a junior in high school. 

Anyway, it was okay to see people again but honestly, I feel self-conscious about the way my face looks these days. I don't want a lot of pity and I don't want people to start talking to me (mostly because I hate people and now I can't talk to save my life). I'm glad people were supportive about everything but I don't think anybody really gets what you're going through unless they've been there before and even then, people react to things differently so they still don't know how you're coping or anything.

After that, I got home and I was honestly EXHAUSTED from walking around for thirty minutes at school trying to say hello to teachers and stuff. It's not fun, let's be honest. :P I was dizzy and tired after that and I was surprised and I'm kind of even more scared to come back on Monday. People, especially in high school (more specifically my own) try really hard to feel sympathetic for others but sometimes, to me, it seems like what they're saying comes out wrong and it means nothing or it doesn't help me at all. They want to talk but honest to god, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE! Gah! It's frustrating. I just want to sit and people watch all day and laugh silently in my own mind and just enjoy what I can for right now.

So yeah. That's my update for today. Nothing exciting today and I'm not sure I'm really up for a quote for the day, so yeah. 

Hope all of you are good!