Updates

I thought I'd do a check-up on everything with you all as I'm now a little past three weeks post-operation. 

Pain: 1/10 if not 2/10 on some occasions.
Swelling: I'd say at least 50% gone.
Numbness: I still can't feel the majority of my face but I know some of my sensations are coming back. I can feel below left eye, which I couldn't before. I can also feel whenever I'm touching my face. My right side is still the most numb and so is my upper lip. Or rather, the area right above it. My nose is still numb but not 100% numb. I don't think anything is 100% numb, but it's still not 50% gone.
Diet: I've eaten anything from blended up hamburger, beef stroganoff (my mom makes it with rice and she really crushed the meat up), blended up chicken salad, pancakes, french toast, scrambled eggs, the usual mashed potatoes (probably my go-to dish), yogurt, shakes, applesauce, brownies (in little bites), and all sorts of pasta (spaghetti, alfredo, and macaroni & cheese [given, I cut them up or smashed them up and they were a little overcooked]). I think what a lot of people, they don't want to eat their old food blended up because of the texture. I've come to say, it all goes to the same place and I want my nutrition. If I have to suffer through weird stuff then I'll deal with it.
Weight: I've lost about 12 pounds!
My smile: I think it's really awkward because when I smile, thinks are really tight and confusing. Luckily, everything lined up with my teeth so now I'm just waiting to be able to truly smile.
Bleeding/Breathing: So my doctor said I shouldn't be blowing my nose . . . but I should be using my netty pot. But let's be honest, I don't use that sucker at all because it sucks. So what I've done is taken people's advice and used q-tips and my saline spray. I've been able to breathe a little better and the bleeding is no longer there like it was all of last week. So whoopee for that!
My speech: I'm able to say things a lot clearer, according to my family. I think I'm having more issues with the mucus that's stuck in my throat to be able to talk than I am with my splint. My mom finally noticed that the doctors had put in stuff over my top teeth. Why? I have no idea. I guess it helps keep them in place?

I think that's about it! (: I think it's nuts to think that the next time I'll be seeing my doctor, I'll be a day past five weeks post-op! Wow, time does sure go by. Fingers crossed, things will continue to progress!

A Sleepover and Some Normalcy

So I went to that sleepover at like 7-ish ad I ended up being the first one there and I'll be honest, I didn't have the most fun ever. Only three girls showed up and not only did I not get to eat what everyone else was eating, but I honestly just didn't like one of the girls. I knew her from other parts of youth group and I always thought she talked too much. She bragged about how many guys have liked her and how she's a 'floater' and has dated jocks and stoners and nerds and preppy guys. She also managed to lie her way through which movies she's seen and which she has saying 'Oh, I've seen this movie' but then says, 'I bet something bad is going to happen!' Uggh. -_- NOOOO! I hate people like that. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. She reminds me of one of these people I used to be friends with back in freshmen year and honestly, I wanted to rip my hair out sometimes. She's the kind of person who asks you about something and then after you get about a sentence in, she starts off on a tangent about herself. 

On the bright side, I managed to paint my nails and the other girl was really nice. However, she was on her phone most of the time. I'm not sure how much I love it when people do that. Sure, it's fine if that's what you like to do and stuff but why must you use your phone when you're supposed to be social with people who are right in front of you? Please, riddle me this. Because I can't seem to fathom as to why my generation is so obsessed with their phone. Honestly? I turn my phone off at night usually and during school, and on top of that, if I'm downstairs in my house, my phone is upstairs lost in my room, somewhere buried in my covers of my bed. What's so special about our smart phones? If someone has the answer, a legitimate answer, someone should tell me. 

Anyway, the sleepover was fine. It was okay, not a lot of fun. Also, I managed to get a hold of a friend and one thing I love about him is that he teases me and makes fun of me as much as he can and that's just how we are. We're completely opposite of each other and somehow, we managed to get along. He hasn't talked to me in a while but now that he has, he treats me like he normally does and doesn't ask me any questions about the surgery and stuff because he knows I'm okay. And that my friends, is what I wish people would do. 

Doctor Say What?! (And a Little Outing . . . ?)

Hey all! 

So today was okay. Not uber exciting. I missed the first two classes and the beginning of the third hour for my doctor's appointment and it turns out you can still see bone in my gums which is absolutely gross. The resident surgeon was . . . not nice (just sorta kidding) and said that I might need ANOTHER bone graft or like a skin graft. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry . . . okay not really. Just sob for like a second. I already knew that I was going to have at least one more surgery but to think that I might have to have two makes me kind of sad. They also didn't fix the wire poking me in the back and said that I'd have to use wax. The issue with that though is the wax won't stick! So I give up. And they also took bone out of me. That sounds weird. It was like a small sliver but they saw some chipped bone in my gums and took it out. **shutters**. They said my gums are looking clean still and guess what? NO BANDS FOR ME!!!!!! WOOOOOOO! I was so happy to hear that. Apparently, my jaw has aligned to where it's supposed to so I might not have to get bands on after all! (: And what else? Um . . . I don't have to see them weekly anymore. I think I'm happy and sad about that. I have to see them in two weeks and fingers crossed, I'll get my splint out by then. It's nuts to think I'm three weeks in and I'm doing okay physically. It's weird that they always ask me how I'm doing. I don't really know how I'm supposed to be feeling to be honest. I feel like they want me to say something emotionally or something and just say I'm happy all the time but then I'd be lying. They ask silly questions . . . 

Second of all, I'm going to a sleepover with my youth group girls. I'm really, really nervous about it as it won't be . . . my bed. And I'm still recovering. And it's sad to think that I won't be able to eat what the rest of them are eating so I'm eating before I go and hoping that I'll be able to just ignore everyone else and try and be happy with where I am in my results and my recovery. I'm also nervous about sleeping on the floor . . . so my dad is bringing me a special pillow that supports your head and I'm bringing my really amazing pillow that keeps my head elevated and such and also is one of those pillow you can use to lean against on your back and stuff so I should be comfortable with that. I also have to bring my yucky mouthwash with me and my medicine and stuff. I feel like I'm high-maintenance and I don't like it. You know, like I'm over-doing things. I feel like I shouldn't feel like that though, only because the last thing I want is an infection or have to deal with pain or anything. So yes, I'm bringing everything I need to be comfortable!

I'll definitely be updating tomorrow about how that went out and I'll have to see what happens and how comfortable I feel around people I don't all that well. 

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend and had a wonderful week! (:

Jaw Surgery is a Battlefield

I couldn't think of a better title . . . sue me! 

So I thought I'd give a quick update for today and just overall things. So high-ho let's go:

I managed to find an assignment that was a 'zero' in the grade book for a class which should bring my B back to an A so woohoo for that. Stress level has gone down like .5. I talked to my English teacher about my surgery and I was really happy to get some stuff off my chest with a real person and not, let's say . . . my laptop screen. I've never really felt 'close' to her at all, as there are some teachers that I prefer (not really this year) but I guess today it changed. She asked me about the surgery and she told me she knew somebody who was born with cleft lip & palate like me and I didn't feel so alone in the world. Like me, her friend had about 3 surgeries just as a baby and probably six total throughout my age and like that, I felt a lot better. It was comforting to think that even though I feel alone here, compared to the rest of the world, I'm not alone. I keep thinking that if I think, 'Oh, it could be worse' it'll make me feel better but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when I managed to get some social conversation from the few nice people I know here in Colorado. Anyway, she was really sweet and stuff about everything and I'm glad she was nice enough to ask me about it in more of a personal way and not in a rude, cold, 'pity' kind of way. (:

Band is boring for me and I miss playing my clarinet and just getting lost in music that I'm producing myself. I don't have much time to play guitar these days, as I miss my free time. I had gotten a new guitar a month ago for my birthday and it hasn't been played enough, in my opinion. :P Choir has been okay. I feel self-conscience about singing still but it's nice to slowly regain normalcy and I have one or two people who I feel like brighten my day more. Other people . . . hmm, how do I say this nicely? They like to put attention on themselves instead. So. Yeah. I'm going to leave that as is . . . 

Uhhh math is stressing me out. I hate my classmates in that class, but I guess that's something I'm going to have to deal with. I also am way behind in that class still (kind of) and math is never an easy to class to catch up in. Pre-Calc is great, it's just . . .not easy all the time.

World History is stupid to me. I hate it right now . . . only because the teacher is just . . . hmmm. I don't know. He was the ultimate push over the cliff for me. I've always been someone who likes to see people earn their respect from me instead of just getting it because they were older than me or better than me or smarter than me . . .you know what I mean. Anyway, I don't want pity but I do want understanding. A lot of teachers seem to have this picture in their mind that their class is the ONLY class I'm behind in. They are not only wrong but they are absolutely insulting when they say things like this. Especially coming from a girl who does care about her grades and somebody who not only doesn't have a lunch hour, but somebody who chooses to not have a lunch hour and not complain about it. I don't have an off-hour like 99% of the people in my school so this to all of you stupid teachers: "I'm sorry I don't have your class at the TOP of my priorities right now. I'll get to your class when I get to it and if you have a problem with that, then maybe you should learn to get some patience and understanding. I'm trying my hardest and I no longer have the patience to deal with people any more so pushing me isn't helping anybody."

As in school in general, I would say I don't really like being there anymore. I feel like it's all the same people and the same drama and the same stuff every day. I don't really feel inspired to learn anything new this year and I'm more excited about my classes for next year. I've noticed that I love it a lot when people treat me like a normal gal. I've always been someone who has known a lot of people but never been 'close' to them so when people say hi to me in the hallways like usual or make small-talk with me, I see a little bit of light in my brain and I love it. I also noticed that I get really self-conscience around certain people nowadays. I might make it a rule for myself and not talk around certain people and not smile around most people. Heh. I also notice that I look at people differently these days. I find myself staring at their teeth instead of their eyes, like I usually do which is beyond weird for me. It makes me seem like a creep . . . but I guess I'm just curious about how they sound so normal and stuff but when I did talk before the surgery I was nasally and had a bigger lisp. It's intriguing I guess. I'm anxious for marching band actually . . . which is another chapter of my life I'll be getting into towards late May or even when I can play the clarinet again. :P

I talked to one of my brothers after to school and I felt a little better as well. I love being around some of my family sometimes because I know they don't really give a crap about what I look like, they just care that I'm feeling better and I'm feeling myself. Anyway, talking to my brother made me think about how I miss being able to have someone outside my family understand me so well that they just get it. Which is why I had ended up going to Youth Group at my church. Unfortunately because it's newer, the people who go there don't go there on a regular basis so it's hard to keep friends that you think you make. However, I like all the leaders there as they visited me in the hospital and they're so supportive, so that's nice. 

Overall, today was okay. It wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I'm slowly learning to deal with things, one day, sometimes one minute at a time. I've learned that some people don't exactly always know that I just had jaw surgery and I need to learn to have some patience. I've relearned that music is and always be my first, true love and best friend. Speaking of which: confession time. As a self-obsessed teenager (only joking . . . kinda) in bed and around the house for the first week of recovery, I managed to discover One Direction. I'm ashamed to say this, but their videos actually made me feel a lot happier because everything they did was so light-hearted and their music is so happy and upbeat. It just goes to show me that music always can brighten up my mood when I need it. So yeah. Even though before, I never thought twice to think to listen to One Direction, I got into it and now thanks to their music, I'm definitely a little more optimistic than I probably would have been if I didn't listen to their music.

As for an actual update on me, physically:
-I got a few dizzy spells tonight where the room feels like it's spinning and I have to close my eyes for a minute until it goes away.
-My upper teeth feel like they hurt sometimes when I talk, maybe it's my nerves being reawakened? 
-My smile is still a little wonky. I've decided that I shouldn't judge my smile until the numbness in my face is at least 70-80% gone. Everything feels tight when I smile
-My canker sore is a big, fat, pain the butt.
-It hurts to yawn.
-My nose is still runny and I hate it during school.
-I happen to still drool sometimes, even when I'm thinking about it. I did it at school and it was really embarrassing. ):
-I could have said this earlier, but I noticed that on the left side of my face I could see the outline of my cheekbones--I couldn't do that before. Now, I can see a SMALL line on the right side of my face so that means the swelling on that side is slowly decreasing.
-I still have a slight cough.
-The pain is still minimal! Yay for that.

I think that wasn't really a quick update, but that's okay! I must go now, as I have to wake up early-ish and head downtown for another doctor's visit in the morning!

Hitting a Brick Wall

So today, I kind of, sort of managed to have a mental breakdown on the way from school and I thought I could vent here so I'm venting. If you don't like it when I vent then please feel free to skip this post. :P

I don't know what brought it on. Maybe it's my newly found canker sore I have in my lower left gums. Maybe it's the food I can't eat. Maybe it's how self-conscience I am of myself and my surroundings. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's the mere fact that I feel like teachers are PUSHING me to be caught up already and be able to do everything I used to. Maybe it's the poking wire I have in my cheek. Maybe it's the fact I lack friends here. Or maybe, just maybe, it's all of the above.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions these days and I really just want to breakdown into tears. Unfortunately, I know deep down, that all of these people are expecting me to be okay with this and be okay with the pain and the numbness and the food and everything else but you know what? I'm really not. I mean, yes, there are days when I'm just chipper and happy and dandy but then there are days like today when I feel like someone's hit me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. 

I'm so behind on school it's not even funny and it's not normal for me. I'm unbelievably scared right now that I have like three B's. I'm so scared about the ACT that I have coming up next Tuesday. I'm scared that I'm not going to do well and I'm going to end up not getting into a good college. Hell, I don't even know what college I really want to go to and it's bothering me. I'm scared that I'm not going to do well the end of this semester and it's the most important freaking semester of my high school career and I don't know what to do. I'm not okay with being behind in school but I also am not okay with forcing my body to do things it doesn't want to. I'm constantly irritable these days and annoyed and tired and frustrated and it's unbelievably well . . . all of those things. I don't like it when I'm this negative. Yes, I'm a cynic at times but not like this. I feel completely stressed out and I don't ever know what to do. 

I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to like I used to and that hurts even more. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I have to sit in silence and deal with my own thoughts and that's the last thing I want to do, especially when all my thoughts are negative these days. I mean, I freaking cracked my phone yesterday. I have a canker sore in my mouth (which I haven't had in about a year), I have a cough, and I constantly feel like I need to get stuff out of my nose to the point where I'm paranoid about it at school. I hate it. I don't ever feel comfortable smiling anymore and I just . . . don't know what to do with myself. 

I know that somewhere in the corners of my brain, there's a bit of light shining through wanting me to be optimistic about the whole thing but  I can't seem to do that today. I constantly am alert of everything around and I'm constantly stressed out. I hate it. I hate it so much.

. . . . .

Anyway . . . I think I'll change the topic now since I think I've managed to hit all the emotions I'm feeling right now. An update:
-The swelling in my face has gone down a bit. It's still mostly on the left side and my lips. 
-My numbness is kind of going away but honestly, today feels like every day before. I mean, it's not like the first week but it's definitely not like I can feel anything 100%.
-I have a stupid canker sore in my mouth and it hurts.
-I'm getting tired of having my mom ask me what I want to eat from somewhere to which I reply with, "I can't eat most things there, Mom." When really, I want to reply with, "Stop asking me what I want from a place I can't eat from. Just come home and I'll make myself another bowl of mashed potatoes or eat another bowl of macaroni cheese or another cup of yogurt." 
-My nose is constantly running. I. Hate. It. 
-My right nostril sometimes have blood in my 'snot' (sorry for the info there) and it's annoying. I have no idea how to get my nose clean.
-I've lost ten pounds. Which is nuts to me.
-I'm tired most of the time.
-The dizziness has gone down a bit but I still get it occasionally.
-I have a stupid cough.
-I can open my mouth pretty far now without it hurting on the left side anymore.
-I can hear a difference in my voice. It's not nasally anymore . . . I love that. I hate that I can't talk normally though.

So yeah. That's about it. 

Sorry about the rant and I hope all of you are doing better than me. :P Eh. Sue me. I'm in a 'pity me' mood. 

Quotes of the day:

"So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight but I'm just surviving. And I may be weak but I'm never defeated and I'll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. And most days I try my best to put on a brave face but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks, but all the while . . . something's keeping me safe and alive." ~Sweet Silver Lining, Kate Voegele 

"I'd rather make sandcastles instead of these wide world decisions. I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me. And I don't have a plan at all, but I got this six-string religion and I do, I do believe a song can heal me . . . it's enough for me." ~Sandcastles, Kate Voegele

A Lesson Well Learned

So . . . as of late, I have been blowing my nose. Nuh-uh. No way. I'm stupid. Bad idea. NOOOOO! 

It's not that it has done anything to me as of late, but I've noticed lately, after my slight 'cold' my nose has been uber . . . stuffy to the point where I can't breathe at all through my nose, which I guess I'm used to since before this surgery, I've typically been a mouth breather. Unfortunately, I learned it the hard way. I loved that I could breathe through my nose for the first week and I did avoid blowing my nose for a while but then I started blowing my nose and I've noticed that some old blood is coming back up and I can't afford that. I read online as well that apparently, you're not supposed to blow your nose. Newsflash. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! AAHHHH! My doctor said nothing to me about blowing my nose and now, guess what? I have to find a polite way to get out all of the blood clots that are in my nose!!!!! WHY?!!?!?!?!?!? 

The only issue that I have with my nose being clogged is that it makes talking a lot harder for me as I can't really sound things because everything sounds nasally and not to mention, I still sound weird when I talk due to my lovely splint. It frustrates me and not only that, but since I'm 'attempting' to sing in choir . . . having a stuffy nose while you sing makes you sound like a dying walrus or something. Or a pig. I don't know. It sounds bad, okay? 

I have officially learned not to blow my nose and shall not for the next . . . I don't know. Does anybody else know how long you're not allowed to blow your nose? Maybe I should ask my doctor on Friday . . . when I see him. Yeah, I'll do that.

Putting Things Into Perspective

This blog post isn't going to be about my surgery necessarily, so if you'd rather skip it, please feel to do so. If not, well, this is about a sad, tragic thing that I just heard about.

I recently just heard about the bombing that happened in Boston and my heart breaks for those who lost someone in those bombings. My heart breaks for the person/people who was the cause of this as it's a horrible thing that this much hatred could be filled in a person or a group of people. I don't know if anybody can really explain why someone can be like this but really, I don't know if anything to me, is a good enough reason to injure or hurt or kill someone who was completely innocent. 

To me, this really put things into perspective. I know now, after hearing countless attacks of innocent people and experiencing it myself, that I will forever be thankful for what I have. I know that I need to keep my mind open and know that even if something bad happens to me, then I need to be able to think about things and think about things. I know that I love my family and my friends and I'm forever thankful for what God has bestowed upon me and my family. I'm beyond thankful for the love, hope, and faith that he's given us. I'm so thankful that I have what I have and although there are things in my life that always don't go great, I know that things could be so much worse for me. 

I really want to say that it's absolutely a blessing to be where I am today, alive and well. I'm thankful for my parents who adopted me and gave me a roof over my head and loved me even though I looked absolutely homely from my condition I was born with. I'm thankful for those who are so kindhearted and gracious and so generous, as I am envious of people like you.

This surgery has definitely been an eye-opening to me as I've seen my strength and weaknesses being challenged but I have absolutely no right to complain about things right now. I had been talking to my mom last night about people not being able to fix their own cleft lip and palate because they don't have the money and the resources to be able to get the surgery they need and it gets to the point where they are my age and they can't really eat because they have that hole in their lip and their palate.

With all that said, I just want to shout to the world about how thankful I am and how sorry I am to hear about what happened in Boston. I had gone through a school shooting from where I am and that had really made me think about things too but it's always sad to see myself only be thankful for things in times of tragedy. So I'm hoping that this time, for my own sake, and I can constantly remind myself about all the things I'm fortunate with and mostly, the loved one I have surrounding me. 

Once again, my thoughts and prayers are with those who have lost someone or is hurt in Boston. 

Quotes:

" . . . But I know Jesus and I talk to God and I remember this from when I was young--faith, hope, and love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest thing is love."

“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.”