My Life Through Music and Quotes

I thought I'd put up a few songs and quotes to show how I am feeling, how I have felt, and just songs that I love and quotes that I love in one single post. I might annotate them to my liking and I might add comments and I may just leave them as they are.

Music has always been a major part of my life and quite frankly, it's my best friend. I'd feel 

As I said in my last post, this is me reflecting and letting others read it. Maybe my random reflection can help others, which I doubt. This is also going to be another long post. Anyway, let's get on with the music/quotes:

"And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all 
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry 
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and 
We can't go back
I'm sorry 
I can't be perfect" ~Perfect, Simple Plan

This song has really been one of my go-to songs for whenever I feel like people (mostly my family) have put so much expectations into me and my life and I really just want to throw them all away. My dad, who is one hell of a wise guy, has always told me that by defining someone by anything can limit them and I guess, as I'm growing older, I can finally understand what he means. People expect me to always be this happy, smart girl and when I fall short of that . . . it's not okay. In reality, what's not okay is people judging others. I really wish I knew why we do that to each other when we all hate it when others do it ourselves. I hate that all human-beings, myself included, are very hypocritical.

"She's beautiful, in her simple little way. She don't have too much to say when she get's mad. She understands. She don't let go of anything, even when the pain gets really bad. I guess I should have been more like that. You had it all for a pretty little while. Somehow you made me smile when I was sad. You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart and then you realized what you wanted what you had. I guess I should have been more like that. I should have held on to my pride. I should have never let you lie. I guess you got what you deserve. I guess I should have been more like her." ~More Like Her, Miranda Lambert

I think most of us feel like this. I mean, this is about a girl, but clearly, it can relate to anybody. Have you ever felt yourself comparing yourself to someone who seemed more worthy? Better even? Yeah, me too.

"Remember when I cried to you a thousand times? I told you everything, you know my feelings. It never crossed my mind that there would be a time for us to say goodbye, what a big surprise. But I'm not lost, I'm not gone. I haven't forgot . . ."~Remember When, Avril Lavigne

I'm not really going to say much for that one.

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, she felt it every day. I couldn't help her, I just watch her make the same mistakes again. What's wrong, what's wrong now? Too many, too many problems. Don't know where she belongs . . . She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside. With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes, broken inside."~Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong,
And no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud,
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don't know what it's like,
To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life.

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies,
While deep inside you're bleeding?

No you don't know what it's like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don't know what it's like,
To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life.

No one ever lied straight to your face,
And no one ever stabbed you in the back,
You might think I'm happy,
But I'm not gonna be okay,
Everybody always gave you what you wanted,
You never had to work it was always there,
You don't know what it's like,
What it's like...

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,

Welcome to my life . . ."

~Welcome to my Life, Simple Plan

That song, just as a whole was my anthem growing up because I felt so alone and I don't think that's changed much. I stand at Youth Group tonight and here I am feeling like an outcast and I've honestly not sure who to talk to and this is what I'm doing now. I'm going to blog the crap out of how I feel through music and this song is definitely been there when I wanted to cry and cry and cry.

"She loves her mama's lemonade, hates the sound that goodbyes make. She prays one day, she'll find someone to need her. She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliment, it's all the same if everybody leaves her. And every magazine tells her she's not good enough, the pictures that she sees make her cry. She would change everything, everything just ask her. Caught in  the in-between a beautiful disaster. She just needs someone to take her home." ~Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin

This song in itself is just so true for a lot of girls these days I think. And it kind of reminds me of this ridiculous surgery. I stare at the mirror and I stare at picture of girls on Facebook or in magazines or in the tabloids and I know that people wanted me to go through all this pain to make me look a little better which honestly killed me inside . . . and as I think about it, it still kind of does. Anyway, that's all I'm going to touch base-on for that song.

"Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty, is the face mirror looking back at you. You walk around here thinking you're not pretty, but that's not true 'cuz I know you. Hold on baby you're loosing it. The water's high and you're jumping into it and letting go and no one knows . . . that you cry but you don't tell anyone, that you might not be the golden. And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone. I guess it's true that love is all you ever wanted 'cause you're giving it away like it's extra change. Hoping it will end up in his pocket but he leaves you out like a penny in the rain. . . "~Tied Together With A Smile, Taylor Swift

Another song that was may anthem during my ages of middle school. It just spoke to me because I could relate to it. It said words I was too afraid to say and it appealed to me, just for that very reason. I knew at that moment, at that low part in my life, I couldn't hold on to my facade. 

"I could be mean. I could be angry. You know I could be just like you. I could be fake. I could be stupid. You know I could be just like you. You thought you were standing beside me. You were only in my way. You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you. You thought you were their to guide me. You were only in my way. You're wrong if you that I'll be just like you. I could be cold. I could be ruthless, you know I could be just like you. I could be weak. I could be senseless. You know I could be just like you." ~Just Like You, Three Days Grace

This is a song I listen to when I'm angry with people who are expecting me to be just like them. 

"I thought that I could count on you. I thought that nothing could come between us two. We said as long as we would stick together--we'd be alright, we'd be okay, but I was stupid and you broke me down. I'll never be the same again. So . . . THANK YOU for showing me that best friends cannot be trusted. And THANK YOU for lying to me--the friendship, the good times we had--you can have 'em back." ~Thank You, Simple Plan

Gosh. I listen to this song when I think about some horrible friendships I feel that I've had. It's not that I'm spiteful or anything but goodness gracious,I get angry at myself for letting people treat me like that. It's not okay. Ever. 

And yeah . . . I'm going to end that there because this post is already really long. Whew. Hahaha. I got some good emotions out on that post. (: I feel a little better now.

Music . . . man, I'd be dead without it.

Seven Weeks Post-Operation Update

It's crazy that it's been over a month and a half since my surgery and so far, things are going well! I feel pretty much back to normal physically and I'm just really reflective about the whole thing. Actually, I had a school/English assignment for this essay thing-a-majig called "This I Believe" and I was able to really reflect on that!

I've decided that I'm going to put that up once I've put it in and everything's all said and done . . . but anyway, I am going to give you guys a real update on me, myself and I:

Pain: 3/10 I just got rubberbands put on, during my check up, last Thursday, the 16th of May and my teeth are now kind of/sort of in pain . . . which is a big pain.
Numbness: As I said before, it's like 90% gone. It's just more in my upper lip and my gums, but still, I can feel my face and know that I'm touching my lips. My smile is still a tad bit tight.
Emotional Status: I'm pretty good right now, actually. It's kind of a nice feeling to just feel content wit anything. Nothing that's extremely happy and nothing that seems like I'm dragging myself. Actually, last Friday was my school's seniors last day and that was kind of depressing to see all my friends leave. They'll be graduating on Thursday and it's nuts to think I won't be seeing them again after that. Lots of crying on Thursday and Friday, hahaha.
Swelling: I'm not sure, still. I know it's still there, but I don't know how much is gone since I'm slowly, but surely getting used to what I look like now.
Congestion: It's usually in my right nostril and quite frankly, it's really, really frustrating. It's like there's swelling in the very back of my sinus area and I can't breath AT all through nostril and that is my better one. I've decided to just take nasal congestion pills and see how those help.
Bleeding: Still gone from what I can see.
Dizziness: I believe it's still gone!
My speech: Still the same as last week, but it's nasally lately because of clogged my nose hsa been.
My smile: Uhhh . . . I don't know. We'll put up a picture. Hahaha.

Other than that, nothing is really new. I'm out of school after next Wednesday which is really nice but because it's a week before finals, I'm pretty much cramming everything. It's a tad bit stressful but I'm managing.

I think I'll start updating a lot more during the summer and keep all of you posted as well. Also, I have a orthodontist appointment on June 6th and I don't see my surgeon again for another month which is a little weird. It went from every week to every other week to a month! NUTS! So yeah, I'll have to update all of you on what happens then. Anyway, time for a quick pic . . .

As you can see, my hair looks a little nuts because it was up all day and I apologize for the bright light in the background. It's almost 8 here. And as you can see, you can see my doggy! And now, I feel the need to take a picture of that! 

Okay, enough of random pictures . . . hahaha. I guess you can kind of get an idea of how random I am. 

So yeah! That's what I look like now, which I think is a huge improvement from week four. It's crazy, actually.

Anyway, that's my little update! I'm actually planning on doing a fun blog once I have time, so look out for that!

Reflection and An Update (late . . . heh)

I wrote this a week ago and never posted it because I didn't finish it. Sorry! This is my six week post-operation reflection and update.

I've found out that I'm avoiding this blog for reasons I don't think I can quite understand. I look back at this surgery and the rest of my life and it's definitely been a long and short 17 years. 

I think I've been avoiding it all because I really don't want to reflect by myself because it makes me feel even more alone and more annoyed and sad and just really complacent. Which I guess isn't really a good thing either, but I've decided that I better do this at least weekly or else I'm going to have another breakdown sooner, rather than later. 

So first up is my update . . . 
Pain: Virtually a 0/10 or a 1/10. It kind of depends. I have wires poking me everywhere.
Numbness: It is officially only in my upper lip, my gums (duh), and some areas in the roof of my mouth. I really don't know where to be honest.
Emotional Status (I've decided this is important, so I'm adding it! :P): I'm currently stressed, avoiding things, and kind of paranoid. I don't know. It's a mixture of emotions. Mostly avoiding things.
Dizziness: It's gone! YES!
Swelling: Ummm . . . Yeah I don't even know. My mom still thinks I'm more numb on the right side of my face. 
Congestion: Most of the time, it's annoying as heck. I can't even breathe usually through my nose anymore. I had gotten so used to the new feeling of being able to breathe through my nose that it's annoying when I can't. Right now, it's clear. I put some decongestant spray so that helped a lot.
Bleeding: Gone! I haven't seen any blood at all!
My speech: Is less nasally which is really nice. I'm still getting used to talking.
My smile: is really confused. Honestly, I don't even know how to smile anymore. It's sad, really. 
It's not as wonky as it once was and it's slowly coming together which is making me happy.
Pictures:
(I decided to make my own little collage and I put my photo-editing skills to work!)

So as you can see from the photo, these are from today, six weeks post-operation. 

*******************

So now, I thought I'd do a bit of reflecting during this six week post-op blog post. About what I've learned and about what I've experienced during this long journey and just throughout my life.

I think I've finally fully understood what it meant to be independent and why I think I've clung so close to being that way. I feel like in today's world, we look at everything and we look at happiness as something is something you 'achieve' and once you achieve it, it doesn't go away which is so, unbelievably wrong. 

I think I've grown so much stronger and so much more independent through this experience. I've shed a lot of tears this year, both for this surgery and just from having to say goodbye to so many people that I love and I've learned that how one acts during a struggle defines that person's character and I refuse to be one of those people who sits there and let's life pass them  by because I'm too busy waiting to be 'okay' with something. I refuse to sit there and wait until I'm ready, because odds are, I won't be ready at the end of the day.

I finally have learned that pain is nothing but a mental thing and I've learned that instead of complaining and whining about my circumstance, I can just face it head-on and hope for the best. I can reflect and I can learn on what I've experienced instead of acting selfish in this type of circumstance.

To end this post, I will use one of my favorite quotes recently, that I heard on one of my FAVORITE shows, One Tree Hill.

"People get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We're always thinking that someday we'll be happy, you know when we get a car or a job, or that person who will fix everything. But happiness is a condition, not a destination. It's like being tired or hungry. It comes and goes, and that's okay. And if people thought of it that way, they would find happiness a lot more often."

Splint is Gone!

Sorry I haven't updated my blog in a while. I think I needed to just reflect on my own to just get a little bit stronger and I think that helped a bit. 

Anyway, today I had a doctor's appointment, or a follow-up appointment and they took off my SPLINT WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! It feels so good to feel the roof of my mouth again, as well as my upper teeth. It's almost a relief actually.

It's weird, actually. The roof of my mouth feels a LOT wider and actually, when I want to talk, I'm not entirely sure as to where I'm supposed to put my tongue, which is a weird feeling as well. My teeth can actually fit together and I'm not really sure how it's 'supposed' to feel. My doctors and my parents continuously ask me if it feels good but quite frankly, I don't know what that means. I don't know what 'good' is. I know what normal for me is and that's my old bite. My teeth hitting together because I'm not used to the placement in my new teeth.

Anyway, I was really happy to hear that I could get my splint out and I can talk semi normal now. Unfortunately, they also put in a bridge in between where the gap is actually still kind of there to help move my teeth a little bit and keep them in place for some support. I'm still on a soft diet with really, really careful chewing. They want to wait until my bone graft is healed and apparently, there's still parts of my teeth that still move in my upper teeth. 

I thought I'd put a picture up, to show what my new teeth look like without the stupid splint around my teeth. It definitely feels really, really, really weird but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I'm just really happy it's out of my mouth.

Slowly, but surely, my smile is regaining normalcy. Hahahaha.

Loneliness

This blog has never been for anybody else, but me so I thought I'd let out some more feelings that I'm feeling right now. This isn't necessarily for anybody to read, so please, feel free to skip it. Plus, it's going to be hella long.

*****

This surgery has definitely taken it's own hits on me and from what I've read, a few others online when it comes to emotional and physical pain. And I mean pain. It almost feels like it amplifies everything that was wrong in your life, if you let it and I've gotten to the point where I've let it. 

I know deep down, somewhere in the black corners of my mind, I'm not really alone. I know that. But when you physically are alone in high school and going through this sort of recovery, you feel everything and I certainly mean everything.

I've mentioned this before, but my friend recently moved a few . . . hm, thousands of miles away from me about a month ago. I shouldn't have said friend. I should just say best friend but let's be honest, staying in touch with people long distance is hard. Staying in touch with anybody can be hard if both people put effort in, yes? Well, lately I've never felt so alone in my life and that my be the fact that I've failed to make more than one real friend in high school or maybe it's because I've always really been lonely and I've just been in denial the whole time. 

I've never been that social and when I look back at my old friends I almost want to laugh at myself haughtily for even thinking that I belonged with them or that I could call them friends. The first one, I had been friends with from kindergarten to about fourth grade until she moved. She walked all over me and she never really got me. She was my first 'friend', if I can call her that. The next two, I met in 2nd grade and was friends with both of them until . . . hm, maybe my freshmen year of high school. One of them had got lost in the drug and smoking scene and the other was an utter b**** to me. She, like the first, managed to walk all over me as well and created the illusion that she cared for me. In reality, I personally believe that she was and still is one of the most self-centered person I've met in my life. And finally the last, who . . . I'm not really sure about. 

I think it's absolutely incredible how cynical I and the rest of the world can be and yet we really do rely on each other. We all feel like there's somebody that we're destined to be with when we all start out as young children. Or at least, younger than an adult. We, I didn't start out as a cynical person. I had the up-most hope for most people and expected the best of everyone. I hoped everyone would be happy and everything was just great. Then I grew up and I saw a few things and I experienced a few things and found how cruel life is. I feel so fortunate all that I have, of course, but I guess right now, I don't know what else to do except talk a bit how I'm feeling. 

My whole life, I've always been decent at talking to people. I've never been very good at getting close to them and I've always been a shy person. In high school, I kind of started to get out of my shell and managed to talk to new people in high school but honestly, I still felt kind of distant from people and I definitely feel even more distant now. When I have absolutely nobody to talk to physically about how I feel then I just shut down. I give up trying to fit in. I find it ironic that society says if you're feeling lonely or sad or suicidal or whatever then you need to talk about it, but here, it's almost like if you open your mouth about being sad then you're not right. It's wrong to feel sad and not only are you whining, but you just want attention. 

Anyway, this surgery has certainly amplified it. When I feel the need to talk, I don't want to and I get really frustrated when I can't even vocally say what I want to because nobody can freaking understand me. When I feel the need to have somebody truly listen to me, I don't think anybody will quite get it or care that I'm feeling this way. It's a hard feeling to describe but I'm pretty sure everyone's been there. 

The recovery for this surgery is a long one and quite frankly, I feel discluded from everything I do. When I feel ashamed to smile, I know that something isn't right. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I am my worst critic but I don't think I've ever felt this 'low' in my life. I mean, there were times in middle school when I felt pretty bad, but I honestly wasn't thinking logically. I feel as if I've grown a lot in the past three years of my life and I've really learned about myself and my flaws and my strengths and I know that when I no longer feel like I want to try to fit in is when I really just have given up. 

I was hoping that I could survive a year and a half of high school by myself and quite frankly, I can't. Or at least, not easily. This year has absolutely drowned me in stress and homework and just really hard things to deal with. I was a mess when my friend moved and now that I'm lying here, writing this, it's like somewhere, I'm saying goodbye to a part of my life again. I'm feeling nostalgic and just utterly depressed these days and I don't want to. I really wish I could live in the moment and just fully appreciate what I have and just deal with the pain and the loneliness or whatever this is but I really don't feel like I can hold it in much longer and that's why I'm writing this.

On the other hand . . . 

I know in my heart that I'm not truly alone and that gives me a little bit of hope. I know that people with this surgery have felt this same way and when people needed them, people reached out and that is what truly gives me the hope that I have right now. And as I sit here, being the cheesy person that I am, I will continuously read LoveGiveMeHope stories and hopefully watch some One Tree Hill will get me through this. I look back at what happened to me last year with the same friend that moved and I had also been so very frustrated because she was here but not here. I felt lonely then too. And I can't quite decide which is worse. Feeling lonely while being surrounded by people or feeling lonely and actually being physically alone. 

Deep down, there's hope swimming around in my heart and in my mind and I'm looking forward to college. I'm looking forward to getting stronger. I'm looking forward to smiling again and loving it. I'm looking forward to loving life again.

For all of you who read this, I thank you, I guess. It means that someone cared enough to read it and someone just took the time to read this. For any of you who are going through this surgery and also having a rough time, I can say that I can relate in a way. I hope that you're recovery is going well and that you continue to improve little by little. I pray that you get strength and you become a better and much stronger person through this. I hope that you find someone to fall back on.

I truly believe that God, who's up there watching this, is smiling down, saying that He would never put me into a situation that I can't handle. He's making me stronger through this and I'm hoping I'll see the results of this, sooner, rather than later. (:

To close, I thought I'd end with a good quote I found:

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

I believe it really shows how people really do try at first to fit in and find their place and after a while, they give up and find an excuse as to why they live the way they do. I hope for myself that I don't ever make someone feel the way that I do and I'm really hoping that from this, I'll learn to start being a little nicer to people and doing the right things, even though I know some people think it would be stupid.

Stress

I think I've now decided I'm never going to procrastinate again in my life. My stress level has gone through the roof in the last couple of weeks with catching up on stuff and not understanding things in math. While trying to decide on a pre-calculus test, I've decided that if I don't get it, then I'm pretty much not going to try all that hard and then replace it with my final exam score and hope that I do amazing on that. 

I hate my junior year in high school and to all of you who are getting your surgery around that time, I advise you, if you don't need to do things during the summer, TAKE IT DURING THE SUMMER. Because of this stupid surgery, I've managed to be really behind on things and feel really stressed out about homework and tests in about two or three classes. I also advise you to get your homework DURING the time you're recovering and do it at home or at least attempt to do it at home. 

I don't think I've ever been this stressed out during my high school career and that is saying a lot, considering I've been stressed out a lot about things. It's a pain in the rear to have to deal with recovering and deal with the amount of stress I've put on myself from being so nervous about tests. I don't know how to time manage being able to relax and study and do homework when in reality, it seems like I don't have time at all to relax . . . and I'm afraid to say that I might just have to deal with that, even though I know for a fact that it isn't good for my body at all. I've decided that I flipping hate life school for the moment being and I wish teachers didn't load me up with so much homework.

On top of that, my lovely band director has decided that because of my inability to play the clarinet, I can no longer audition for being a section leader. This surgery is no freaking friend of mine. I think each week, it's trying to figure out a way to make me want to give up and just crawl in bed and cry the whole day. It's not so much that I'm not able to audition, it's why I can't audition. Really? REALLY?! Well, congratulation to the obvious winner who's getting section leader. I know he'll be great, I just wish that I could get a chance to audition. This season in marching band, I plan to just focus on myself and not focus on others and hopefully enjoy my senior year of high school and relax. *sigh*

I wish I could be locked in a white room and some music . . . heh.

Before and After Pictures-Four Weeks Post Op!

So wow. It's been four weeks after my surgery and it's NUTS to think that I've gotten this far without dying. Hahaha . . . so I thought it was officially time to post before and after pictures although my smile is definitely still strenuous and tense and not at all what I hope my smile would be when I have all of the feeling back in my face. 

I'm anxious to put these up but . . . I'll get through it. 

 This was a few months before surgery. I actually had make-up on and I had gotten a haircut. And I had refused to smile with all of my teeth.

A full smile before surgery! If you look close enough or whatever, you can see I have a gap in my teeth. This was for a dance . . . that's why I'm so dressed up.

 Day of surgery! Yikes! Sorry it's such a bad picture of me and I'm not wearing any make-up. I went at like 4 or 5 in the morning and my mom said that I should go in something comfy . . .

 Profile from my right side. Before.

 Profile my left side. Before.

 Today . . . and with a smile! (: It's definitely wonky and I haven't worn make up in a while. As you can see . . . my gap has suddenly disappeared! WOOHOO! After photo.

 Just a regular smile no teeth. After.

 Side profile from the left side. After.

Side profile from right side! After!