Loneliness

This blog has never been for anybody else, but me so I thought I'd let out some more feelings that I'm feeling right now. This isn't necessarily for anybody to read, so please, feel free to skip it. Plus, it's going to be hella long.

*****

This surgery has definitely taken it's own hits on me and from what I've read, a few others online when it comes to emotional and physical pain. And I mean pain. It almost feels like it amplifies everything that was wrong in your life, if you let it and I've gotten to the point where I've let it. 

I know deep down, somewhere in the black corners of my mind, I'm not really alone. I know that. But when you physically are alone in high school and going through this sort of recovery, you feel everything and I certainly mean everything.

I've mentioned this before, but my friend recently moved a few . . . hm, thousands of miles away from me about a month ago. I shouldn't have said friend. I should just say best friend but let's be honest, staying in touch with people long distance is hard. Staying in touch with anybody can be hard if both people put effort in, yes? Well, lately I've never felt so alone in my life and that my be the fact that I've failed to make more than one real friend in high school or maybe it's because I've always really been lonely and I've just been in denial the whole time. 

I've never been that social and when I look back at my old friends I almost want to laugh at myself haughtily for even thinking that I belonged with them or that I could call them friends. The first one, I had been friends with from kindergarten to about fourth grade until she moved. She walked all over me and she never really got me. She was my first 'friend', if I can call her that. The next two, I met in 2nd grade and was friends with both of them until . . . hm, maybe my freshmen year of high school. One of them had got lost in the drug and smoking scene and the other was an utter b**** to me. She, like the first, managed to walk all over me as well and created the illusion that she cared for me. In reality, I personally believe that she was and still is one of the most self-centered person I've met in my life. And finally the last, who . . . I'm not really sure about. 

I think it's absolutely incredible how cynical I and the rest of the world can be and yet we really do rely on each other. We all feel like there's somebody that we're destined to be with when we all start out as young children. Or at least, younger than an adult. We, I didn't start out as a cynical person. I had the up-most hope for most people and expected the best of everyone. I hoped everyone would be happy and everything was just great. Then I grew up and I saw a few things and I experienced a few things and found how cruel life is. I feel so fortunate all that I have, of course, but I guess right now, I don't know what else to do except talk a bit how I'm feeling. 

My whole life, I've always been decent at talking to people. I've never been very good at getting close to them and I've always been a shy person. In high school, I kind of started to get out of my shell and managed to talk to new people in high school but honestly, I still felt kind of distant from people and I definitely feel even more distant now. When I have absolutely nobody to talk to physically about how I feel then I just shut down. I give up trying to fit in. I find it ironic that society says if you're feeling lonely or sad or suicidal or whatever then you need to talk about it, but here, it's almost like if you open your mouth about being sad then you're not right. It's wrong to feel sad and not only are you whining, but you just want attention. 

Anyway, this surgery has certainly amplified it. When I feel the need to talk, I don't want to and I get really frustrated when I can't even vocally say what I want to because nobody can freaking understand me. When I feel the need to have somebody truly listen to me, I don't think anybody will quite get it or care that I'm feeling this way. It's a hard feeling to describe but I'm pretty sure everyone's been there. 

The recovery for this surgery is a long one and quite frankly, I feel discluded from everything I do. When I feel ashamed to smile, I know that something isn't right. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I am my worst critic but I don't think I've ever felt this 'low' in my life. I mean, there were times in middle school when I felt pretty bad, but I honestly wasn't thinking logically. I feel as if I've grown a lot in the past three years of my life and I've really learned about myself and my flaws and my strengths and I know that when I no longer feel like I want to try to fit in is when I really just have given up. 

I was hoping that I could survive a year and a half of high school by myself and quite frankly, I can't. Or at least, not easily. This year has absolutely drowned me in stress and homework and just really hard things to deal with. I was a mess when my friend moved and now that I'm lying here, writing this, it's like somewhere, I'm saying goodbye to a part of my life again. I'm feeling nostalgic and just utterly depressed these days and I don't want to. I really wish I could live in the moment and just fully appreciate what I have and just deal with the pain and the loneliness or whatever this is but I really don't feel like I can hold it in much longer and that's why I'm writing this.

On the other hand . . . 

I know in my heart that I'm not truly alone and that gives me a little bit of hope. I know that people with this surgery have felt this same way and when people needed them, people reached out and that is what truly gives me the hope that I have right now. And as I sit here, being the cheesy person that I am, I will continuously read LoveGiveMeHope stories and hopefully watch some One Tree Hill will get me through this. I look back at what happened to me last year with the same friend that moved and I had also been so very frustrated because she was here but not here. I felt lonely then too. And I can't quite decide which is worse. Feeling lonely while being surrounded by people or feeling lonely and actually being physically alone. 

Deep down, there's hope swimming around in my heart and in my mind and I'm looking forward to college. I'm looking forward to getting stronger. I'm looking forward to smiling again and loving it. I'm looking forward to loving life again.

For all of you who read this, I thank you, I guess. It means that someone cared enough to read it and someone just took the time to read this. For any of you who are going through this surgery and also having a rough time, I can say that I can relate in a way. I hope that you're recovery is going well and that you continue to improve little by little. I pray that you get strength and you become a better and much stronger person through this. I hope that you find someone to fall back on.

I truly believe that God, who's up there watching this, is smiling down, saying that He would never put me into a situation that I can't handle. He's making me stronger through this and I'm hoping I'll see the results of this, sooner, rather than later. (:

To close, I thought I'd end with a good quote I found:

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

I believe it really shows how people really do try at first to fit in and find their place and after a while, they give up and find an excuse as to why they live the way they do. I hope for myself that I don't ever make someone feel the way that I do and I'm really hoping that from this, I'll learn to start being a little nicer to people and doing the right things, even though I know some people think it would be stupid.

Stress

I think I've now decided I'm never going to procrastinate again in my life. My stress level has gone through the roof in the last couple of weeks with catching up on stuff and not understanding things in math. While trying to decide on a pre-calculus test, I've decided that if I don't get it, then I'm pretty much not going to try all that hard and then replace it with my final exam score and hope that I do amazing on that. 

I hate my junior year in high school and to all of you who are getting your surgery around that time, I advise you, if you don't need to do things during the summer, TAKE IT DURING THE SUMMER. Because of this stupid surgery, I've managed to be really behind on things and feel really stressed out about homework and tests in about two or three classes. I also advise you to get your homework DURING the time you're recovering and do it at home or at least attempt to do it at home. 

I don't think I've ever been this stressed out during my high school career and that is saying a lot, considering I've been stressed out a lot about things. It's a pain in the rear to have to deal with recovering and deal with the amount of stress I've put on myself from being so nervous about tests. I don't know how to time manage being able to relax and study and do homework when in reality, it seems like I don't have time at all to relax . . . and I'm afraid to say that I might just have to deal with that, even though I know for a fact that it isn't good for my body at all. I've decided that I flipping hate life school for the moment being and I wish teachers didn't load me up with so much homework.

On top of that, my lovely band director has decided that because of my inability to play the clarinet, I can no longer audition for being a section leader. This surgery is no freaking friend of mine. I think each week, it's trying to figure out a way to make me want to give up and just crawl in bed and cry the whole day. It's not so much that I'm not able to audition, it's why I can't audition. Really? REALLY?! Well, congratulation to the obvious winner who's getting section leader. I know he'll be great, I just wish that I could get a chance to audition. This season in marching band, I plan to just focus on myself and not focus on others and hopefully enjoy my senior year of high school and relax. *sigh*

I wish I could be locked in a white room and some music . . . heh.

Before and After Pictures-Four Weeks Post Op!

So wow. It's been four weeks after my surgery and it's NUTS to think that I've gotten this far without dying. Hahaha . . . so I thought it was officially time to post before and after pictures although my smile is definitely still strenuous and tense and not at all what I hope my smile would be when I have all of the feeling back in my face. 

I'm anxious to put these up but . . . I'll get through it. 

 This was a few months before surgery. I actually had make-up on and I had gotten a haircut. And I had refused to smile with all of my teeth.

A full smile before surgery! If you look close enough or whatever, you can see I have a gap in my teeth. This was for a dance . . . that's why I'm so dressed up.

 Day of surgery! Yikes! Sorry it's such a bad picture of me and I'm not wearing any make-up. I went at like 4 or 5 in the morning and my mom said that I should go in something comfy . . .

 Profile from my right side. Before.

 Profile my left side. Before.

 Today . . . and with a smile! (: It's definitely wonky and I haven't worn make up in a while. As you can see . . . my gap has suddenly disappeared! WOOHOO! After photo.

 Just a regular smile no teeth. After.

 Side profile from the left side. After.

Side profile from right side! After!

Updates

I thought I'd do a check-up on everything with you all as I'm now a little past three weeks post-operation. 

Pain: 1/10 if not 2/10 on some occasions.
Swelling: I'd say at least 50% gone.
Numbness: I still can't feel the majority of my face but I know some of my sensations are coming back. I can feel below left eye, which I couldn't before. I can also feel whenever I'm touching my face. My right side is still the most numb and so is my upper lip. Or rather, the area right above it. My nose is still numb but not 100% numb. I don't think anything is 100% numb, but it's still not 50% gone.
Diet: I've eaten anything from blended up hamburger, beef stroganoff (my mom makes it with rice and she really crushed the meat up), blended up chicken salad, pancakes, french toast, scrambled eggs, the usual mashed potatoes (probably my go-to dish), yogurt, shakes, applesauce, brownies (in little bites), and all sorts of pasta (spaghetti, alfredo, and macaroni & cheese [given, I cut them up or smashed them up and they were a little overcooked]). I think what a lot of people, they don't want to eat their old food blended up because of the texture. I've come to say, it all goes to the same place and I want my nutrition. If I have to suffer through weird stuff then I'll deal with it.
Weight: I've lost about 12 pounds!
My smile: I think it's really awkward because when I smile, thinks are really tight and confusing. Luckily, everything lined up with my teeth so now I'm just waiting to be able to truly smile.
Bleeding/Breathing: So my doctor said I shouldn't be blowing my nose . . . but I should be using my netty pot. But let's be honest, I don't use that sucker at all because it sucks. So what I've done is taken people's advice and used q-tips and my saline spray. I've been able to breathe a little better and the bleeding is no longer there like it was all of last week. So whoopee for that!
My speech: I'm able to say things a lot clearer, according to my family. I think I'm having more issues with the mucus that's stuck in my throat to be able to talk than I am with my splint. My mom finally noticed that the doctors had put in stuff over my top teeth. Why? I have no idea. I guess it helps keep them in place?

I think that's about it! (: I think it's nuts to think that the next time I'll be seeing my doctor, I'll be a day past five weeks post-op! Wow, time does sure go by. Fingers crossed, things will continue to progress!

A Sleepover and Some Normalcy

So I went to that sleepover at like 7-ish ad I ended up being the first one there and I'll be honest, I didn't have the most fun ever. Only three girls showed up and not only did I not get to eat what everyone else was eating, but I honestly just didn't like one of the girls. I knew her from other parts of youth group and I always thought she talked too much. She bragged about how many guys have liked her and how she's a 'floater' and has dated jocks and stoners and nerds and preppy guys. She also managed to lie her way through which movies she's seen and which she has saying 'Oh, I've seen this movie' but then says, 'I bet something bad is going to happen!' Uggh. -_- NOOOO! I hate people like that. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. She reminds me of one of these people I used to be friends with back in freshmen year and honestly, I wanted to rip my hair out sometimes. She's the kind of person who asks you about something and then after you get about a sentence in, she starts off on a tangent about herself. 

On the bright side, I managed to paint my nails and the other girl was really nice. However, she was on her phone most of the time. I'm not sure how much I love it when people do that. Sure, it's fine if that's what you like to do and stuff but why must you use your phone when you're supposed to be social with people who are right in front of you? Please, riddle me this. Because I can't seem to fathom as to why my generation is so obsessed with their phone. Honestly? I turn my phone off at night usually and during school, and on top of that, if I'm downstairs in my house, my phone is upstairs lost in my room, somewhere buried in my covers of my bed. What's so special about our smart phones? If someone has the answer, a legitimate answer, someone should tell me. 

Anyway, the sleepover was fine. It was okay, not a lot of fun. Also, I managed to get a hold of a friend and one thing I love about him is that he teases me and makes fun of me as much as he can and that's just how we are. We're completely opposite of each other and somehow, we managed to get along. He hasn't talked to me in a while but now that he has, he treats me like he normally does and doesn't ask me any questions about the surgery and stuff because he knows I'm okay. And that my friends, is what I wish people would do. 

Doctor Say What?! (And a Little Outing . . . ?)

Hey all! 

So today was okay. Not uber exciting. I missed the first two classes and the beginning of the third hour for my doctor's appointment and it turns out you can still see bone in my gums which is absolutely gross. The resident surgeon was . . . not nice (just sorta kidding) and said that I might need ANOTHER bone graft or like a skin graft. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry . . . okay not really. Just sob for like a second. I already knew that I was going to have at least one more surgery but to think that I might have to have two makes me kind of sad. They also didn't fix the wire poking me in the back and said that I'd have to use wax. The issue with that though is the wax won't stick! So I give up. And they also took bone out of me. That sounds weird. It was like a small sliver but they saw some chipped bone in my gums and took it out. **shutters**. They said my gums are looking clean still and guess what? NO BANDS FOR ME!!!!!! WOOOOOOO! I was so happy to hear that. Apparently, my jaw has aligned to where it's supposed to so I might not have to get bands on after all! (: And what else? Um . . . I don't have to see them weekly anymore. I think I'm happy and sad about that. I have to see them in two weeks and fingers crossed, I'll get my splint out by then. It's nuts to think I'm three weeks in and I'm doing okay physically. It's weird that they always ask me how I'm doing. I don't really know how I'm supposed to be feeling to be honest. I feel like they want me to say something emotionally or something and just say I'm happy all the time but then I'd be lying. They ask silly questions . . . 

Second of all, I'm going to a sleepover with my youth group girls. I'm really, really nervous about it as it won't be . . . my bed. And I'm still recovering. And it's sad to think that I won't be able to eat what the rest of them are eating so I'm eating before I go and hoping that I'll be able to just ignore everyone else and try and be happy with where I am in my results and my recovery. I'm also nervous about sleeping on the floor . . . so my dad is bringing me a special pillow that supports your head and I'm bringing my really amazing pillow that keeps my head elevated and such and also is one of those pillow you can use to lean against on your back and stuff so I should be comfortable with that. I also have to bring my yucky mouthwash with me and my medicine and stuff. I feel like I'm high-maintenance and I don't like it. You know, like I'm over-doing things. I feel like I shouldn't feel like that though, only because the last thing I want is an infection or have to deal with pain or anything. So yes, I'm bringing everything I need to be comfortable!

I'll definitely be updating tomorrow about how that went out and I'll have to see what happens and how comfortable I feel around people I don't all that well. 

I hope all of you have a fabulous weekend and had a wonderful week! (:

Jaw Surgery is a Battlefield

I couldn't think of a better title . . . sue me! 

So I thought I'd give a quick update for today and just overall things. So high-ho let's go:

I managed to find an assignment that was a 'zero' in the grade book for a class which should bring my B back to an A so woohoo for that. Stress level has gone down like .5. I talked to my English teacher about my surgery and I was really happy to get some stuff off my chest with a real person and not, let's say . . . my laptop screen. I've never really felt 'close' to her at all, as there are some teachers that I prefer (not really this year) but I guess today it changed. She asked me about the surgery and she told me she knew somebody who was born with cleft lip & palate like me and I didn't feel so alone in the world. Like me, her friend had about 3 surgeries just as a baby and probably six total throughout my age and like that, I felt a lot better. It was comforting to think that even though I feel alone here, compared to the rest of the world, I'm not alone. I keep thinking that if I think, 'Oh, it could be worse' it'll make me feel better but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when I managed to get some social conversation from the few nice people I know here in Colorado. Anyway, she was really sweet and stuff about everything and I'm glad she was nice enough to ask me about it in more of a personal way and not in a rude, cold, 'pity' kind of way. (:

Band is boring for me and I miss playing my clarinet and just getting lost in music that I'm producing myself. I don't have much time to play guitar these days, as I miss my free time. I had gotten a new guitar a month ago for my birthday and it hasn't been played enough, in my opinion. :P Choir has been okay. I feel self-conscience about singing still but it's nice to slowly regain normalcy and I have one or two people who I feel like brighten my day more. Other people . . . hmm, how do I say this nicely? They like to put attention on themselves instead. So. Yeah. I'm going to leave that as is . . . 

Uhhh math is stressing me out. I hate my classmates in that class, but I guess that's something I'm going to have to deal with. I also am way behind in that class still (kind of) and math is never an easy to class to catch up in. Pre-Calc is great, it's just . . .not easy all the time.

World History is stupid to me. I hate it right now . . . only because the teacher is just . . . hmmm. I don't know. He was the ultimate push over the cliff for me. I've always been someone who likes to see people earn their respect from me instead of just getting it because they were older than me or better than me or smarter than me . . .you know what I mean. Anyway, I don't want pity but I do want understanding. A lot of teachers seem to have this picture in their mind that their class is the ONLY class I'm behind in. They are not only wrong but they are absolutely insulting when they say things like this. Especially coming from a girl who does care about her grades and somebody who not only doesn't have a lunch hour, but somebody who chooses to not have a lunch hour and not complain about it. I don't have an off-hour like 99% of the people in my school so this to all of you stupid teachers: "I'm sorry I don't have your class at the TOP of my priorities right now. I'll get to your class when I get to it and if you have a problem with that, then maybe you should learn to get some patience and understanding. I'm trying my hardest and I no longer have the patience to deal with people any more so pushing me isn't helping anybody."

As in school in general, I would say I don't really like being there anymore. I feel like it's all the same people and the same drama and the same stuff every day. I don't really feel inspired to learn anything new this year and I'm more excited about my classes for next year. I've noticed that I love it a lot when people treat me like a normal gal. I've always been someone who has known a lot of people but never been 'close' to them so when people say hi to me in the hallways like usual or make small-talk with me, I see a little bit of light in my brain and I love it. I also noticed that I get really self-conscience around certain people nowadays. I might make it a rule for myself and not talk around certain people and not smile around most people. Heh. I also notice that I look at people differently these days. I find myself staring at their teeth instead of their eyes, like I usually do which is beyond weird for me. It makes me seem like a creep . . . but I guess I'm just curious about how they sound so normal and stuff but when I did talk before the surgery I was nasally and had a bigger lisp. It's intriguing I guess. I'm anxious for marching band actually . . . which is another chapter of my life I'll be getting into towards late May or even when I can play the clarinet again. :P

I talked to one of my brothers after to school and I felt a little better as well. I love being around some of my family sometimes because I know they don't really give a crap about what I look like, they just care that I'm feeling better and I'm feeling myself. Anyway, talking to my brother made me think about how I miss being able to have someone outside my family understand me so well that they just get it. Which is why I had ended up going to Youth Group at my church. Unfortunately because it's newer, the people who go there don't go there on a regular basis so it's hard to keep friends that you think you make. However, I like all the leaders there as they visited me in the hospital and they're so supportive, so that's nice. 

Overall, today was okay. It wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I'm slowly learning to deal with things, one day, sometimes one minute at a time. I've learned that some people don't exactly always know that I just had jaw surgery and I need to learn to have some patience. I've relearned that music is and always be my first, true love and best friend. Speaking of which: confession time. As a self-obsessed teenager (only joking . . . kinda) in bed and around the house for the first week of recovery, I managed to discover One Direction. I'm ashamed to say this, but their videos actually made me feel a lot happier because everything they did was so light-hearted and their music is so happy and upbeat. It just goes to show me that music always can brighten up my mood when I need it. So yeah. Even though before, I never thought twice to think to listen to One Direction, I got into it and now thanks to their music, I'm definitely a little more optimistic than I probably would have been if I didn't listen to their music.

As for an actual update on me, physically:
-I got a few dizzy spells tonight where the room feels like it's spinning and I have to close my eyes for a minute until it goes away.
-My upper teeth feel like they hurt sometimes when I talk, maybe it's my nerves being reawakened? 
-My smile is still a little wonky. I've decided that I shouldn't judge my smile until the numbness in my face is at least 70-80% gone. Everything feels tight when I smile
-My canker sore is a big, fat, pain the butt.
-It hurts to yawn.
-My nose is still runny and I hate it during school.
-I happen to still drool sometimes, even when I'm thinking about it. I did it at school and it was really embarrassing. ):
-I could have said this earlier, but I noticed that on the left side of my face I could see the outline of my cheekbones--I couldn't do that before. Now, I can see a SMALL line on the right side of my face so that means the swelling on that side is slowly decreasing.
-I still have a slight cough.
-The pain is still minimal! Yay for that.

I think that wasn't really a quick update, but that's okay! I must go now, as I have to wake up early-ish and head downtown for another doctor's visit in the morning!