Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Let's Talk

Sometimes all I need to do is just sit here behind a computer screen and vent and just kind of talk to. . . someone who is willing to listen. And sometimes, nobody is really willing to actually take the time and read a long post from some random person who is either whining or complaining. And I totally get that. But I think I just want to just explore where this post will go because of how today went. This post will be a little "whiny" but it will also be reflective and something that I can look back and learn from. 

After my jaw surgery, I had become a little depressed--and some of you can see that if you look back at some of my posts from about a year ago. I felt really lonely and just very distressed, anxious, and I had a very low self-esteem. I felt like I had been getting that surgery for my family instead of myself. It seemed as though they had been more excited about the surgery than myself and I was kind of tired of hearing it. 

So of course, as time went on, I became to get on board with the whole idea of the surgery too. I looked forward to breathing through my nose more and more and I looked forward to having a nice smile and being able to play my beautiful clarinet a little bit better. I got closer to God during this time and ever since then, I've gotten closer and closer, I feel and I feel blessed and thankful for that as well. God brought me some awesome friends and showed me what it's like to have Godly friends. And yes, there were complications along with all those great things too. I couldn't play the clarinet for almost 3 months and I hated sitting there in band and watching people play. I hated not being able to eat because of how much I love food. I hated looking like a squirrel with about 8 nuts in her mouth. (Excuse the pun. . .). I also hated the fact that I felt like I was changing my appearance for someone else. Again, I also felt lonely and just depressed some of the time. There were great days and there were really awful days to go along with those great days. It happens.

And now I've gone full circle with recovery from my jaw surgery. I've recovered and I got my braces off (which was amazing by the way). The swelling is 100% gone from that surgery and I've graduated high school! It's been a long journey and I've like to say that I've forever thankful for that surgery and all the things that I've learned from that surgery in particular. I've learned the beauty of pain. . . shockingly enough. I learned that all my scars are just proof of healing and strength. I personally got stronger because of my past surgery and all the little ones in between (all the ones involving my gums) but you know. . . it's gone full circle now. 

I am now here with another surgery and it's been 5 days post operation, not including the surgery, 6 days including the surgery. I went in on surgery at 7:30 in the morning and had to get there at approximately 5:00-5:30ish. I was exhausted and was happy with the steak that I had the night before with a good friend of mine and my dad. So surgery was about 3 hours and 45 minutes (or so I was told). I went into my pre-operation appointment thing-a-majig by myself without my dad. I changed into my hospital gown (which I also hate) and then was put into these stupid-ass compression tights that were knee-high to help blood flow with those non-slip socks which I think are gross. Then they put this massager thing on my calves to help with blood flow. They asked me a ton of questions and then they gave me IV. She started out checking out my right hand and said that I have pretty bad veins for IVs which I've been told before. My veins disappear as soon as they get them to show up. Anyway, she ended up only pricking me once (Thank Goodness for that) and it honestly wasn't that bad. . . I just took a deep breath. It definitely hurt and it was unpleasant but that was to be expected. My surgeon came into explain exactly what she was doing and asked to make sure if it was okay if they took cartilage from my ear and decided it would be from my left ear. She also was debating whether or not to use my rib which apparently is painful. She also said that there was cartilage that was on hand somewhere that was cleaned and everything that was made up somewhere. I don't know. They didn't use it so I guess that's good. The anesthesiologist came in and put some stuff in my IV and that was it. I was put on a hairnet and then they sent me off.

 I woke up in the recovery room at about. . . 12 something. I'm not sure just because I was super tired and groggy, despite the fact that I had a clock on the wall right in front of me. Anyway, to go actually go into detail. . . I woke up and from what I can remember, my nose was a little sore and I immediately could tell that something was on my face. And actually there was not only my splint and the gauze and splints in my nose, but there was a mask on my face as well. And to top it all off, my throat was absolutely killing me. And as a singer, I absolutely hate when I have a sore throat. No joke. I hate it. It makes me feel horrible and it makes me nervous. I was also really hot from my surgery. . . as I feel like I am always so she put a fan underneath my blanket. I also had a wrap around my head for my ear. It turns out that they only got cartilage from my left ear and they bandaged my ear and use some wrap to keep it on. I sat/laid there and was given an ice chip to suck on for my throat. The nurse asked how my pain was and also put some cold compresses on my eyes for swelling before I actually physically woke up. Anyway, then she gave me some pudding which really helped my throat. And then after a while of resting, I got to see my dad and was put into this other room for them to give me the low-down on my prescriptions. I had a popsicle and kind of just sat there. I was very, very dizzy unfortunately and I really didn't enjoy it. And then I basically went home. They put me in a wheel chair and I was sent home. And the ride home made me grumpy. . . needless to say. And that was my day at the  hospital from what I can remember!

Now on to the real reason as to why I wrote this post:

Today has been a really shitty day. It just has been. Last night, at around 1:00AM, my stomach wasn't feeling so good and it decided that it needed to get rid of whatever was in it. So in other words, I puked. I managed to fall asleep fairly easily and then woke up at around 10AM. I gave myself 2 Tylenol and my antibiotic and then decided to put something in stomach--so I ate my cereal. Wheat Thins to be exact. I needed some pain meds for my nose so I decided to take a half a Percocet.And then I threw up again. And it was not fun. I now had a headache and I just threw up any medicine that I took. And I was now nauseated. I called my parents and my dad came over to just lend me some help and some medicine and then we called my surgeon's office. She told me to take one of the suppositories and as soon as I heard that, I basically cried. And cried some more. I really didn't like the idea of that. . . and for any of you who doesn't know what a suppository is, I'd advise you to look it up. So I wasn't feeling good, I had a headache, my stomach was killing me, my nose was killing me, and I just felt like crap today. I finally had enough courage to use a suppository and then fell asleep for about four hours and then woke up later and sat there until my dad came over again and I ate some saltine crackers with some peanut butter and jelly. I was basically very afraid to eat all day because I hate vomiting and I certainly hated it more when it really hurt my nose and head. Anyway, I didn't really take much medicine today and I felt the after affects of it tonight and my nose and head really hurt.

Needless to say, I felt really bad all day and there was quite a bit of crying. I was scared and I was tired of the pain and just the overall experience of going through surgery and then having to recover from it. I was just really tired and wanted to get rid of it all. And I just learned that there were definitely going to hard times coming my way and I realized that I might just be a little scared to be going off to college on my own in just a couple weeks. My mom has been taking care of me and I can't be thankful enough for her and what she's done for me not only the past 5 days, but the past 18 years of my life. She's been so supportive during the times where I've gone through some difficult surgeries and she's nursed me back to health. And lemme tell you, I did a really shitty job taking care of myself today and taking care of our dogs. It was just bad. And it made me realize that not only do I need to be a little more self-confident in taking care of myself but I need to just gain back some of my independence. In the past surgery, I hated not having my independence and in some ways, I hate that now too. . . but I think I've done a much better in letting my mom take the reins and it's been bad. I've relied so heavily on other people to help me feel better that it just isn't working. 

I've learned a lot today and I also really hated today and now I'm really needing to go to bed considering the time. I'll probably write about this tomorrow, but I did just want to talk to you guys and just let you know how poorly my day went and kind of reflect. 

I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the very last few bits of summer! (:

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