This surgery has definitely taken it's own hits on me and from what I've read, a few others online when it comes to emotional and physical pain. And I mean pain. It almost feels like it amplifies everything that was wrong in your life, if you let it and I've gotten to the point where I've let it.
I know deep down, somewhere in the black corners of my mind, I'm not really alone. I know that. But when you physically are alone in high school and going through this sort of recovery, you feel everything and I certainly mean everything.
I've mentioned this before, but my friend recently moved a few . . . hm, thousands of miles away from me about a month ago. I shouldn't have said friend. I should just say best friend but let's be honest, staying in touch with people long distance is hard. Staying in touch with anybody can be hard if both people put effort in, yes? Well, lately I've never felt so alone in my life and that my be the fact that I've failed to make more than one real friend in high school or maybe it's because I've always really been lonely and I've just been in denial the whole time.
I've never been that social and when I look back at my old friends I almost want to laugh at myself haughtily for even thinking that I belonged with them or that I could call them friends. The first one, I had been friends with from kindergarten to about fourth grade until she moved. She walked all over me and she never really got me. She was my first 'friend', if I can call her that. The next two, I met in 2nd grade and was friends with both of them until . . . hm, maybe my freshmen year of high school. One of them had got lost in the drug and smoking scene and the other was an utter b**** to me. She, like the first, managed to walk all over me as well and created the illusion that she cared for me. In reality, I personally believe that she was and still is one of the most self-centered person I've met in my life. And finally the last, who . . . I'm not really sure about.
I think it's absolutely incredible how cynical I and the rest of the world can be and yet we really do rely on each other. We all feel like there's somebody that we're destined to be with when we all start out as young children. Or at least, younger than an adult.
We, I didn't start out as a cynical person. I had the up-most hope for most people and expected the best of everyone. I hoped everyone would be happy and everything was just great. Then I grew up and I saw a few things and I experienced a few things and found how cruel life is. I feel so fortunate all that I have, of course, but I guess right now, I don't know what else to do except talk a bit how I'm feeling.
My whole life, I've always been decent at talking to people. I've never been very good at getting close to them and I've always been a shy person. In high school, I kind of started to get out of my shell and managed to talk to new people in high school but honestly, I still felt kind of distant from people and I definitely feel even more distant now. When I have absolutely nobody to talk to physically about how I feel then I just shut down. I give up trying to fit in. I find it ironic that society says if you're feeling lonely or sad or suicidal or whatever then you need to talk about it, but here, it's almost like if you open your mouth about being sad then you're not right. It's wrong to feel sad and not only are you whining, but you just want attention.
Anyway, this surgery has certainly amplified it. When I feel the need to talk, I don't want to and I get really frustrated when I can't even vocally say what I want to because nobody can freaking understand me. When I feel the need to have somebody truly listen to me, I don't think anybody will quite get it or care that I'm feeling this way. It's a hard feeling to describe but I'm pretty sure everyone's been there.
The recovery for this surgery is a long one and quite frankly, I feel discluded from everything I do. When I feel ashamed to smile, I know that something isn't right. I don't even like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I am my worst critic but I don't think I've ever felt this 'low' in my life. I mean, there were times in middle school when I felt pretty bad, but I honestly wasn't thinking logically. I feel as if I've grown a lot in the past three years of my life and I've really learned about myself and my flaws and my strengths and I know that when I no longer feel like I want to try to fit in is when I really just have given up.
I was hoping that I could survive a year and a half of high school by myself and quite frankly, I can't. Or at least, not easily. This year has absolutely drowned me in stress and homework and just really hard things to deal with. I was a mess when my friend moved and now that I'm lying here, writing this, it's like somewhere, I'm saying goodbye to a part of my life again. I'm feeling nostalgic and just utterly depressed these days and I don't want to. I really wish I could live in the moment and just fully appreciate what I have and just deal with the pain and the loneliness or whatever this is but I really don't feel like I can hold it in much longer and that's why I'm writing this.
On the other hand . . .
I know in my heart that I'm not truly alone and that gives me a little bit of hope. I know that people with this surgery have felt this same way and when people needed them, people reached out and that is what truly gives me the hope that I have right now. And as I sit here, being the cheesy person that I am, I will continuously read LoveGiveMeHope stories and hopefully watch some One Tree Hill will get me through this. I look back at what happened to me last year with the same friend that moved and I had also been so very frustrated because she was here but not here. I felt lonely then too. And I can't quite decide which is worse. Feeling lonely while being surrounded by people or feeling lonely and actually being physically alone.
Deep down, there's hope swimming around in my heart and in my mind and I'm looking forward to college. I'm looking forward to getting stronger. I'm looking forward to smiling again and loving it. I'm looking forward to loving life again.
For all of you who read this, I thank you, I guess. It means that someone cared enough to read it and someone just took the time to read this. For any of you who are going through this surgery and also having a rough time, I can say that I can relate in a way. I hope that you're recovery is going well and that you continue to improve little by little. I pray that you get strength and you become a better and much stronger person through this. I hope that you find someone to fall back on.
I truly believe that God, who's up there watching this, is smiling down, saying that He would never put me into a situation that I can't handle. He's making me stronger through this and I'm hoping I'll see the results of this, sooner, rather than later. (:
To close, I thought I'd end with a good quote I found:
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
I believe it really shows how people really do try at first to fit in and find their place and after a while, they give up and find an excuse as to why they live the way they do. I hope for myself that I don't ever make someone feel the way that I do and I'm really hoping that from this, I'll learn to start being a little nicer to people and doing the right things, even though I know some people think it would be stupid.