Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Updates and My Personal Thoughts on New Years

Well hello internet!

So, my last blog update wasn't my nicest blog ever but sometimes I just need to vent so I apologize for that. I really just needed to get out what I was feeling. However, that doesn't mean that I am forever grateful for being able to get my gums fixed so I wouldn't get an infection or for something worse to happen.

Anyway, this blog is kind of a two one. Right now, it's 11:02 where I live. . . almost new years and I figured I'd do an update for you guys and do my thoughts on "New Years" and all the ideas that come with it. Some of you might agree with me and some of you might disagree with me and that's okay, but this is just sort of a reflection update for me over what New Years is and just this past year or whatever.

So my update. . .

My gums are feeling better. It still hurts when I smile or when I put any kind of pressure on my upper lip. And what's funny, is because my graft was taken from two locations on the roof of my mouth, it feels better for me to have my retainer in because it puts pressure and makes the pain non-existent there, but when it's out in the open, without the retainer, everything is super sensitive.

Looking back at the surgery, I didn't like it. Obviously. And when I was going through it, I was thinking, "Man, if this is is what they're doing for this small kind of procedure (I put 'small' lightly) then what the heck did they do during my jaw surgery?" And you know what, that brought back some bad memories and that's probably why I ended up writing that interesting blog post this last week. I think I'm still learning to deal with surgeries and what it means for me to have them.

I may or may not have mentioned that when I finally got out of the office and went into the bathroom I broke down into tears. I deal with physical pain pretty well. However, I don't deal with emotional pain very well. I don't really know why. . . maybe it's just me but there are moments when I feel kind of broken down and I don't want to have to put up with going through surgery after surgery or problem after problem when it comes to my mouth and my teeth or even my face.

I still have at least two or three surgeries left, as far as I can see. My dad told me to look for noses I like. Why? Because I can get a nose job after everything's all done. And inside, that kind of makes me sad because I just can't seem to be okay with a lot of what that sentence means in context. Do I not like my own nose? Why can't I just accept my own nose? Sure, it's crooked. And definitely not symmetrical but it gives it a little bit of character, I guess.

But compared to where I was, last January, I definitely have a lot more self confidence and a lot more perspective on things. Surgery was a major deal. There were a lot of down and very few ups at the time I got it down but I love my new smile and even more so, I love that I can breathe! It's done loads for my playing the clarinet and it's done a ton for my singing.

Overall, surgeries are my least and favorite thing about my past. They've helped me in more ways I can say. They've also hurt me in more ways I can even think about. I've had a lot but at the same time, it's kind of something I have to go through. What's funny though, is one of my classes at school, I met a boy who was also born with cleft lip. No palate. I don't think, from what I can remember. He had six years of braces--pretty much like me. But no surgeries. And he's one of those guys that people like in high school and also. . . hate. He's cool. He's an athlete. Or. . . he was. He switched schools his senior year. But it made me think about how circumstances are always different and it's kind of interesting to see how other people have dealt with the same ordeals as me.

Anyway, from what I can see, I'm pretty okay. Pain is minimal except when smiling. My dentist said it looked good today. I was supposed to get a cavity filling in today but she didn't to mess around the grafting site so they decided to postpone it. Which in my mind, is totally okay because I really hate shots that go in my mouth. I really do. Like. . . with a passion.

New Years--it's a big "thing" around the world. It gives people the opportunity to change who they are and it gives them hope that change can happen.People make resolutions and plans such as, "I'll eat healthier!" or "I'll be more organized." "I won't procrastinate." "I'll work on my love life." Whatever they may be--it's kind of something most of us do and over the past 17 years, I've realized how silly they are. People will be so excited to get to it for the first past few weeks and then suddenly, things go back to normal.

Raise your hand if this has happened to you? **awkwardly looks around the room and raises hand slightly** Yep. Me too. I think the problem with New Years is it gives me a fake version of hope for change. Change can be great. Sometimes you're thrown into it and you have no word in it and then there are times like New Years. We have complete control over this sort of change. Change is a touchy thing because if you have the ability to change something then that means you're deciding whether or not happens and sometimes, it won't happen only because you aren't ready for change. You're not committed to making the change--despite the fact that you seem like you are because New Years has psyched you up for change. Hell, it makes sense! Change for the better makes all of us excited and proud of ourselves. We get motivated. But here's my question for me and the rest of you: If you wanted to change so much then why didn't you change some other time in the year?

Sounds harsh, but I definitely think I make sense. I could have ate healthy back in the summer. I could have started being organized yesterday. I could have stopped procrastination several years ago. But I didn't. And a lot of the times, I make the same resolutions every year and it just never happens. Why? Because I don't think I actually care.

New Years Resolutions are great. But only if you're ready for them. . .

Now, onto a different topic: Reflection.

Reflection through any mile stone is just kind of a natural extinct for us humans to do. We're emotional creatures. We're social creatures. So we look back at our year and say, "Wow. Thanks [fill in important people here] for making this year such a great one! Here's to another year!" Or maybe, "Wow. This year sucked. Next year will be better." Or "Wow! I learned so much through this year. I've met new people and I've had my heartbroken. Despite all of that, this year was great and I really hope next year will be just as great!"

I love reflection--as you can see. And here's my hypocritical side coming out of me--why the hell do we have to do this every year? Why can't we reflect every day? Or every month? Or every 6 months? I don't get it. What makes the fact that the number of the year changes makes us reflect on the past year?

I personally look back at 2013 in both a personal way and a social media way or pop culture way. Two totally different things but I feel like reflection isn't really much until we actually take it and really learn from it. Here's what I have to say about both pop culture of 2013 and my own life.

Pop culture? Crap. Don't get me wrong, this year had some intriguing things in it. Miley Cyrus and her tongue. The U.S Government shutting down. A shooting nearby. The Harlem Shake. "What Does The Fox Say?" More war. More hatred. More technology. Sexist music and videos. Great movies. Bad movies.

All of it isn't all that memorable sometimes. Personally, I hate Miley Cyrus' public image. I don't know about her as a person but to me, she really just wants to be remembered. And she will be. I don't know if she will be memorable for really genuine moments, but who knows. Politics aren't even worth discussing. People are always going to be hateful and spiteful. Catastrophes all over the world are always something that I think are touchy. People remember them but I don't know if anybody really change because of them. I say this because I look back at my own school shooting from when I was in 8th grade and sure, protection has gone up but I feel as though community only happened because of the tragedy. And in ways, it's both good and bad. Community should always be there--it shouldn't matter the circumstance. But in the same way, tragedy always ends up bringing out the absolute worst and best of people. It's crazy to me. Pop music will forever be something that I either absolutely HATE or love. That's just me. Catchy tunes make me happy. However, music is something that means the world to me. So when I see artists doing crazy things. . . well, to me, I don't think it makes sense to call themselves musicians just because that person can look psychotic on a stage while sing well. Real music is music that makes you reflect on life. Pop music is a great way to have fun with, but it isn't music that touches my heart and my soul.

On a personal note. . . this year has had some major ups and some major downs. As you all know, surgery has just taken over my life. My face looks different because of it. I sound different because of it. I loved the overall outcome of it. I hated it at the moment. I think, it just goes to show that if you're too closely involved in a situation, sometimes it's impossible to see things clearly until you take a step back or ask for some guidance from an outside perspective. 

This year, I saw a friend leave my life. We're still in contact but it's certainly not the same. At the same time, I made two really awesome gals who have really helped me kind of become myself. They're just as crazy as me but the three of us are so different that it's good because we balance each other out.

I got closer to God. I met some really great Godly people who I truly admire and look up to because they've helped me through some really hard times. I met some really awesome girls at camp from youth group who taught me a lot. And some of them were several years younger than me. They taught me that it doesn't matter your age--God is always there and if you let Him, He'll bring some really awesome people into your life. You just have to want it. And because of that, I met some really great, Women of God who changed my life.

I grew a lot in passions that I love.

 Marching band was tough on me emotionally this year. The friends I met came from marching band. Despite the fact I wasn't really fond of it, they were there and dealt with my venting and pushed me as a clarinetist. And hell, as a marching band, we put on one HELL of a last show. It was memorable.

Choir . . . has been. . . interesting. Since it's been two school years in the last year, there was a dramatic change. I don't love school choir anymore so much but I learned a lot from the gals who were in it last year. I'm learning how to be more of a leader. I'm learning that I don't deal with people very well and I need to asking for patience. I've learned what it means to become more of an independent singer. I learned that failure is okay. . . especially when it comes to auditions. In the past three years, I auditioned each year for my school's musical and not ONCE did I make it. However, I decided to do tech for musical. Yes, there are people who annoy me there too (that's just my personal nature) but I still loved some of the people who I did meet and make bonds with. I learned that just because I didn't get into something doesn't mean I won't have a talent somewhere else. And even though I failed several other auditions, I managed to get into ALL STATE CHOIR and be the ONLY girl from my school who got in. Which is a HUGE deal. I learned to have confidence in myself in ways that means I need to be okay with my failures. Music is always going to be a part of my life--small or big. I love it. I love doing it. But I don't do it so I can do great things with it. Even if I'm not very great in say, acting and singing, I still love being able to sit in my room and pluck out some beautiful sounds on my guitar in my room in private.

Most of all, I've really just learned acceptance. Hell, I'm still learning it. I'm learning what it means to accept myself and my own flaws. I need to learn not to be so hard on myself. I need to learn to be patient still. I need to learn how to just take things as it goes and just kind of go on with things. I need to learn to understand people a little bit better. I need to learn to deal with things better. But this year was full of well, just a lot of events and a lot of memories. I took them and made reactions out of them and lessons. That's what every year is. But mostly, I've really learned what I need to work on.

In this next year, I don't really have resolutions. I just hope that I can learn them and not force them upon myself. I hope that college will go accordingly. I hope that All State Choir will be bombtastic. I hope that I learn to survive more surgeries. I hope that graduation will just come and go and I won't have to see people from high school EVER again. I hope that other people plan to change things because they want to NOT because they feel the NEED to.

As for me, I'm going to go and read Harry Potter and enjoy myself. I don't care that I didn't do anything special tonight. Most people feel so upset because they didn't do anything enjoyable. But to me, tonight is just another night. I've reflected tonight just as much as I did, if not LESS, than I did when I got my surgery done.

It is now 11:59. My last moment in 2013 and all I can say is I just hope throughout my life, things go well. NOT just 2014. Or 2015. ALL OF IT.

Happy New Years everyone and I hope I enlightened some of you.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Procedure Done

I'm home!

Unfortunately, I'm in a good amount of pain. And I really, really, really, really, REALLY hate doctors. For so many reasons.

If anything, this blog post might be a venting post if not anything else. So, I had tissue grafts done which means I had two areas of the roof of my mouth taken apart and put somewhere else. I don't know about you, but that sounds PAINFUL! And it is! Especially when your doctor doesn't give you enough Novocain to begin with! Second of all, my periodontist was all, "Oh there's this new technology that we use! It vibrates and it makes sure the shot that you put in for the Novocain doesn't hurt at all!" WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, the vibrating stick DOES NOTHING for the pain when you get a shot--ESPECIALLY when it's on the roof of your mouth! WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! What?!?!?! HAVE YOU TRIED IT ON YOURSELF! I DON'T THINK SO DOC!!!!!!!!!

Second of all, I just feel the need to say something about how doctors just randomly talk to their freaking assistance as if the patient isn't there! NO DOCTOR, I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW AT THE DAMN DRIVE-IN! It's completely irrelevant and I don't care about it! And quite frankly, your making the procedure sound super nonchalant as if it's no big deal! Uh. . .no, doc, sorry. . . it IS a big deal!

Third of all, this procedure? Yeah. . . LOTS OF BLOOD. And because I was completely aware of everything that was going on around me, I was NOT a fan of having the damn assistance jab a freaking suction thing in my mouth every chance she got! I'D MUCH RATHER SWALLOW THE BLOOD than having you freaking choke me with a freaking suction thing!

Fourth of all, after going through jaw surgery, I don't even want TO KNOW what they did during my jaw surgery and what that felt like during the surgery. Because these grafts were NOT fun. All you hear is freaking chipping going on in your gums and scraping and they prick YOU A TON! It's not fun! Quite frankly, I miss my doctor for my jaw surgery because at least he was personable. This guy? OH NO. He was just "let's do this and go from there." In my own opinion, I don't think that's the best way to go about something as painful as a tissue graft.

Anyway, now that I'm done with my venting here's how it went:

I got there. They brought me back and the used that STUPID vibrating crap in my mouth while they were giving me the Novocain shot (which did NOTHING) and then they waited a little bit for it all to settle in. All in all, I think I got around 4 shots. All of them hurt. After that, they did a lot of poking and prodding around my tooth that was getting the graft and then they a lot of poking and prodding on the roof of my mouth where they were getting the tissue for the graft from. That DID hurt. And only one graft took about. . . hmmm an hour and like twenty minutes or something. I was gagging on my own blood it was FANTASTIC. Then they moved on to the other graft which was just as annoying as the first one. All in all, it was the same thing. They cut out tissue, they poked me, stitched four areas in total in my mouth and now I'm done.

Quite frankly, going through it just reminded me of jaw surgery and that experience. . . isn't something I like to remember. It was painful and it made me feel very vulnerable. And that's basically how I'm feeling now.

So let's start to gage some stuff:
Pain: 4/10 (It's throbbing pain)
Emotional state: I'm a mess. Let's be honest. It brought back bad memories.
Diet: I'm on a liquid diet for the day. WHOOPDEEFREAKINGDO.
Numbness: I'm basically numb anywhere in my upper lip, my gums, and like the first part of my palate which is where they got the tissue from.

Overall, I'm more annoyed than anything else. Nevertheless, I'm still a sarcastic person who doesn't like doctors.

I am now going to spend the rest of the day in my bed, reading Harry Potter, watching Harry Potter, and going on Pottermore and be taking strong meds.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Another Surgery

Why hello!

It has definitely been a while and I really had to go back and think about all the things I've been through for the past few months. I have to say, things have been going well since the last surgery that I had. Jaw surgery is a major surgery. It's a big deal and it definitely can have it's impact on you. It made an impact on me, that's for sure.

Anyway, recently, just about two weeks ago, I got my braces off. . . if you couldn't tell by the last post! It felt so great to get them off, but of course, my upper teeth (since I had upper jaw surgery only) are still a bit unstable. Hell, I had my braces on for seven years so getting them off was a big difference to me! I felt myself running my tongue over my teeth all the time after I ate because I was afraid I had food in them! Haha. . . how ironic.

Anyway, as a real update for all of you, I would have to say that jaw surgery is definitely well worth it. I look into the mirror and I feel really proud of my smile and it's definitely been a long journey for me. I've had MULTIPLE surgeries, including the jaw surgery, as well as seven years of braces. I had them on since fifth grade and I am now a senior in high school. However, I started with only braces on my upper teeth and I also started out with an expander (also not very fun) but all in all, it was all really worth it. It's definitely been an emotional roller coaster for the past few months, but with some really great friends, an even more amazing GOD, and my family, I've been able to get through it. Sure, my best friend moved away, but I managed to get closer to new friends and God and that has really proven to help me become stronger as an individual. Oh. . . and using jaw surgery as my college essay was a huge help too (; hahaha.

For the most part, the feeling in my face and upper mouth is back. If I touch it, I can definitely feel that I've been touching it.  However, my upper gums don't really have their feelings or sensitivity back, which in ways can help sense my teeth are still sensitive. I still find it hard to eat certain things, because my teeth are sensitive and I definitely find it hard to play clarinet sometimes because I do bite with my upper teeth.

One thing I did fail to mention (or so I think) is that after my jaw surgery, I had a tooth root showing in my upper gums. Basically, it looks like gums. My surgeon, from my jaw surgery, assumed that it would close up after a few months and that just never happened. And on top of that, it seemed as though I have either one or two dead teeth from the jaw surgery which is kind of disappointing. Because of that, I had to go to the periodontist last week (Tuesday to be exact) and now. . .  well, tomorrow morning, I have two tissue grafts planned. I have to say, I'm nervous but I'm definitely not as nervous as I was for the jaw surgery.

The jaw surgery scared me to pieces. As most people have told me, I have a HIGH tolerance for pain. It's just who I am and I've been through a lot of pain because of other surgeries and I manage to deal with it. (Except when I fall, I'm sick, or I get hit, then it all hurts like hell). But of course, despite my high tolerance of pain, I was extremely nervous for my surgery and looking back at it, I certainly had every reason to be. It HURT. And it was not fun at all. Of course, that morning of my jaw surgery, I basically broke down into tears when I went to go change into my hospital gown. That's how scared I was.

However, now I'm looking at tissue grafts which also. . . don't seem to sound that pleasant. I mean, for all of you who don't know what tissue grafts are. . . well it's basically taking a piece of your tissue on your palate and taking it and putting in your gums. I don't know about the rest of you, but that really doesn't sound that pleasant. And of course, my friend's aunt had the same operation, and she said it hurt like HELL. She said that it took months for it to heal because it's healing in an area that's wet and damp (your mouth). However, my periodontist said that it only takes a few days for it to feel better and just a couple of weeks for you to feel better. And let's be honest, I think my friend's aunt's condition was rare and was an exception.

Just like I did for my jaw surgery, (I was stupid) and I decided to look stuff up about it just now and it turns out, it really isn't that bad. It really does take a couple weeks to heal and the most pain you feel is like having a really bad burn on the roof of your mouth.

After having a week to process it (well 5/6 days), I've realized that it really can't be ANYWHERE nearly as bad as jaw surgery. The pain will be nothing. The emotional damage will be NOTHING. The diet will be nothing. Overall, I feel pretty confident in myself. I feel pretty good about going in tomorrow morning and being okay with everything. I think at the end of the day, I think it's more important to get it done. I mean, the jaw surgery I don't think was NECESSARY for my health but this is and it'll make my smile look even better than it already is.

I think after going through a ton of other stuff, I think I'm more than well prepared for this surgery. It's amazing what past experiences can do for you. I actually decided to get two surgeries in one day and I also decided to only get numbed up instead of having an IV or even having laughing gas which just means I'm not as nervous which definitely brings comfort to myself.

For any of you going through jaw surgery or any surgery at all, I wish you luck. . . especially as I go in for another one tomorrow morning! (:

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Braces are off!!!!

Hi guys!

I thought I would do a very, very quick update and tell all of you that my braces are finally off! I've had them on for seven years and I just got them off today! And what's really funny though, is that I didn't know I was getting them off today! Haha. Anyway, the retainers are kind of annoying and they really kind of bother me when I take the upper retainer out because my teeth are still sensitive from jaw surgery, but other than that, it feels great to have them out!

Here's a picture!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Judgment and Priorities

The title of this particular blog has one the words I hate the most. It's the word that people keep saying I do. It's the word everyone does and everyone resents. It's the word that scared me the most during my time of my surgery.

The second word is what we dictate our lives over and such. Right? We prioritize. We decide what we need to and what we don't need to do. And part of that can relate to the first word. We set priorities and we judge those who don't have the same priorities. You get the idea.

It's annoying. It's aggravating. We all hate it. And if you like it when people make judgments about you then I'd say that you were a big. fat. liar. Nobody likes to be judged as something they aren't. Nobody likes to be told what they can and cannot do based off of someone's judgment. Hell, nobody likes it when people set your priorities for you. Right? Or am I just generalizing things?

I have set my priorities--especially as a high school students. I also have my own opinions. I also can judge people. As do most. It can be a good judgment or a bad judgment. Either way, we all know that in the back our own little heads, judging others is never okay. So why the hell do we all do it? Why do we put our expectations on others? Is it just to judge other people?

As most of you know, if you've been following this blog enough, you'll know that I'm a Christian. I'm a strong Christian and I love all the fellowship I've made through being a Christian. I believe in God and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It's a stereotype that Christians though are probably one of the most judgmental people. Why? Because we expect others to act the way we do because we assume that our beliefs are the right beliefs. Logically, that makes sense but biblically it doesn't. Christians, as most people would also assume, shouldn't judge others. Nobody should and yet I feel like Christians can be the most who do just that.

The more I go to church the more I feel like people are expecting to know more about God and such. I know that's what's supposed to happen. I know that I should be working on that but when I have other expectations that lay on my shoulders, it's hard to do that. I'm trying not to make mistakes. I don't have the time and I'm not making the time. I'll be honest about that. But what I don't understand is why people can't be understanding of that. No. I can't be a perfect Christian like you. I have other priorities. Yes, God is my top priority but at the same time, it isn't right for others to make my priorities for myself.

I'm a high school student. I'm applying for colleges. I need sleep. I go to church all of Sunday. I go to Youth Group on Wednesdays. I try to prioritize things right now in a way where I won't get bored or frustrated. And it isn't okay for anybody to ask me to prioritize things differently. It's hard enough for me to have down-time, let alone read. I realize I should read the Bible. But randomly asking me what certain means from the Bible is just plain out rude. Especially when my priorities are different than others. I KNOW I need to make time. I also KNOW that I won't do it when people are pressuring me to do so. Being Christian is a choice and asking me to do things for the better of me isn't the same thing. I have to want to do it.

God has made me stronger. I believe that--especially after this surgery. But one of the hardest battles all Christians have is making God our top priority. It's hard. And for someone to go and put pressure on me to know things from the Bible almost throws me off because they just assume things about me. They put weight on my shoulders that I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR.

See what I fail to understand is why Christians seem to assume that we're all perfect and judge others who aren't even though deep down, we all know that we aren't.

Quick update:
Emotional: Okay. Annoyed, but okay.
Swelling: Gone, I'd assume.
Pain: 1/10 ( I still get the occasional pain in teeth when playing clarinet and eating.)
My fistula still kind of has a small opening and the stitches around it are sore.
My diet is back to normal.
Congestion: Bad. I was sick all last week so yeah.

Anyway, that was my rant for the week. Hopefully, I won't have to too many times for that.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Many New Things!

Why hello people of the internet!

I thought I'd be creative and just do a weird little introduction there. Ha. (:

I feel like I haven't posted an update in a long time and I think it's because well, I've been busy and I just don't dwell on my surgery as much as I did back. . . in March. Wow. It's been five months? WHEW! That's a long time.

I can't say that it's like everything is brand new or like I can't tell that I've gotten surgery because then I'd be absolutely lying. There are still some adjustments I'm making to my every day stuff. For one, I can't eat a chip normally to save my life. With the surgery came a lot of new space in my mouth that wasn't there before. I know that sounds kind of impossible when I say that. Almost like, "How could you make more space in your mouth than there was before?" Well, the doctors didn't make my mouth bigger. I don't think that's really. . . possible but he did expand my upper jaw so they could align properly with my lower teeth (if that makes sense). And even though everything feels great and stuff, I still have issues eating certain things LIKE CHIPS. It's aggravating. XD

Another thing that I'm still dealing with is the tightness in my face. While it's gone down TREMENDOUSLY in the last five months, it's still there. I've also noticed that I definitely have some scars in my mouth (which added to the ones I had before that). I've had several surgeries before this which is something I've really come to terms with. Anyway, the scars are. . . tender and kind of not fun to feel around with the tongue. I now have two new scars that are on the left and right side of my upper gums on the far sides that kind of go up even toward the gums and the inner, upper lip. It's a weird sensation, that's for sure. When I first got my splint off and I felt around (very carefully, might I add) I noticed the scars but I thought they'd heal because they didn't seem like scars. Needless to say--I was wrong.

Lastly, (and I've mentioned this before) I also have my new bite to deal with when it comes to playing the clarinet! Music is a huge part of my life and such but you know what? I'd much rather choose a beautiful smile rather than playing clarinet and being a section leader in freaking marching band. Not that I don't love marching band or playing the clarinet but I've been dealing with my mouth, my teeth, and my smile for a really long time and it's something I'm going to have to live with a for a long time and that's much more important to me at the end of the day.

I only mention that last thing because well, I've started marching band again for the year. It's band camp and that means two straight weeks of playing and marching at the same time. I've been able to start playing in the higher register again (and with a lot of ease compared to last time) and that's been really fun and exciting. Also, because I got a fistula closed during my jaw surgery, NO AIR ESCAPES! That's even more exciting. Why? Well, when you play the clarinet and air escapes because of a hole that's in your mouth. . . well then you run out of air faster and it just causes for bad breath support overall. It's really cool to know that I can play normally--just like everyone else in my section. Of course, with all these positives, there are a few negatives--but I'm learning to deal with them. Because of the surgery and because I wasn't able to play for a few months, I couldn't audition for section leader back in the spring. That was a downer and I was really angry and just depressed about that, but I've decided that God has brought me a lot of great opportunities in the last few months and He has blessed with me so many other things and for that, I'm not going to dwell on anything. Sure, I'm reminded of it every day. Sure, I'm sure I would have been a pretty okay section leader. But God has a plan. And that's all that matters. Another, downside to the surgery is I still have pain when I play. However, I'm able to play for a while now. About an hour or so. Which is an improvement from a month ago. Before that, I could barely play for a half hour. It's going to take a while but I'll get back to being able to without any restrictions.

Another two new things which is fun. Or I guess, maybe three? I'm not sure. Well, first of all, I got a haircut! So that's a great feeling! Ha. XD And secondly, I got my senior pictures done on Saturday, the 3rd of August. It was really interesting smiling for pictures again and to think about all the stuff I've gone through for the past few months and all the growth I've done. The photographer told me he noticed my braces which reminded me that unlike most people my age, I still had mine on. Most have had them off. I've had my braces on when people got theirs on AND off. It's kind of funny. . . in a rather ironic way. Anyway, he asked if maybe I'd want them to be edited out. I thought about it and he said there weren't any promises but they'd try. Well, right now, I have these really small, tight rubber bands that my orthodontist keeps changing the position of and I'm thinking about HOW close I am to getting my braces off. She keeps saying, "September or October." THAT'S IN ONE OR TWO MONTHS! That's crazy! AND SUPER EXCITING! I'm so excited to have them off and be done with them. They've brought me so much pain. So many annoying eating habits. And they really restricted me when I first started learning the clarinet. I WANT THEM OFF. I think I deserve to have them off too, especially because I've had them on for six years. :P

Anyway. . . an official update:

Swelling: Gone? I still can't tell.
Emotional Status: Great! (: Sometimes a little angry or bitter about things but overall, I'm happy!
Pain: 3/10 (I played clarinet for a while today. It hurt. ): )
Diet: Normal with some weird ways in eating things. . . I can't bite directly into some things.
Numbness: Still a tad tight in my lips. Still somewhat numb in my gums and my hard palate.
Speech: Sounds awesome! (:
Congestion: I'm getting super annoyed with my allergies these days where my nose gets runny and then stuffy in one nostril. Very frustrating.

Time for a picture? Sure! Why not!

Looks good if I do say so myself! (:

Friday, July 12, 2013

Two Setbacks

Hey everyone! (:

So I thought I'd do an update for you all based on music for me! I don't know how many of you actually read my blog, but if you didn't know, I'm a big music person! I'm going to be a senior in high school, and quite frankly, it's exciting. . . I get to take classes that I really enjoy and just be the upperclassmen! And with the classes I'm taking, involves band and I also do marching band in the fall!

For all of you who don't know, I play the clarinet! It's a marvelous instrument and when played right, it sounds beautiful! Now, the issue is, my bite was so wonky before surgery, I learned how to play the clarinet wrong. . . basically, I've been doing it wrong since I was in 8th and now, I'm re-teaching myself to play again and it's so confusing. And not only is it confusing, but IT HURTS! It's frustrating to know that after playing for four years now, I have to start again and it hurts. My upper teeth super sensitive and sore after playing for even an hour or so and it's really depressing to know I can't really do what I used to be able to do. All I know is it takes time. . . but I'm reading around and some people say it takes up to two years to finally play like you used to. . . which is disheartening. 

Marching band is pretty. . . extensive, considering camp is from 8:30-4:30 from Monday to Friday for the two weeks before school and then after that, we have rehearsal until like 5:30. So playing is definitely scaring me. I really don't want to backtrack on my results so far and I really, really don't want to hurt myself and push myself to far either. At the same time, I want to be able to play again. It's kind of confusing.

If any of you reading out there, play any woodwind instrument (excluding the flute), I'm wondering, how your experience playing again was. 

On another note, since my speech is a lot better, my singing has gotten a lot better, I think. I can breathe through my nose which is a new thing for me, and now I don't so nasally when I sing or when I talk so that's really great! (:

Jaw surgery is definitely not an easy journey but at the end of the day, I'm grateful that I did it and I'm even happier to say that it's made me stronger.

Another setback--I've realized that I have to take my senior pictures with my braces. I was hoping I was going to get my braces off before then, but I guess I just have to deal. It's really kind of. . . 'depressing' to say that I don't get to take my braces off before senior pictures. Maybe I can edit them out, but still. . . it's not the same. I guess in the long run, it's more important to get it all down now and think about the real results. It's just a high school picture, right?

Update Photo: (15 weeks, +1 day)

Looking back. . . wow, I look a lot better compared to when I first got my splint out:

Big difference, yeah? Sheesh! As long as things are coming along, I'm pretty happy!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Another Change

Hey everyone!

So I thought I'd update everyone on what exactly my plans are for this summer as far as change for myself. 

I've decided to add losing weight to the "to-do" list. After camp, I think I'm comfortable in my own body but I'd rather much be healthier than anything else. A lot of issues in today's social media and just in society in general are all about their physical appearances which is why I was having such a hard time going through surgery. A lot of people look at eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, etc.) as such horrible diseases and I totally agree because they are so unhealthy and a lot of people in response to that take glory and pride in the weight they have currently.

Now, I think that's actually great! But for me, I'm not losing weight just to lose weight or to make myself feel better about myself. I figured, I need to feel HEALTHIER and be healthy instead of just 'being okay' with the weight I'm at right now. . . so there we have it!

This jaw surgery has really opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself and other people and I've truly learned what it means to just do things for yourself and not other people. So, hopefully, this goes well and I can definitely lose the weight that I want to and as time goes on, I hope I can see a difference and I'll post pictures on that too! I'm super excited to start this process and a little nervous!

As for a REAL update on everything:
Pain: 1/10 (I don't think it really hurts unless I'm eating something that's too hard.)
Emotionally: I'm much happier. It's an amazing feeling!
Swelling: I honestly have no idea. I think there's still some left. 
Numbness: Things still feel tight in my upper lip and around the bottom of my nose and in my gums. My upper gums are completely numb as well as the roof of my mouth.
Diet: Pretty much back to normal. I haven't actually gotten to a real steak yet, but I have been able to eat a normal burger by pulling it apart and then putting it in my mouth.
My speech: I think it sounds a lot better than before I got the surgery. I think because of that splint, I'm still learning how to pronounce things still.
My breathing: HALLELUJAH, GLORY TO GOD! I can finally breathe better. Every once in a while, due to allergies, it can be difficult but right now, as I'm typing this, I can bring normally out of both my nostrils. Before this surgery, I breathed through my mouth for everything and now? I can breathe through my nose! It's amazing!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Camp and an Update

I thought I'd do a quick update for you all about how things are with me and my lovely jaw. 

If you aren't religious at all or just offended by religious talk then stop reading here.

So I went to camp, for all of you who didn't know that and it was my youth group and it was probably one of the best experiences of my life. Not only was I able to make some amazing friends but I really got to share what was burdening me about this surgery--you know, everything that was listed in my blog that I was having issues with. Anyway, not only was I able to do that, but I was also able to just pray for myself and ask God to show me that His opinion was the only one that mattered and before this surgery, I was still loved and I was still beautiful in His eyes. I didn't need to be beautiful in anybody else's eyes but His and despite the surgery, I'm still desired and loved by Him and that is all that matters. 

In other words, I grew a lot at camp and I'm really glad that I went.

On a real update though, I didn't get to meet with my pareodontist--thingy or whatever because my dad had gotten a new job that conflicted with my appointment time. In other news, my smile is looking better, but my teeth are still as sensitive and it bothers me. I still can't really bite into anything really without feeling really sensitive about my teeth or just feeling a tad bit of pain but I'm sure things will get better. My nose still gets stuffy every now and then but it's not that bad so that's good. . . and yeah. Nothing really new!

I hope all is well with all of you guys!(:

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Another Doctor Visit and Camp

Hey everyone!

I take it all of your summers are going well and you're all enjoying a well-needed break. Ha. Anyway, I thought I'd give a quick update about my doctor's visit that was last Friday and just a few other things with me. 

So Friday, I had another visit with my surgeon but it turns out my doctor was too busy to see me so I saw another doctor whose name is escaping me right now. But I guess that's irrelevant. Anyway, I now have an appointment with a periodontist for my bone graft thing-a-majig. I don't even know. It's scheduled for the Thursday following this one. So that should be interesting. The doctor didn't really do much except ask me about the numbness and stuff. It honestly would have been nice though to see my real doctor instead of a different one. Hospitals? Yeah, they frustrate me. 

Next up: I'm leaving for camp tomorrow morning! Needless to say, I feel nervous which is absolutely ridiculous. I'm just a paranoid person. I'm anxious to find out what happens as I don't know anybody there and it's basically Monday through Friday. It should be. . . interesting. I'll update when I'm back on Friday. Hopefully, all goes well!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Other People And Your Own Experiences

I really felt the need to just address this topic because I think it's one that really defines my life but most of all, it really defines having this surgery. This surgery is one experience that really marks a change in the way that I've thought and the way that I've done things.

I'm sure this is something that has been said by many, many intelligent people but I'm going to say it for myself. My experiences define myself and that's it. Right? But also, nobody will really and truly understand what I'm going through. Just because somebody went through the exact same thing (losing a loved one, going through this awful surgery, falling in love, having a child, etc) it doesn't mean that they understand anything about YOUR circumstance. I emphasize 'your' because your circumstance, my circumstance is incredibly different from each other. Why? Well, I've experienced things in my life that you haven't and vice versa. Thus, I'm going to react differently from you. I'm also going to have different people around me when that event is going on. I'm going to behave differently. I'm going to have different ways to handling things. 

That being said, I'm going to just say that it's all true for me. And I really do want to say thank you to all my fellow jaw surgery bloggers and jaw surgery survivors how much I appreciate your own experience. In some ways, or in most ways, they are the same. The same pain, the same numbness, and the same exhausting reaction. It made me feel less 'alone' in the world. However, at the end of the day, when I sat alone in my bed by myself, I was alone. I didn't have a friend to discuss things . . . I was too afraid to talk to anybody. I didn't have anybody who really knew what it was like in my life while going through jaw surgery and the same goes for everybody else. Some who go through this surgery are much older than me. Some people are in college. Some go to work. Some are in high school like me. Some have very supportive people surrounding them. Some do not. Some deal well with pain. Some don't. And I could list of all of these different factors and if I were to do that, I know that everyone is different. 

And sometimes, there were also times when people, myself included, when we wanted to talk about what we were feeling with somebody who have never had jaw surgery. You know, somebody who would just listen. But after a while, I didn't want that anymore. I knew deep down that the person I was complaining to or even just talking to wasn't going to get what I was going through. It takes someone very special for somebody to react the way we want them to, yes? Well, that's my point. When I talk to people, I want them to engage with me in a well-mannered, respectable way. Especially when I'm distressed, emotional, and lost in the world. I don't want anybody to talk down to me. I just want some discussion that isn't going to make me more emotional. But that doesn't mean I'm going to get that and not only that, but I was asking for a lot. I was being selfish. So I figured, my blog would be a great way to express how I felt and it has.

I have said in multiple blog posts that my best friend moved away . . . a few thousand miles. And who knows if she reads this blog at all, but if she does, then that's fine. There were times when I really wanted to tell her how I felt . . . and I'm pretty sure everyone has felt that way in their life. You want to tell someone desperately but you cannot find the strength to do so. I knew that she was going to be supportive in every manner she possibly could. I love her for that. I knew she was also going to try and be careful about what she said and again, I love her for that. But I knew that discussing this with her at that time, or right now for that matter, wasn't going to help me. I wouldn't feel as satisfied because I didn't feel like I was getting what I needed. I don't even know what I needed. Maybe it was comfort and some reassurance. But I think it was also something like, "You know what? Kendahl, it's totally okay for you to feel this way. You should be angry. You should be sad. You should be upset." I didn't want to hear that it was 'going to be okay' because I feel like that was the generic response. Even for me. I would stereotypically say, "It's all down hill from here." But really? I found out yesterday that it wasn't down hill. I still have surgeries to do. I still have to deal with things that I dealt with before this surgery. I just wanted somebody to say, "Be angry. Be upset. Complain. Why? Because that's a natural response. But you know what? This is a part of life and you will just learn how to juggle it all. I'm not going to say that it's going to be okay but I will say that this is a learning experience and you will grow from it." That's all I wanted and I guess I just got it from myself. 

I was afraid to say anything about how I was feeling to people who 'knew' me because I knew that nobody really knew me 100% like I knew myself. I know that music is my sanctuary. I know that I'm self-conscious. I know that I'm sarcastic. I know that I hate braces but at the same time, I've learned to deal with them. I hate that I'm very much different from this day in age's 'normal'. But I also love it. I happen to be a very critical person. I judge those around me, just like people judge me. It's something everybody does, whether we mean to or not. I also happen to be blunt sometimes. I know why I am this way . . . well most of it anyway. I know how I react to things. So in reality, I know what's best for me in most cases. And yes, that's not the case for everybody and every case for me, and that's why I wanted somebody to talk to. But I shouldn't have expected much from people. That sounds cynical. Hell, I'm a cynical person. But there are moments when people show me that we can be good-hearted people. But you know . . . if I don't put expectations on people I don't feel the need to feel betrayed or rejected or hurt. It's almost as if I know the answers for myself but I really just wanted a second answer--a second opinion and really, I rarely ever got one. 

In reality, nobody is going to understand what I'm going through. Especially with something this big. And I try hard not to say, "Oh, I know what that's like" or "Been there, done that". I prefer that I would say that only during casual instances not personal ones. 

I think at the end of the day, I've learned that I am alone but at the same time, I can learn to rely on people and just know that people are willing to listen and that alone should be okay. I am going to move on and move past this experience along with my new surgery and I am going to continue to reflect on my own on this blog.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

An Update, An Orthodontist Visit

Hey everyone!

It's been a while since I've updated and I guess that's because I haven't really had time to do that but now that school is officially out, I thought I'd dedicate an hour to writing a well-thought post. 

So, I 'recently' just put up that "This I Believe" essay which was a really big game changer for me just because I felt like I got pretty personal with it. Instead of going with something cheesy and something that didn't impact me so much, I picked something that I was still dealing with and not only that, but I got up and read it in front of my peers. My voice cracked and I could tell that I wasn't really comfortable with sharing it but at the same time, I knew I should have. I think that essay really just helped me reflect in a way that was actually being presented to people. 

Anyway, to further to add to that, I'd like to say that even though this year, school-year-wise, has been my hardest yet, both emotionally and just mentally. I had tons of classes that weren't easy, my best friend moved away, and I had to deal with a huge surgery. At that moment, everything felt like it was crumbling around me and I didn't even think I'd come out of the rubble without a ton of scars. 

It turns out, this year was my best year when it comes to grades and my GPA by the end of the year and honestly, that was one of the most gratifying feeling in the world. I ended up getting 6 A's and 1 B, and by golly, I'll take it! That's a great feeling when things go better than planned and even more so, it's an even more amazing when I came out of the battlefield with my head held higher than I thought it would be. 

On recent news, I had my first orthodontist which made me really depressed in a way and really frustrated. The orthodontists (Is that even grammatically correct?) weren't exactly gentle. I'm still tender and numb but I can definitely feel pain and when doctors start pulling my lips it makes me really nervous. It made me really uncomfortable and just really scared that something wasn't going to go right. 

So to sum it up: I hate the orthodontist. They gave me new bands to put on and then told me that I needed another surgery. Yeah, screw being beautiful. That's how I'm feeling now. I'm not happy with any of this and then they thought it would make me feel better by saying that my braces would be off by September. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. NO! Dammit. Hell no. I would much rather have braces than have to go back and do another surgery. So yeah. In other words, I'm really frustrated. 

So here's an actual update:

Numbness: My upper lip is still slightly numb and my gums are still numb.
Emotionally: I'm really freaking angry and just depressed at the moment. 
Pain: 5/10
Swelling: I think it's pretty much gone.
Congestion: Comes and goes. But mostly it's not a huge problem. It's mostly my right nostril that gives me issues but currently, it's my left nostril that is clogged.
My speech: Its okay I guess. I think I've finally decided that I won't ever sound like the rest of everyone else.
My smile: Is awkward due to having my wires been taken off and having bands put on. 

Sorry about my hair in this picture. And yes, I'm aware that my smile is awkward. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

This I Believe Essay

Hey everyone! I'm going to have another post right after this one, but I thought I'd just add this by itself. 

So, this is an essay that I turned in today for my 'final' which I thought turned out really well. I ended up getting an A in the class and I got a 95% on this assignment and it ended up being about jaw surgery. 

Honestly, it was really personal to read in front of the class because well, I never realized how personal and how much this surgery really did affect me. I honestly thought, "It's just another stupid surgery". I knew I was going to be scared, I knew it was going to hurt, and I knew that it took some time to heal from but I didn't realize the emotional change I would have. 

So without further a-do . . . here's my essay

This I Believe

     Have you ever sat in a math class and stared at the teacher, confused as ever? And then suddenly, everything made sense and you’re overwhelmed with a feeling of satisfaction? Or maybe you just got home from the doctor and the news struck your family with grief and sadness? And despite the outcome, you and your family have learned to overcome everything that the situation threw at you?

    Throughout life I’ve always heard that “life is a climb, but the view is great.” And to me, that signifies the majority of my life, but even more so, I’ve learned that just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. I’ve learned that happiness is conditional and it comes and goes as it pleases. Bliss comes from myself and how I view the rest of my life.

    I was born with a birth defect called cleft lip and palate and that alone is a struggle. Even though I had it ‘fixed’ when I was younger through surgery, it still continues to shape my life today. I’ve had to deal with speech issues and I’ve had to overcome seven years of braces while I’ve watched my friends get them off in a year or two. I’ve dealt with numerous amounts of surgeries and the worrisome effects of being self-conscious about my appearance.

    Recently, I’ve gone through maxillary surgery and that alone has been one of the biggest struggles I feel that I’ve overcome. After waking up from six hours of surgery I felt everything hit me at once. Large amounts of pain or numbness overcame my entire face. I felt my opinion on my personal image change. I knew the sudden change in diet, or even going through a lot of emotional challenges would change me. After the first few days I felt unbelievably self-conscious. I was swollen, I couldn’t talk clearly, I drooled constantly, I didn’t have the independence that I personally thrive upon, and I looked different and as time went on, it got to the point where I didn’t even want to smile. Smiling became something I was ashamed and self-conscious of because I thought my ‘new’ smile looked horrible. I had been so used to the smile I saw in the mirror for the past 17 years and the sudden change wasn’t easy .

    Now, seven weeks post-operation, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I’ve overcome 

maxillary jaw surgery and even more so, I’ve become stronger because of it. I’ve learned that 
happiness doesn’t come from other people or through aesthetic, materialistic ideas--it comes
from my state of mind. Not only that, but I feel that I can see the beauty of everything else in my 
life. Through the battle I’ve learned to appreciate what my abilities and my circumstances are.
Struggle has allowed me to progress and learn more about myself. Struggle taught me to fight 
even when times get hard. Struggle has taught me to become passionate and appreciative.
Struggle—that’s what I believe in.

And there you have it. I hope you guys like it, as I'm sure some of you can apply what I said in other ways, but yeah.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

My Life Through Music and Quotes

I thought I'd put up a few songs and quotes to show how I am feeling, how I have felt, and just songs that I love and quotes that I love in one single post. I might annotate them to my liking and I might add comments and I may just leave them as they are.

Music has always been a major part of my life and quite frankly, it's my best friend. I'd feel 
As I said in my last post, this is me reflecting and letting others read it. Maybe my random reflection can help others, which I doubt. This is also going to be another long post. Anyway, let's get on with the music/quotes:

"And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all 
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry 
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and 
We can't go back
I'm sorry 
I can't be perfect" ~Perfect, Simple Plan

This song has really been one of my go-to songs for whenever I feel like people (mostly my family) have put so much expectations into me and my life and I really just want to throw them all away. My dad, who is one hell of a wise guy, has always told me that by defining someone by anything can limit them and I guess, as I'm growing older, I can finally understand what he means. People expect me to always be this happy, smart girl and when I fall short of that . . . it's not okay. In reality, what's not okay is people judging others. I really wish I knew why we do that to each other when we all hate it when others do it ourselves. I hate that all human-beings, myself included, are very hypocritical.

"She's beautiful, in her simple little way. She don't have too much to say when she get's mad. She understands. She don't let go of anything, even when the pain gets really bad. I guess I should have been more like that. You had it all for a pretty little while. Somehow you made me smile when I was sad. You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart and then you realized what you wanted what you had. I guess I should have been more like that. I should have held on to my pride. I should have never let you lie. I guess you got what you deserve. I guess I should have been more like her." ~More Like Her, Miranda Lambert

I think most of us feel like this. I mean, this is about a girl, but clearly, it can relate to anybody. Have you ever felt yourself comparing yourself to someone who seemed more worthy? Better even? Yeah, me too.

"Remember when I cried to you a thousand times? I told you everything, you know my feelings. It never crossed my mind that there would be a time for us to say goodbye, what a big surprise. But I'm not lost, I'm not gone. I haven't forgot . . ."~Remember When, Avril Lavigne

I'm not really going to say much for that one.

"I couldn't tell you why she felt that way, she felt it every day. I couldn't help her, I just watch her make the same mistakes again. What's wrong, what's wrong now? Too many, too many problems. Don't know where she belongs . . . She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside. With no place to go, no place to go, to dry her eyes, broken inside."~Nobody's Home, Avril Lavigne

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong,
And no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud,
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don't know what it's like,
To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life.

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies,
While deep inside you're bleeding?

No you don't know what it's like,
When nothing feels all right,
You don't know what it's like,
To be like me...

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,
Welcome to my life.

No one ever lied straight to your face,
And no one ever stabbed you in the back,
You might think I'm happy,
But I'm not gonna be okay,
Everybody always gave you what you wanted,
You never had to work it was always there,
You don't know what it's like,
What it's like...

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,

To be hurt, to feel lost,
To be left out in the dark,
To be kicked when you're down,
To feel like you've been pushed around,
To be on the edge of breaking down,
And no one's there to save you,
No you don't know what it's like,

Welcome to my life . . ."

~Welcome to my Life, Simple Plan

That song, just as a whole was my anthem growing up because I felt so alone and I don't think that's changed much. I stand at Youth Group tonight and here I am feeling like an outcast and I've honestly not sure who to talk to and this is what I'm doing now. I'm going to blog the crap out of how I feel through music and this song is definitely been there when I wanted to cry and cry and cry.

"She loves her mama's lemonade, hates the sound that goodbyes make. She prays one day, she'll find someone to need her. She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliment, it's all the same if everybody leaves her. And every magazine tells her she's not good enough, the pictures that she sees make her cry. She would change everything, everything just ask her. Caught in  the in-between a beautiful disaster. She just needs someone to take her home." ~Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin

This song in itself is just so true for a lot of girls these days I think. And it kind of reminds me of this ridiculous surgery. I stare at the mirror and I stare at picture of girls on Facebook or in magazines or in the tabloids and I know that people wanted me to go through all this pain to make me look a little better which honestly killed me inside . . . and as I think about it, it still kind of does. Anyway, that's all I'm going to touch base-on for that song.

"Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty, is the face mirror looking back at you. You walk around here thinking you're not pretty, but that's not true 'cuz I know you. Hold on baby you're loosing it. The water's high and you're jumping into it and letting go and no one knows . . . that you cry but you don't tell anyone, that you might not be the golden. And you're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone. I guess it's true that love is all you ever wanted 'cause you're giving it away like it's extra change. Hoping it will end up in his pocket but he leaves you out like a penny in the rain. . . "~Tied Together With A Smile, Taylor Swift

Another song that was may anthem during my ages of middle school. It just spoke to me because I could relate to it. It said words I was too afraid to say and it appealed to me, just for that very reason. I knew at that moment, at that low part in my life, I couldn't hold on to my facade. 

"I could be mean. I could be angry. You know I could be just like you. I could be fake. I could be stupid. You know I could be just like you. You thought you were standing beside me. You were only in my way. You're wrong if you think that I'll be just like you. You thought you were their to guide me. You were only in my way. You're wrong if you that I'll be just like you. I could be cold. I could be ruthless, you know I could be just like you. I could be weak. I could be senseless. You know I could be just like you." ~Just Like You, Three Days Grace

This is a song I listen to when I'm angry with people who are expecting me to be just like them. 

"I thought that I could count on you. I thought that nothing could come between us two. We said as long as we would stick together--we'd be alright, we'd be okay, but I was stupid and you broke me down. I'll never be the same again. So . . . THANK YOU for showing me that best friends cannot be trusted. And THANK YOU for lying to me--the friendship, the good times we had--you can have 'em back." ~Thank You, Simple Plan

Gosh. I listen to this song when I think about some horrible friendships I feel that I've had. It's not that I'm spiteful or anything but goodness gracious,I get angry at myself for letting people treat me like that. It's not okay. Ever. 

And yeah . . . I'm going to end that there because this post is already really long. Whew. Hahaha. I got some good emotions out on that post. (: I feel a little better now.

Music . . . man, I'd be dead without it.