Thursday, April 18, 2013

Jaw Surgery is a Battlefield

I couldn't think of a better title . . . sue me! 

So I thought I'd give a quick update for today and just overall things. So high-ho let's go:

I managed to find an assignment that was a 'zero' in the grade book for a class which should bring my B back to an A so woohoo for that. Stress level has gone down like .5. I talked to my English teacher about my surgery and I was really happy to get some stuff off my chest with a real person and not, let's say . . . my laptop screen. I've never really felt 'close' to her at all, as there are some teachers that I prefer (not really this year) but I guess today it changed. She asked me about the surgery and she told me she knew somebody who was born with cleft lip & palate like me and I didn't feel so alone in the world. Like me, her friend had about 3 surgeries just as a baby and probably six total throughout my age and like that, I felt a lot better. It was comforting to think that even though I feel alone here, compared to the rest of the world, I'm not alone. I keep thinking that if I think, 'Oh, it could be worse' it'll make me feel better but it doesn't. What makes me feel better is when I managed to get some social conversation from the few nice people I know here in Colorado. Anyway, she was really sweet and stuff about everything and I'm glad she was nice enough to ask me about it in more of a personal way and not in a rude, cold, 'pity' kind of way. (:

Band is boring for me and I miss playing my clarinet and just getting lost in music that I'm producing myself. I don't have much time to play guitar these days, as I miss my free time. I had gotten a new guitar a month ago for my birthday and it hasn't been played enough, in my opinion. :P Choir has been okay. I feel self-conscience about singing still but it's nice to slowly regain normalcy and I have one or two people who I feel like brighten my day more. Other people . . . hmm, how do I say this nicely? They like to put attention on themselves instead. So. Yeah. I'm going to leave that as is . . . 

Uhhh math is stressing me out. I hate my classmates in that class, but I guess that's something I'm going to have to deal with. I also am way behind in that class still (kind of) and math is never an easy to class to catch up in. Pre-Calc is great, it's just . . .not easy all the time.

World History is stupid to me. I hate it right now . . . only because the teacher is just . . . hmmm. I don't know. He was the ultimate push over the cliff for me. I've always been someone who likes to see people earn their respect from me instead of just getting it because they were older than me or better than me or smarter than me . . .you know what I mean. Anyway, I don't want pity but I do want understanding. A lot of teachers seem to have this picture in their mind that their class is the ONLY class I'm behind in. They are not only wrong but they are absolutely insulting when they say things like this. Especially coming from a girl who does care about her grades and somebody who not only doesn't have a lunch hour, but somebody who chooses to not have a lunch hour and not complain about it. I don't have an off-hour like 99% of the people in my school so this to all of you stupid teachers: "I'm sorry I don't have your class at the TOP of my priorities right now. I'll get to your class when I get to it and if you have a problem with that, then maybe you should learn to get some patience and understanding. I'm trying my hardest and I no longer have the patience to deal with people any more so pushing me isn't helping anybody."

As in school in general, I would say I don't really like being there anymore. I feel like it's all the same people and the same drama and the same stuff every day. I don't really feel inspired to learn anything new this year and I'm more excited about my classes for next year. I've noticed that I love it a lot when people treat me like a normal gal. I've always been someone who has known a lot of people but never been 'close' to them so when people say hi to me in the hallways like usual or make small-talk with me, I see a little bit of light in my brain and I love it. I also noticed that I get really self-conscience around certain people nowadays. I might make it a rule for myself and not talk around certain people and not smile around most people. Heh. I also notice that I look at people differently these days. I find myself staring at their teeth instead of their eyes, like I usually do which is beyond weird for me. It makes me seem like a creep . . . but I guess I'm just curious about how they sound so normal and stuff but when I did talk before the surgery I was nasally and had a bigger lisp. It's intriguing I guess. I'm anxious for marching band actually . . . which is another chapter of my life I'll be getting into towards late May or even when I can play the clarinet again. :P

I talked to one of my brothers after to school and I felt a little better as well. I love being around some of my family sometimes because I know they don't really give a crap about what I look like, they just care that I'm feeling better and I'm feeling myself. Anyway, talking to my brother made me think about how I miss being able to have someone outside my family understand me so well that they just get it. Which is why I had ended up going to Youth Group at my church. Unfortunately because it's newer, the people who go there don't go there on a regular basis so it's hard to keep friends that you think you make. However, I like all the leaders there as they visited me in the hospital and they're so supportive, so that's nice. 

Overall, today was okay. It wasn't great but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. I'm slowly learning to deal with things, one day, sometimes one minute at a time. I've learned that some people don't exactly always know that I just had jaw surgery and I need to learn to have some patience. I've relearned that music is and always be my first, true love and best friend. Speaking of which: confession time. As a self-obsessed teenager (only joking . . . kinda) in bed and around the house for the first week of recovery, I managed to discover One Direction. I'm ashamed to say this, but their videos actually made me feel a lot happier because everything they did was so light-hearted and their music is so happy and upbeat. It just goes to show me that music always can brighten up my mood when I need it. So yeah. Even though before, I never thought twice to think to listen to One Direction, I got into it and now thanks to their music, I'm definitely a little more optimistic than I probably would have been if I didn't listen to their music.

As for an actual update on me, physically:
-I got a few dizzy spells tonight where the room feels like it's spinning and I have to close my eyes for a minute until it goes away.
-My upper teeth feel like they hurt sometimes when I talk, maybe it's my nerves being reawakened? 
-My smile is still a little wonky. I've decided that I shouldn't judge my smile until the numbness in my face is at least 70-80% gone. Everything feels tight when I smile
-My canker sore is a big, fat, pain the butt.
-It hurts to yawn.
-My nose is still runny and I hate it during school.
-I happen to still drool sometimes, even when I'm thinking about it. I did it at school and it was really embarrassing. ):
-I could have said this earlier, but I noticed that on the left side of my face I could see the outline of my cheekbones--I couldn't do that before. Now, I can see a SMALL line on the right side of my face so that means the swelling on that side is slowly decreasing.
-I still have a slight cough.
-The pain is still minimal! Yay for that.

I think that wasn't really a quick update, but that's okay! I must go now, as I have to wake up early-ish and head downtown for another doctor's visit in the morning!

No comments:

Post a Comment