Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Hitting a Brick Wall

So today, I kind of, sort of managed to have a mental breakdown on the way from school and I thought I could vent here so I'm venting. If you don't like it when I vent then please feel free to skip this post. :P

I don't know what brought it on. Maybe it's my newly found canker sore I have in my lower left gums. Maybe it's the food I can't eat. Maybe it's how self-conscience I am of myself and my surroundings. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it's the mere fact that I feel like teachers are PUSHING me to be caught up already and be able to do everything I used to. Maybe it's the poking wire I have in my cheek. Maybe it's the fact I lack friends here. Or maybe, just maybe, it's all of the above.

I feel overwhelmed with emotions these days and I really just want to breakdown into tears. Unfortunately, I know deep down, that all of these people are expecting me to be okay with this and be okay with the pain and the numbness and the food and everything else but you know what? I'm really not. I mean, yes, there are days when I'm just chipper and happy and dandy but then there are days like today when I feel like someone's hit me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. 

I'm so behind on school it's not even funny and it's not normal for me. I'm unbelievably scared right now that I have like three B's. I'm so scared about the ACT that I have coming up next Tuesday. I'm scared that I'm not going to do well and I'm going to end up not getting into a good college. Hell, I don't even know what college I really want to go to and it's bothering me. I'm scared that I'm not going to do well the end of this semester and it's the most important freaking semester of my high school career and I don't know what to do. I'm not okay with being behind in school but I also am not okay with forcing my body to do things it doesn't want to. I'm constantly irritable these days and annoyed and tired and frustrated and it's unbelievably well . . . all of those things. I don't like it when I'm this negative. Yes, I'm a cynic at times but not like this. I feel completely stressed out and I don't ever know what to do. 

I feel like I don't have anybody to talk to like I used to and that hurts even more. I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I have to sit in silence and deal with my own thoughts and that's the last thing I want to do, especially when all my thoughts are negative these days. I mean, I freaking cracked my phone yesterday. I have a canker sore in my mouth (which I haven't had in about a year), I have a cough, and I constantly feel like I need to get stuff out of my nose to the point where I'm paranoid about it at school. I hate it. I don't ever feel comfortable smiling anymore and I just . . . don't know what to do with myself. 

I know that somewhere in the corners of my brain, there's a bit of light shining through wanting me to be optimistic about the whole thing but  I can't seem to do that today. I constantly am alert of everything around and I'm constantly stressed out. I hate it. I hate it so much.

. . . . .

Anyway . . . I think I'll change the topic now since I think I've managed to hit all the emotions I'm feeling right now. An update:
-The swelling in my face has gone down a bit. It's still mostly on the left side and my lips. 
-My numbness is kind of going away but honestly, today feels like every day before. I mean, it's not like the first week but it's definitely not like I can feel anything 100%.
-I have a stupid canker sore in my mouth and it hurts.
-I'm getting tired of having my mom ask me what I want to eat from somewhere to which I reply with, "I can't eat most things there, Mom." When really, I want to reply with, "Stop asking me what I want from a place I can't eat from. Just come home and I'll make myself another bowl of mashed potatoes or eat another bowl of macaroni cheese or another cup of yogurt." 
-My nose is constantly running. I. Hate. It. 
-My right nostril sometimes have blood in my 'snot' (sorry for the info there) and it's annoying. I have no idea how to get my nose clean.
-I've lost ten pounds. Which is nuts to me.
-I'm tired most of the time.
-The dizziness has gone down a bit but I still get it occasionally.
-I have a stupid cough.
-I can open my mouth pretty far now without it hurting on the left side anymore.
-I can hear a difference in my voice. It's not nasally anymore . . . I love that. I hate that I can't talk normally though.

So yeah. That's about it. 

Sorry about the rant and I hope all of you are doing better than me. :P Eh. Sue me. I'm in a 'pity me' mood. 

Quotes of the day:

"So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight but I'm just surviving. And I may be weak but I'm never defeated and I'll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. And most days I try my best to put on a brave face but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks, but all the while . . . something's keeping me safe and alive." ~Sweet Silver Lining, Kate Voegele 

"I'd rather make sandcastles instead of these wide world decisions. I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me. And I don't have a plan at all, but I got this six-string religion and I do, I do believe a song can heal me . . . it's enough for me." ~Sandcastles, Kate Voegele


  1. Sorry to hear you're having a bad time with school! I feel your pain, theres always us other jaw surgery goers who can help you through it though! :)

    I relate to the people asking what you want to eat! I just want to be like what I want is a burger, however what I can have is totally different to that so stop asking me and reminding me that I can't eat properly!

    My nose really annoyed me for a while, but honesty, take half an hour, q-tips and a bowl of warm water and gentally clean. Eventually you will pull balls of snot out (it's disgusting) but you can breathe through it, and it's lovely - until the time you need to clean it again! It does take a while though!

    Chin up! There is a light at the end of the tunnel (although it's pretty dim for me too) and somebody thought you could handle all of this stress and drama! Try to look at it in a positive way; you've managed to go back to school following MAJOR jaw surgery - and it seems that you're doing pretty well. Imagine when you can say you've achieved your grades and got into college ONTOP of recovering for a major operation!

    Keep smiling, stay positive! Jaw surgery will do anything to see you fall! (I've decided that Jaw surgery is actually an enemy, the only friend we have in it is the positive results) :)

    1. You have no idea how much it meant to hear you say all these things. (: Put good tears in my eyes, actually! :D And put a pretty lopsided smile on my face.

      The food is definitely a tough part and it's frustrating when people ask about it sometimes. At school, I fear to eat a yogurt or something because it's still messy for me to eat and the last thing I want is people looking at me like I'm a two year. But I think I'm still learning that I'm going to just have to deal with it.

      I will do that tomorrow I think! My mother is on my back through about 'sticking' things up nose which sounds pretty bad but if I can't blow my nose, then what else am I gonna do, you know?

      I think I've managed to think a little more optimistically today, although I was still worn out. I talked to my English teacher for a good ten minutes about it and it made me feel better since I haven't really gotten to talk to anybody about it, really. I'm hoping that I'll be able to push through things. I think what really pushed me to the edge was when a lovely teacher of mine asked me why I haven't turned in an assignment yet. Needless to say, I felt hopeless after that like it was my fault and I was becoming a horrible student.

      Thank you so much for your support and your advice . . . it means so much to me! I hope your recovery is going well! (: