Friday, May 17, 2013

Reflection and An Update (late . . . heh)

I wrote this a week ago and never posted it because I didn't finish it. Sorry! This is my six week post-operation reflection and update.

I've found out that I'm avoiding this blog for reasons I don't think I can quite understand. I look back at this surgery and the rest of my life and it's definitely been a long and short 17 years. 

I think I've been avoiding it all because I really don't want to reflect by myself because it makes me feel even more alone and more annoyed and sad and just really complacent. Which I guess isn't really a good thing either, but I've decided that I better do this at least weekly or else I'm going to have another breakdown sooner, rather than later. 

So first up is my update . . . 
Pain: Virtually a 0/10 or a 1/10. It kind of depends. I have wires poking me everywhere.
Numbness: It is officially only in my upper lip, my gums (duh), and some areas in the roof of my mouth. I really don't know where to be honest.
Emotional Status (I've decided this is important, so I'm adding it! :P): I'm currently stressed, avoiding things, and kind of paranoid. I don't know. It's a mixture of emotions. Mostly avoiding things.
Dizziness: It's gone! YES!
Swelling: Ummm . . . Yeah I don't even know. My mom still thinks I'm more numb on the right side of my face. 
Congestion: Most of the time, it's annoying as heck. I can't even breathe usually through my nose anymore. I had gotten so used to the new feeling of being able to breathe through my nose that it's annoying when I can't. Right now, it's clear. I put some decongestant spray so that helped a lot.
Bleeding: Gone! I haven't seen any blood at all!
My speech: Is less nasally which is really nice. I'm still getting used to talking.
My smile: is really confused. Honestly, I don't even know how to smile anymore. It's sad, really. 
It's not as wonky as it once was and it's slowly coming together which is making me happy.
(I decided to make my own little collage and I put my photo-editing skills to work!)

So as you can see from the photo, these are from today, six weeks post-operation. 

So now, I thought I'd do a bit of reflecting during this six week post-op blog post. About what I've learned and about what I've experienced during this long journey and just throughout my life.

I think I've finally fully understood what it meant to be independent and why I think I've clung so close to being that way. I feel like in today's world, we look at everything and we look at happiness as something is something you 'achieve' and once you achieve it, it doesn't go away which is so, unbelievably wrong. 

I think I've grown so much stronger and so much more independent through this experience. I've shed a lot of tears this year, both for this surgery and just from having to say goodbye to so many people that I love and I've learned that how one acts during a struggle defines that person's character and I refuse to be one of those people who sits there and let's life pass them  by because I'm too busy waiting to be 'okay' with something. I refuse to sit there and wait until I'm ready, because odds are, I won't be ready at the end of the day.

I finally have learned that pain is nothing but a mental thing and I've learned that instead of complaining and whining about my circumstance, I can just face it head-on and hope for the best. I can reflect and I can learn on what I've experienced instead of acting selfish in this type of circumstance.

To end this post, I will use one of my favorite quotes recently, that I heard on one of my FAVORITE shows, One Tree Hill.

"People get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We're always thinking that someday we'll be happy, you know when we get a car or a job, or that person who will fix everything. But happiness is a condition, not a destination. It's like being tired or hungry. It comes and goes, and that's okay. And if people thought of it that way, they would find happiness a lot more often."

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