So I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to try and make the most of my relaxation time for now on when it comes to my week off of school.
I've managed to play my lovely guitar that I got for more birthday about two weeks ago (it's a Taylor!!!!) and even though I can't sing my little heart out like I used to, I can still mumble some words and it's almost the same thing . . . heh. I'm trying to stay optimistic and enjoy what I can do and not focus on what I'm unable to do, because well, what's the fun in that?
In the meantime, I'd like to officially say I can bathe myself, sleep in my own bed again, and walk around the house without getting so dang dizzy! It's a miracle, I tell ya! It's a wonderful time when I can get back to being so independent and just enjoying myself in my own time because that's really what I'm used to doing. In addition to all of that wonderful news, I can kind-of-sort-of drink from a straw instead of using a syringe! It's kind of difficult with my splint and the the fact that my upper face is still numb, but I can still do it and it's definitely progress!
I'm even MORE excited to try out my new bite with the clarinet and see how far my lisp is just ran away and disappeared! (:
Going back to the beauty statement I made yesterday, I still have issues though with looking in the mirror, as I don't seem to recognize myself quite yet. My nose sticks out a little more as well as my upper lip and being swollen kind of emphasizes all of these new features on my face. I can't necessarily say I'm in love with it and I can't say I hate it as I've read that it's important to keep an open mind until the swelling is a gone or mostly gone. I'm anxious to see what I'm going to look like when it's all said and done . . . specifically when I get my braces off. (I'm told I get those off in another year or so. ): ) I'm disappointed to say that my braces have been on my stupid teeth for about 6 years which is a pretty long time. Most people I know, have only had them on for a year to two years and even then, some people only have them on for like 11 months or 18 months.
Fortunately, in the back of my head, I can hear my dad's words in my ear that it's all down hill from here on and it'll all be worth it.
Let's just say . . . my fingers are crossed!
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
― Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
The Meaning of Being Beautiful
I thought as I was up being a little contemplative, I'd write about what I thought of what it means to be beautiful. I think a lot of us confuse beautiful and pretty and handsome and attractive. Do the really mean the same thing?
I don't know. Let's look it up.
Attractive:
adjective
Pretty:
adjective
Beautiful:
adjective
Beauty:
noun, plural beau·ties.
I don't know. Let's look it up.
Attractive:
adjective
1.
providing pleasure or delight, especially in appearance or manner; pleasing; charming; alluring: anattractive personality.
2.
arousing interest or engaging one's thought, consideration, etc.: an attractive idea; an attractive price.
3.
Pretty:
adjective
1.
pleasing or attractive to the eye, as by delicacy or gracefulness: a pretty face.
2.
(of things, places, etc.) pleasing to the eye, especially without grandeur.
3.
pleasing to the ear: a pretty tune.
4.
pleasing to the mind or aesthetic taste: He writes pretty little stories.
5.
(often used ironically) fine; grand: This is a pretty mess!
Beautiful:
adjective
1.
having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about,etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2.
excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3.
wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.
Beauty:
noun, plural beau·ties.
1.
2.
4.
Often, beauties. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.
5.
Now, because I'm going to go off the first definition, I've noticed that the first two both specifically say in appearance while the last one, beauty and beautiful have anything to do with sensory . . . so sight, sound, smell, thought, and touch.
I've always been someone who said "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", especially because, well not only have I never considered myself as the most beautiful person in the world, but also as I thought about it, I really did think being beautiful had to do with everything in something/someone and not just someone's appearance.
When I think of a beautiful person, I think of girls in my school who are both physically beautiful and has inner beauty--someone who treats others with respect, someone who is honest and loyal, someone who is grounded and down to earth.
Now, I thought I'd touch upon this subject only because a lot of people, apparently, thought this type of surgery was an aesthetic type of surgery (meaning it pertains to beauty) which I think is rather ironic. Since people thought of it as an aesthetic surgery, some insurances wouldn't cover it or whatever, but what's weird, is people probably wan to do this surgery for other reasons. I don't know how to explain it, but it's weird to think about it.
As the date of my surgery was growing closer and closer, I noticed that I didn't want to do it to make myself feel beautiful. I wanted to do it so I'd have a bite that would make it easier to sing and to play the clarinet. I wanted to be able to breathe through my nose. And as I thought about it, I felt like some people wanted me to have the surgery so I would look better. I wasn't very happy about it. Actually, as I thought about it, I resented this surgery more and more.
If being beautiful was that much more important to me, I'd be willing to spend money to change my looks. Yes? Well, turns out, this surgery is both aesthetic and not aesthetic. I'm so dang excited to get all of this pain over with so I can enjoy my new speech. Actually, to even get to the part where I'm going to be more 'beautiful' I honestly have to look horrible and feel worse. I'm a swollen chipmunk right now, I'm bleeding, my breathe is gross, and I have a temporary fu manchu because of the stupid gauze I have to have on my face.
At the end of the day, I'd rather be known for my knowledge and my compassion instead of how pretty I was. Also, if beauty wasn't at the eye of the beholder then we'd all think that the same person was beautiful. I get that a lot of people think the same person is attractive. For girls, it can be anywhere from George Clooney to Taylor Lautner to Justin Bieber to Channing Tatum. They're all different, yes? And I'd have to admit that I don't think two of those people are attractive, even though I know a lot of people think these people are attractive.
Also, as I'm still thinking, I've thought about the title of my blog. Pain is Beauty. I chose that because being beautiful can have it's hardships to it, and I mean all aspects of being beautiful. When people are beautiful, there's always something that comes with it, a burden. People always expect you to be beautiful. There's always a cost to any good thing. People's expectation always drown down people. At the end of the day, no matter what you have to work for, there's always going to be a struggle--pain. But the beautiful thing about that (hah!) is people feel so much better after all of that. The struggle is what makes things worth while.
Now for one of my ALL-TIME favorite quotes I've ever seen (and I've seen a lot):
“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.”
Well, I'm Definitely Not A Vampire
Well, this morning, I definitely took two steps back after yesterday. I managed to fall asleep last night somewhere between 9-10PM after what seemed like a little longer than usual and then I woke up this morning at a little before 5:30AM. Needless to say, I was grumpy about it. I didn't know why I was awake and why I couldn't just fall back asleep.
― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
I went to go to the bathroom to see if that was why, and it wasn't. I then decided to just lay down in bed and close my eyes, because recently, that's been working, but I just couldn't. I tossed and turned for about an hour, trying to make sure I didn't smack myself in the face or else I'd cause more problems. I had to move my dog (who does a great job watching over me) over and over again because she loves to lay either next to me, squeezed tight next to my body, or she likes to lay in between my legs. For someone who couldn't sleep, that didn't help.
After a while, I just got up to go the bathroom again and I thought my stomach did NOT feel very good at all. I ignored it and hopped back into bed after finally getting stuff out of my stomach and then still couldn't sleep. I sat up in bed.
I don't know about any of you, but whenever I'm about to throw-up, my saliva starts to taste absolutely horrid and my stomach just starts to gurgle. Then, I managed to grab my little bowl that my mom took home from the hospital because I just started coughing, knowing this wasn't going to end well. Without going into detail, I threw up a good amount of stomach acid, juice, medicine from last night (the stuff that I loathe with all my heart), and a good amount of blood.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm no vampire, although, there were times when I thought I was (not literally) because of how much I loved sitting at night, not doing anything and how much I hated being out in sunlight. Obviously, after, my 4th time (I think) throwing up blood, I've decided I'm no vampire.
Anyway, after a while, I felt pretty okay. My stomach feels better now, as it is 8AM now, my time. I'm not happy with the amount of mucus that's built up in the back of my throat, as I can't get to it due to this STUPID splint in my mouth, and I'm not happy about having the gauze over my nose either, because there's still a good amount of drainage but I guess that's okay. There's not a lot, and it's definitely getting better.
Hope everyone is enjoying this blog and have a great day/week! (:
Now for a quote:
“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Things Are Looking Up
It was a really nice feeling to wake up this morning with my head feeling cleared, my stomach feeling a little more at normal, and my face not being so swollen. And to add to that, because they did my bone graft from my nose, my nose isn't bleeding so much! (: WOO! HUZZAH!!
It's a great feeling to know that I'm here, still alive, and still fighting. It was even better to know that I'm getting to the point where I can take a shower ON MY OWN and feed MYSELF. Things are beginning to feel like normal again. When I can do things the way I want to do and depend on myself, I'm happiest and I think that's all that matters.
The pain is still there, but it's definitely lowered, surprisingly. I'm now at a 4/10 but it still annoys me when I have to sneeze with a yucky amount of blood/gauze/drainage coming out of my nose and the pain gets worse, but shockingly, it goes down. I'm pretty happy today. It's really great, actually.
My dizziness is still there, but I'm able to get around on my own. There are moments when I can feel myself kind of dazing off and getting dizzy, but then I'm okay again. And there are moments when I'm exhausted, but I've just learned that I have to deal with things.
Finally, I've become daunted by the idea of returning to school in my condition. I'm hoping with all my heart that I'm going to be better than I am now. I'm so afraid that people are going to laugh at me with my drooling and the way that I look now. I'm swollen and I look like I just don't care about how I look and obviously, that isn't true. I want people to be supportive but after my friend moved away, I've been so nervous about making new friends in the first place. I'm hoping that I'll come back confident in myself and more so, just optimistic.
I'm a true believer that God will only put us through things that He believes we can get through. I just have to stay optimistic and believe that things are going to go DOWN hill for now on.
Now for a quote:
"Someday everything in your life will make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason."
It's a great feeling to know that I'm here, still alive, and still fighting. It was even better to know that I'm getting to the point where I can take a shower ON MY OWN and feed MYSELF. Things are beginning to feel like normal again. When I can do things the way I want to do and depend on myself, I'm happiest and I think that's all that matters.
The pain is still there, but it's definitely lowered, surprisingly. I'm now at a 4/10 but it still annoys me when I have to sneeze with a yucky amount of blood/gauze/drainage coming out of my nose and the pain gets worse, but shockingly, it goes down. I'm pretty happy today. It's really great, actually.
My dizziness is still there, but I'm able to get around on my own. There are moments when I can feel myself kind of dazing off and getting dizzy, but then I'm okay again. And there are moments when I'm exhausted, but I've just learned that I have to deal with things.
Finally, I've become daunted by the idea of returning to school in my condition. I'm hoping with all my heart that I'm going to be better than I am now. I'm so afraid that people are going to laugh at me with my drooling and the way that I look now. I'm swollen and I look like I just don't care about how I look and obviously, that isn't true. I want people to be supportive but after my friend moved away, I've been so nervous about making new friends in the first place. I'm hoping that I'll come back confident in myself and more so, just optimistic.
I'm a true believer that God will only put us through things that He believes we can get through. I just have to stay optimistic and believe that things are going to go DOWN hill for now on.
Now for a quote:
"Someday everything in your life will make perfect sense. So for now laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and remind yourself that everything happens for a reason."
Jaw Surgery and the Costs
It's amazing how one experience can change your life, isn't it?
That's a good way to start out a blog, I think . . . ha.
Anyway, I wanted to start this blog because it'd be a great way to vent and a great way to be able to talk to others who may be going through the same experience I am. So . . . high-ho let's go!
I'm not necessarily comfortable with giving my age, but I am definitely younger than most. But let's give you some background info, yeah?
I'm from Colorado, but I was adopted from South Korea when I was only a little baby. Actually, come to think of it, the reason why I had this surgery was why I was adopted. I was born with a little thing called Cleft Lip & Palate, which is a birth defect when your mouth isn't exactly fully developed when you're born. I was adopted because my birth parents couldn't afford any of the surgery that are necessary for me to be able to live the life I do.
Anyway, I'm here to talk about the surgery and stuff, not exactly me so here we go. I got my upper jaw moved about 2-3mm, I'm not exactly sure how much. On top of that, I got a bone graft and I also got a fistula closed from my cleft lip & palate. Needless to say, it was a long surgery. It was probably about 5-6 hours. Woo . . .
So leading up to the surgery, I was definitely nervous. Going through this may seem like you're alone and you're not exactly getting all the support that you want/need. Trying to keep my head tall was hard because although I've gone through some bigger surgeries, it's still not easy. However, I think being able to talk about it with a close friend of mine and previous friends had helped me overcome it the way that I have. Talking about it is always helpful. I was so nervous about the pain and shockingly, the pain isn't what's making me nervous now.
Oh. And I'm glad I had a nice little meal the day before surgery. Olive Garden. Mmm. I had my favorite: pasta and I got to enjoy a nice steak since it's probably going to be my last for a while.
I had my surgery on March 28th. 2013 and it's been a long road since then in my head. I had gone into surgery thinking it was going to be about an hour and a half and I come out of it knowing I'm tired and dazed. I had gone into surgery at about 8AM and didn't get to see my parents until it was probably 2PM. And from what I can remember, I just remember being tired and numb and dizzy. Man, was I dizzy.
After that, I was put into a room and I stayed there until about 6, I think, the next day. I don't really remember what time. My family visited a lot and I was well taken care of, although, I have to admit, I was cranky at times and didn't want to talk to most people.
As for everything else in between, eating, pain, etc, I think pain is the lowest on the list right now. My parents keep asking me how my pain is, and quite frankly, I don't really care about the pain as much as I should. I've been numb for most of the days, except for yesterday and today, and even then, it's more of a throbbing pain, nothing I can't handle. The splint on the roof of my mouth is a pain, but again, nothing I can't handle.
I think the hardest part right now is the amount of drooling I'm doing, the amount of hunger I have, the drowsiness, and the self-confidence I have is decreasing. Not to sound too vulgar right now, but I've had a lot of drooling for the past few days, in addition to throwing up blood which is always painful when your mouth can only open about 1/4 of the way. Okay. Maybe 1/3. Anyway, I think the drooling and the hunger right now have an effect on everything else right now. I can't really eat much except for anything that's runny. The splint disables me from putting more food in my mouth than I want to and it makes eating not so fun. Actually, I have food stuck in my splint from the small amount of eating I have done. So far, I've eaten stuff like mashed potatoes, yogurt, and grits, but as far as everything else goes, I don't want to eat anything else because my stomach is so upset from the nasty liquid pain meds they've been shoving into my mouth through a syringe. Mmm. I can taste it right now. **vomit**
On top of that, the strong pain medicine, tastes absolutely gross and I want to throw up from the site of it. Bleh. Anyway, my stomach is not happy with me, but I'm trying to eat more and more. I just don't feel like I have the energy too, which leads to my drowsiness. The first few days, including today, all I've felt was tired. All of my energy that I spent up doing something caused me to end up being really tired.
Lastly, the self-confidence level will decrease when I look like a swollen chipmunk. It's definitely a pain and when eating makes me look like a two-month baby who likes playing with food, I feel incompetent and stupid. I'm normally a VERY independent person so when I have to rely on others to feed me, bathe me, and just nurse me back to normal health, I feel a little more than pathetic. Ha.
Overall though, I can't say if I'm too upset about everything. It's all about trying to rest up and look at the picture in the long run. (:
By the way, because I love quotes so much and they always inspire me to do what I can to make things right, I'll try to put a quote of the day or a quote of the week or something for every blog post I have.
"Every day you either see a scar or courage. Where you dwell will define your struggle." ~Dodinsky
That's a good way to start out a blog, I think . . . ha.
Anyway, I wanted to start this blog because it'd be a great way to vent and a great way to be able to talk to others who may be going through the same experience I am. So . . . high-ho let's go!
I'm not necessarily comfortable with giving my age, but I am definitely younger than most. But let's give you some background info, yeah?
I'm from Colorado, but I was adopted from South Korea when I was only a little baby. Actually, come to think of it, the reason why I had this surgery was why I was adopted. I was born with a little thing called Cleft Lip & Palate, which is a birth defect when your mouth isn't exactly fully developed when you're born. I was adopted because my birth parents couldn't afford any of the surgery that are necessary for me to be able to live the life I do.
Anyway, I'm here to talk about the surgery and stuff, not exactly me so here we go. I got my upper jaw moved about 2-3mm, I'm not exactly sure how much. On top of that, I got a bone graft and I also got a fistula closed from my cleft lip & palate. Needless to say, it was a long surgery. It was probably about 5-6 hours. Woo . . .
So leading up to the surgery, I was definitely nervous. Going through this may seem like you're alone and you're not exactly getting all the support that you want/need. Trying to keep my head tall was hard because although I've gone through some bigger surgeries, it's still not easy. However, I think being able to talk about it with a close friend of mine and previous friends had helped me overcome it the way that I have. Talking about it is always helpful. I was so nervous about the pain and shockingly, the pain isn't what's making me nervous now.
Oh. And I'm glad I had a nice little meal the day before surgery. Olive Garden. Mmm. I had my favorite: pasta and I got to enjoy a nice steak since it's probably going to be my last for a while.
I had my surgery on March 28th. 2013 and it's been a long road since then in my head. I had gone into surgery thinking it was going to be about an hour and a half and I come out of it knowing I'm tired and dazed. I had gone into surgery at about 8AM and didn't get to see my parents until it was probably 2PM. And from what I can remember, I just remember being tired and numb and dizzy. Man, was I dizzy.
After that, I was put into a room and I stayed there until about 6, I think, the next day. I don't really remember what time. My family visited a lot and I was well taken care of, although, I have to admit, I was cranky at times and didn't want to talk to most people.
As for everything else in between, eating, pain, etc, I think pain is the lowest on the list right now. My parents keep asking me how my pain is, and quite frankly, I don't really care about the pain as much as I should. I've been numb for most of the days, except for yesterday and today, and even then, it's more of a throbbing pain, nothing I can't handle. The splint on the roof of my mouth is a pain, but again, nothing I can't handle.
I think the hardest part right now is the amount of drooling I'm doing, the amount of hunger I have, the drowsiness, and the self-confidence I have is decreasing. Not to sound too vulgar right now, but I've had a lot of drooling for the past few days, in addition to throwing up blood which is always painful when your mouth can only open about 1/4 of the way. Okay. Maybe 1/3. Anyway, I think the drooling and the hunger right now have an effect on everything else right now. I can't really eat much except for anything that's runny. The splint disables me from putting more food in my mouth than I want to and it makes eating not so fun. Actually, I have food stuck in my splint from the small amount of eating I have done. So far, I've eaten stuff like mashed potatoes, yogurt, and grits, but as far as everything else goes, I don't want to eat anything else because my stomach is so upset from the nasty liquid pain meds they've been shoving into my mouth through a syringe. Mmm. I can taste it right now. **vomit**
On top of that, the strong pain medicine, tastes absolutely gross and I want to throw up from the site of it. Bleh. Anyway, my stomach is not happy with me, but I'm trying to eat more and more. I just don't feel like I have the energy too, which leads to my drowsiness. The first few days, including today, all I've felt was tired. All of my energy that I spent up doing something caused me to end up being really tired.
Lastly, the self-confidence level will decrease when I look like a swollen chipmunk. It's definitely a pain and when eating makes me look like a two-month baby who likes playing with food, I feel incompetent and stupid. I'm normally a VERY independent person so when I have to rely on others to feed me, bathe me, and just nurse me back to normal health, I feel a little more than pathetic. Ha.
Overall though, I can't say if I'm too upset about everything. It's all about trying to rest up and look at the picture in the long run. (:
By the way, because I love quotes so much and they always inspire me to do what I can to make things right, I'll try to put a quote of the day or a quote of the week or something for every blog post I have.
"Every day you either see a scar or courage. Where you dwell will define your struggle." ~Dodinsky
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